Mirrors
by flutterfield
Summary: Written in Blaine's point of view, it starts with Never Been Kissed. Blaine has been in Dalton for a year, living but not quite moving forward. Things start to change when he meets Kurt.
1. The Spy

I wake up, sunlight coming through my bedroom window. I make a deal with myself, five more minutes. I jump out of bed to the sound of Wes' incessant knocking.

"You had better be awake Blaine, if I don't see you in the senior commons in fifteen minutes, I'll make sure you won't be considered for a solo for the whole semester." I clear my throat and try my best not to sound like I had just woken up.

"On my way, just adjusting my tie." I imagine him walking away muttering yeah right. I've been here a year but it still haunts me; the yelling in the hallways, the hot, stinging pain that his knuckles left on my face, then darkness. I slept early last night, but that only meant the terrors came early as well. How long have I been sitting on the floor? Five minutes..Great..Ten minutes left…I struggle to shower as fast as I can, just enough to get the smell of the bed off my skin. I half button down my shirt, get my tie right in one swoop, put my shoes on, take the much needed time to tame my curls, check if I look decent, grab my bag and burst out of my dorm room into the small crowd of students on their way to where I should have been, five minutes ago. I tear through the crowd reciting a daily reminder in my head: you're here, far away, safe…smile, no one's going to kill you.

I reach the spiral staircase with as much positivity as I can, then I start thinking about how much Wes is going to hate me for not warming up properly for today's performance, I did run some vocal exercises while dressing. I hurry, the people are starting to fill in when I hear it, a light, high-pitched voice, "Excuse me, can I ask you a question? I'm new here." Instantly I am looking straight into this person's beautiful blue eyes. I take in his whole face and I realize this is no stranger, I know him. "My name is Blaine." I say, enthusiastic about this encounter. "Kurt" he says. Ah so that's my alibi's name.

"So what exactly is going on?" Kurt asks.

"The Warblers," I say, half smiling, Wes won't be too mad at me now. I explain to him we give impromptu performances in the senior commons, without mentioning I am one of them. "Tends to shut the school down," I add.

"So the glee club here is kind of cool?" he asks. Kind of?

"The Warblers are like rock stars." I've always wanted to say that. His reaction to my words is curious to see, he seems shocked. I grab his hand, offer him a shortcut, I feel suave taking him through the empty corridors like this; I've never done it before. We enter the common room, I spot Wes right away, and he's talking to Jackson. I decide right then to leave Kurt in the middle of the main entrance where we'll be facing in a few minutes.

"Ooh…I stick out like a sore thumb." Kurt realizes. I fix his collar, making sure all the Warblers see.

"Well next time don't forget your jacket new kid. You'll fit right in" I give my bag to one of our freshman members as the boys start our intro and I say in my attempt at a suave voice, "Now if you'll excuse me…"

I make Kurt the center of my performance, smiling at him, Wes notices, we exchange glances for a second and I know he sees Kurt too, they all do. I try my best at looking sly, I sing this song to him, be very playful about it 'cause he had no idea. He's smiling, laughing. I feel bad for a second, because we all know who Kurt is by face, we know he was sent here to spy on us, he's part of our competition.

It's over, the atmosphere is electric; high fives, fist bumps and bro hugs ensue. Wes pats me on the back, "You were almost late, where did you find him?" His voice is calm; the performance went smoothly, I'm not in trouble. "He's the reason I'm late, he was asking me for directions, we must be a threat that they feel the need to pay us a visit." I respond.

"It's not like we haven't watched their performances on Youtube to find out what they're made of, though spying seems extreme, ask him out for coffee." Wes adds and I face Kurt to see him blushing, a big smile on his face. He loved our little show; he looks like a child clapping with excitement. Surely he knows we're rivals, why does he seem legitimately happy for us? I expected him to be gone by now, off to his friends to report what he witnessed, but there he stands. Why?

I walk towards him, still where I left him and ask, "How did we do? Would you like to get some coffee?" I am taken aback by his response, he half shouts, "Amazing! Sure!" I laugh a little. The other Warblers are filing out, Andrew jokingly says, "Say hi to Rachel Berry for me, I would love to take her out sometime!" And I see Kurt's face change in front of me, color drains from it, the smile gone. He realizes, all along I knew who he was.

"This way" I say as I lead him into one of the study halls. He's frightened, stiff, and I think he's sweating bullets. "Hey Kurt, don't worry, its okay." We sit and wait for Wes and David to bring over some lattes. He seems like he's calmed down, but only a little. I was going to open my mouth and say sorry when David walks toward us holding all four cups of coffee, Wes behind him with a tray of his favorite pastries. I help and offer one cup to Kurt, and introduce the two.

"It's very civilized of you to invite me over coffee before you beat me up for spying." Kurt says. That's the first thing he thought of? I might just have something in common with this person.

"We're not going to beat you up." Wes replies, very sternly.

"You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of, endearing." David adds. It's true, with the shades, the jacket and his over excitement over our performance, and the fact that new kids aren't allowed to not wear uniforms, they're the first things students acquire before they even get their dorm room key or know which classes they're in.

"Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came." I say. Kurt's eyes stay away from mine. Does he get beat up often? I wonder. His next question makes us laugh.

"Are you guys all gay?"

"No." I answer. "I mean, I AM, but these two have girlfriends." I smile, it's still a mix between liberating and forbidding when people ask if I am gay and I say YES.

"This is not a gay school. We just have a Zero Tolerance Harassment Policy." David says.

"Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple." Wes continues. I lock my eyes on Kurt, as their words make sense to him, his eyes shift from fear, to sadness, to longing. He was on the verge of tears so fast, speechless. Was this the way I looked when my mother brought me here to check the place out? I politely ask Wes and David to leave us and they oblige.

"I take it you're having trouble at school?" I ask. I can see Kurt fighting tears back as he explains his current situation. He's the only gay kid in school, the only one out and a burly guy is making his life hell. He's at the end of the whole being strong routine, he's had enough. I think of my own experience, the isolation, then a short moment of freedom, ending with disaster and my transfer to Dalton. I try my best at giving Kurt advice.

"I left, and came here. Simple as that."

_It wasn't._

" So, you have two options, I mean I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton is sort of steep, and I know that's not an option for everybody,"

_What am I saying?_

"Or you could refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance Kurt."

_Where is this coming from?_

"And you have a chance right now to teach him."

_He's taking in my words, making me worried, but I don't stop._

"How?" he asks.

"Confront him, call him out. I ran, Kurt, I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away. And it's something I really regret."

For the first time in a year, I say it out loud; to someone I don't even know. I feel like crashing into my bed. Kurt seems to look better, calmer and maybe even a little bit hopeful. Then he smiles. It's smaller than the one I saw earlier, but it's there. "I have to get to class now. Take care Kurt… and see you at Sectionals." We both stand up and he mouths his thanks. I clutch his left shoulder, "Hang in there." I watch him as he walks away.

The moment he's out of my sight, I plan on staying in my room for the rest of the day. Kurt is at the main atrium when I find myself imagining an article in the local paper about a young teenage boy, pale, brown hair, with blue eyes, beaten to death. I rush to get to where he's standing, almost shouting at him, everyone hears, "Give me your number!" I've made him blush again, "Sorry, just so, you know, here's mine, call me or text me if anything goes wrong." I hand him a torn piece of paper from my bag where I scribbled my number.

"Thanks Blaine, I will." As I watch Kurt leave, I feel the sudden urge to puke, or cry. Not here, I tell myself. I push people to get ahead. I dart up the staircase and into my dorm room and lock the door. Not only do I have to deal with MY FEARS. I find myself sitting on my dorm room floor terrified for another person, a stranger, our rival, Kurt.


	2. Courage

I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I fell asleep on the floor again. I don't want to get up. Where's my phone? It's probably just Wes or David checking up on me, or it might be…Kurt. I scramble to get up, my head is pounding. I empty my bag by dumping all of its contents, there it is, my phone. One unread message.

_Hi Blaine, It's Kurt, thanks again._

I have no idea what to say to him, I may just have placed him in more danger than before if he does what I say; I save his number. I check the time: 12:30, lunch. I could get to my other classes for the rest of the day, save my guidance counselor the time and effort to call my mother to inform her of my absences. I take a proper shower this time, eat some leftover pizza from my fridge and get to class.

I get through the day and its 4:30, which means only one thing: Warbler practice. I get to our choir room and Kurt's visit is still a hot topic. Not because he's a member of our competition but because Wes and David told everyone about our conversation and what they saw, another version of me. Boys can be such gossips. Wes calls the meeting to order; we're working on something for sectionals. Auditions for the solo are coming up and I was invited once more. I feel good about it: choir, singing, music, it's what keeps me going. It's something I am sure of and something I know I am good at.

The meeting is short so some of the guys decide to get some coffee at the Lima Bean. I feel tired and excuse myself from the group. Wes follows me to the corridor.

"How are you holding up? Must be difficult for you to see someone like Kurt."

"What do you mean by that?" I sounded so defensive, I didn't mean to.

"You're put together now, or at least you show it to everyone, but as your senior (advisor or mentor), and the one who's been right here with you since you got here, I know you're not really okay. Not yet. Today Kurt looked a little like how you were, minus the eye bags, bruises and stitches. I know you skipped class today because it came back to you when Kurt left." I take a few seconds to make myself sound less irritated. He just cares.

"It's weird to see it, in someone else's eyes." That's all I can think of to say.

"Maybe you need him, maybe you can get through it together, because he gets it; we don't. We're here for you man, but maybe your experiences can give you both the strength." Wes is looking straight into my eyes now.

"Maybe you're right, I'm sorry I'm still a mess." I say. He gives me a hug, pats my head, and makes a mess of my hair like older brothers do.

"You're very good at making everyone else believe you're whole, but David and I see through it."

I get to my room and before getting changed, I decide open my laptop to watch one of the New Directions' performances. Regionals: The Journey medley, and Kurt is second to turn when "Don't Stop Believing" starts. He is happy, smiling, dancing. They lost but created enough buzz for this year's season. I loosen my tie and grab my phone. I type and delete then retype and delete words:

_Hi!_

Delete

_Hello!_

Delete

_How are you?_

Delete

_Mind if I use you to get over my anxieties that have been plaguing my life the past year?_

Delete

I walk around my room thinking of what to say. What do I say to help him? How can I feel better about what I did to him today? How can I help us? It hits me, I type it out, send it. God knows I've been trying hard to move on, but Wes is right. I could use someone who knows. We could get through things together. What Kurt needs to confront his attackers, what I must have to get over my scars, is now up on my phone screen and the first message I send Kurt: _**COURAGE**_.


	3. The Pastry Fiend

Kurt does not reply. It makes sense; I wouldn't know what to reply to that message either. So I decide to make better use of time and do my homework. I realize I have so much to do, not only do I have papers due this week, but I have to submit a few added coursework for my absences. I finish half of what I need to and slump onto my mattress, holding my phone; still no reply. I head to my bathroom, open one of the orange bottles behind my mirror, then walk back to bed and feel the pills take over my consciousness.

_Come back here Anderson! What you're scared? Are you afraid of me? You're gonna run home to mommy?_

_He grabs my neck…Let go, please let me go._

_BAM!_

It always ends with my head hitting the lockers; that one anyway. I sit up on my bed; feel this painful throb at the back of my head. It's not real. It's 3 am, and I know I will not be able to sleep the rest of the night. I take a shower and check my phone as I dry my hair. A missed call from my mother, a text from Wes asking how I am, and one from Kurt. At the sight of his name, I feel excited, then worried. What if this message was him asking for help and I was too dozed off to read it? I open his message.

_Thanks! Hope you had a good day despite my intrusion. Sorry for spying. :)_

I feel relieved. I type my reply down and plan to send it at a more sensible hour.

_Your intrusion is still abuzz with the boys; been awhile since we were spied on. Hope you're ready for Sectionals. As you witnessed…We sure are. :)_

Smug. But I hope he finds it funny.

I decide to take out my Chemistry book and study. The last thing I want to do is fail my subjects and get kicked out. I have to stop skipping classes; there's only so much patience and extra coursework my professors could give before the other students think I get special treatment, or they already do, but let it slip.

I hear nothing from Kurt over the next few days. He's okay, I say to myself.

"No Mom, you don't need to come all the way here to visit. I'm fine, I promise. Yes, I'm eating right, yes I sleep well and I told you I really did not mean to miss my classes, I got caught up rehearsing in my room and did not notice the time. Yes, I'll get you tickets for sectionals. Okay, Love you too, Bye."

"All right, which one of you did it?" Wes takes a full bite of a cinnamon roll and looks away. David pretends to be busy reading a magazine. Andrew speaks first.

"Wasn't me man, you know your mom scares me sometimes."

"All moms scare you Andrew." I say. The other two are snickering. I take Wes' pastry stash. He's serious and seems stern all the time but I know Wes is at his most vulnerable when he's eating his favorite baked goodies. "I plan on eating them all if you don't come clean." I threaten him with a huge grin on my face, he knows I'm capable of doing it. "The patisserie is closed for the day, you won't be able to eat one 'til after lunch tomorrow, no midnight cheesecake for you Wes."

"Aright aright..nit wa me, gib em bak." He answers, mouth still full.

"She worries too much, you know that. She hates that I'm far away, any news that things are not going smoothly for me here, she's ready to leave home, get on a plane. I admit I was affected by Kurt showing up but it's not what you guys think." The guys fall silent for a while.

"Kurt seems cute; you haven't been out much. Have you seen that Jedadiah dude again?" Andrew asks.

"It's Jeremiah, and no I haven't seen him. He doesn't even know who I am." I respond. "Then let yourself be known, and didn't you hear me, I said Kurt's cute."

"He's also our competition." I retort.

"Never stopped anyone before." David joins in.

"He's going through so much right now. You saw it." I say.

"Exactly why he's perfect for you." Wes carefully adds, clutching his pastries. I fall silent.

"Oh ho ho..he's thinking about it." Andrew teases. The two join in. "Blaine and Kuuuurt..Blaine likes Kurt..Blaine likes Kuuurt.." They're getting too loud, poking me, making me laugh. It's fun, they're always like this when we hangout, the mood is always light.

"Alright, alright, we should stop now before everybody hears." I say. David and Andrew continue to debate on something. Wes starts placing a cupcake, some more cinnamon rolls and some cheesecake into plastic containers and hides them in his bag. I take out my phone and type: COURAGE, and hope Kurt is not having a rough day.

On our way back to our respective dorm rooms, my phone rings.

_You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream._

"Jeez man, change your tone, bad enough we had to rehearse that for weeks. Katy Perry is just not for me." Andrew complains. I hear Wes saying something about the council votes chose that song and something about it was a hit performance. I don't stay to watch them bicker; I run to my room and answer Kurt's call.


	4. Bad Idea

"Hello."  
>"Um Blaine. Hi. Um.."<br>"Kurt? Meet me at the Lima Bean, okay..Can you do that?"  
>"Uh...just..let me tell my dad."<br>"See you in a bit."  
>"Okay" <p>

I don't even try to get out of my uniform, I race out of my room, down the atrium and out of our building. I'm halfway through the campus lawn when I realize it would probably take Kurt some time to get there. Best not to arrive all sweaty. And why am I so worried? He called, he's okay, but his voice was shaky. I realize that I have to look strong, we can't both be vulnerable. Besides, I don't want to freak him out.

I get there, order my usual and wait. The coffee does nothing for my nerves. I feel settled only when I see Kurt walk in and order his coffee. He walks over. His eyes look puffy, he cried. But I don't see cuts, or bruises, or blood. He sits down.

"Hey."

"Hey." I say awkwardly. I want to ask questions,how do I?

"Sorry." he starts. "I had no one else to call. No one else who knew."

"Don't say that, I gave you my number. I would've gone to McKinley if you said you couldn't drive all the way here. Are you alright? What happened?"

"He..well..." he takes sip of his drink.

"It's alright. Hey what are you guys planning for sectionals? I think it's fair we at least get some scoop, you had a live preview, We've only watched videos." I try to change the subject. It's never easy to talk about._ In fact. It still isn't._

"Then I would like to invite you to watch us sing, just don't wear you uniform. Let's see if Rachel blows your mind." he responds. "Who's Rachel?" I ask. I have to keep the ball rolling, "Really? This isn't a trap is it? Will I make it out alive?" He smirks, "Rachel is our star, the brunette who can belt on the fly, knows what she's capable of and sort of shoves it in your face. She's sweet sometimes but it's sort of hard to really like that personality." "So, she's your friend but you hate her at the same time?" I ask, he seems to have really strong opinions about their female lead. "Yeah, well." He takes another sip. I rip a piece out of my blueberry muffin and look around the shop.

"I... I did what you said." He said. _Here it comes._

"He pushed me into the lockers again, right when I got your text." _I should not have sent it. Look at him now, he looks so sad._

"So I followed him, started screaming things I cannot remember, then he..." _He did what? Put a knife on your throat? Strangled you til you couldn't scream? Please God no._

"He uhm..kissed me. Karofsky kissed me. Even tried to do it the second time, but I pushed him."_Oh...huh._

"Forgive me Kurt, I'm looking for the right things to say here...He's gay? That's ironic right there."

"I had no idea. I mean he's huge, like Bigfoot, talks like Bigfoot. He's on the football team." Kurt continues.

"He's confused, surrounded by guys he likes but can't do anything about it. He may also be a little bit frustrated and is taking it out on you. The only person who, if ever had feelings for a guy, wouldn't need to hide it...unless the guy was straight of course, then that's different."

His eyes dart to the side. "That's what I was thinking. It makes me feel sorry for him a little."

_He feels sorry for the guy? Really?_

"So, what do you plan to do about it? Out him?" I ask.

"Of course not, he needs help."

"Yes he does."

"Should I help him? I could help him,"Kurt suggests.

_Why are you so empathetic?_

"We could help him." I answer.

_What? Blaine what did you just say. Take it back. Take it back._

"You would do that?" Kurt asks, looking at me with those hopeful blue eyes.

"I..umm."

_._

"Sorry. That's my phone, Oh..it's Wes,excuse me for a moment." I stand, walk out of the Lima Bean and take the call outside.

"I have never been more thankful to get a call from you."

"Where are you man?"

"Lima Bean, talking to Kurt."

"Well you move fast."

"No no no, it's not that..he called, wanted to talk"

"Alright...need me to make sure you get in past curfew?"

"No thanks, I'll be back by then."

"Okay..see you later."

He's gone. I stand outside, breathing in. _What are you doing Blaine? What if he hits you so hard it does it this time? What if he kills you both? But Kurt wants to help him. You cannot let Kurt do this alone. You know how important it is to have someone fight your fights with you. This is not like the one you lost. He is not like the one you lost. It's new and different, the outcome will not be the same._ I wipe the tears off my cheek and head back inside.

Kurt looks a bit more positive. He's eating a mint chocolate cookie. "So, how do you propose we help Mr. Karofsky" I ask with a little enthusiasm. "Does Wes need you? Do you need to get home?" he asks. "He was just wondering where I ran off too..so Karofsky intervention..." I motion him to continue. "He needs to know it's okay, he's just confused, we all get confused at some point right?"_ Seems right. _"Where can we talk to him, more importantly, how?" Kurt pauses for a while. "The campus would be best, a lot of people, he wouldn't hurt anyone. It would be scary if it was just us, he could take us both without blinking." _Just how big is this guy? _"Alright," I answer. "So I go over to your school by lunch period and we try to talk to him and hope he gets the message instead of us receiving his right hook."

"Exactly." He smiles. Does he really think it will work? Is he not afraid anymore? This is a bad idea.


	5. The Attacker

"Are you sure about this? I mean, we encouraged you to be friends with Kurt. But confronting this guy was not part of the plan. You don't need to do this." David says, keeping his hands on the wheel. " I told you, I'd rather be there, Kurt thinks it's the right thing to do, he doesn't have to do it alone." I respond. "Just text us the moment something bad happens, nobody knows we left." Wes adds. "I will." I promise.

We get to the parking lot at McKinley High,I text Kurt to say where I am and a few minutes later he walks over to us. "Hey..hi Wes, David, nice to see both of you again." His eyes are still a bit puffy, he seems tired and weak. "Lead the way." I say, patting Wes goodbye, they look worried, I feel nauseous. "They drove you here." Kurt speaks. " Yeah I don't have a car." _It was taken until they're sure I don't drive it through a wall. _"Thanks for doing this, Blaine." Kurt says.  
>He pushes me behind a tree. "There he is." Kurt points out a burly guy, brown hair, jock jacket, backpack. Kurt was right, this guy's gigantic. I lean on the tree for support.<p>

_"No, Seth let's just leave." I plead. " Blaine, you have to fight back, we will fight back."_

I take a deep breath. Place my free hand onto my eyes. "Blaine?" Kurt asks.

...

_BAM! "Let him go you asshole!" Seth screams. I drop to the floor clutching for air, people will notice a small dent in the lockers tomorrow. But they never do anything about it.."What are you gonna do about it Fletcher?" my attacker screams into Seth's face. "Make sure you won't be able to wake up the next day if you lay your hands on him again." "You got some nerve threatening me. I could take you both down with one swipe." "You don't scare me."_

_"Don't be afraid. I'll be right here. Have fun tonight." Seth whispers._  
><em>"Thanks. I will." He walks into the gymnasium with Tricia. And Justin takes my hand, we walk under the cheesy banner. It reads The Sadie Hawkins Dance.<em>

_..._

"I'm..I'm..fine. It's probably the blazer, or my necktie's a bit tight. Never you mind. So shall we?." I say. "Okay", Kurt replies. I sense some fear there. Of course he's terrified, I'm terrified and I don't even know the guy. "Don't be afraid. I'll be right here." And I start walking toward the direction of Kurt's tormentor.

Kurt follows behind me as Karofsky walks down the stairs: "I got your back." I say as I take a deep breath knowing this will not end well.

"Excuse me,"

"Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?"

"Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something."

"I gotta go to class." He shoves Kurt to get past us.

"Kurt told me what you did." This is gonna piss him off for sure.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" He snarls.

"You kissed me" Kurt speaks, He looks so vulnerable.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Karofsky makes sure no one hears.

I start to get to the point, what we came here to do. He starts to walk away. "It seems you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone." He snaps.

"Do not mess with me!" The next thing I feel is a boulder crashing through me, the wire fence ringing in my ear. He's could knock me out right here. I'm ready for it.

But it does not happen. " You have to stop this!" Kurt screams. He pushes Karofsky off me and I gasp for air. Kurt just did that. Vulnerable, compassionate Kurt had the strength to push this giant away..

" Well, he's not coming out anytime soon." I manage to say, Swiping the creases off my blazer and breathing in and out. We're okay. Karosfky now out of sight.

Kurt sits on the stair tread, we did not succeed. He has his head down when I ask: "What's going on? Why are you so upset." "Because until yesterday I had never been kissed...or at least, one that counted." I fall silent. Poor Kurt , his first kiss, stolen like that. I have nothing. No words I know can comfort him. "Come on," I say. "I'll buy you lunch." Yes, I can offer a distraction, maybe we can talk about sectionals again over some food. I take out my phone, send a quick message to Wes saying that everything's fine.

Kurt drives us to a local restaurant, Breadstix. He manages to smile when I open the door and let him in first.


	6. Breadstix

We are led into a booth and I excuse myself just to get a grip on things. I pat my face dry, the cold water on my skin is calming. _That was close. Breathe Blaine, you're okay, Kurt is okay._

On my way out, I see Kurt, fiddling with his jacket, making sure it's buttoned correctly, has no creases on it. 

"You really like that jacket? The color's nice." I say, sitting across the table. A lady takes our order gives us a meaningful look and leaves. "It's one of my many favorites." Kurt responds.

"You love clothes don't you?" I state the obvious. That triggers it, Kurt talks non stop about fashion, Alexander McQueen, New York. Big Dreams. _I used to have big dreams too._  
>"I've talked too much haven't I?" he says. <p>

"No you haven't, I can see your passionate about clothes, do you design stuff? Like draw stuff?" I ask. Kurt automatically reaches for his bag but stops. "Oh you brought them? May I see?" He shyly hands me a sketchbook, full of his ideas, mixes and match of different pieces carefully drawn in ink, pencil or watercolor. It's beautiful. "They're just sketches, none of them are that great." he adds. "Are you kidding me? I can't draw to save my life. These are amazing Kurt!" He blushes at my compliments, surely he knows how great he is at this.

"Is Dalton a good place? I mean...you love it there?" Kurt asks.

"It's okay, I mean the schoolwork is a bit heavy, but the people I hang with are really great, you know, the guys from the Warblers. It's not a perfect place Kurt."

"What do you mean? Compared to McKinley?" His eyes looked disappointed.

"Well the policy makes sure no one gets beat up, no one is verbally abused. But there are many ways to be unkind."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I hand him his sketchbook back. He must be really thinking hard about Dalton, I must have ruined it for him. Our server brings our food, it's quite good. "This place is really nice. How à propos that the bread sticks are really delicious for a place named Breadstix."

"Could you imagine if it wasn't though? This place would probably be called, _Spaghetti with Gigantic Meatballs? But is it really meat?_'cause it's the second best thing at this place." We laugh.

"What's your family like?" I ask.

"Well, it's just me and my dad. He's dating this wonderful woman, who is also the mom of one of the guys from glee...you've probably seen him in videos, he's the male lead, on- and-off quarterback and the tallest of all of us."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Oh I set them up! Carole is amazing. My dad is happier. It took some time for Finn to get used to it though."

"Wait, Finn is in the football team, why doesn't he tell Karofsky to step off?"

"Well, being in glee also means he's a target. We get enough crap individually, he probably just wants to spare himself. I understand him though, he should not be responsible for me."

"You're too kind, you know." I make him smile.

"How about you? How's your family?" he asks.

"Well, uhm..my family is actually in New York. I sort of grew up there. I have a little sister, Eva, she's 6 and is convinced I'm in Hogwarts." I reply.

"That's adorable."

"Yeah, she's the best. Here's a photo." I take my phone out and show Kurt a photo of me and Eva, our last Halloween together before my transfer. "She wanted to be Jasmine so bad, what choice did I have?"

"Well, you make an adorable Rajah." Kurt says.

"I had to carry her the whole night. I miss her the most." _Why is it so easy? The only thing Wes knows about Eva is that she's my sister. I've never shown anyone this photo, until now._

We take the drive back to McKinley, lunch is over, we say our goodbyes and I start to walk away when Kurt steps in front of me, he ran all the way back, looks at me like he's about to cry and says: "Thank you. For this, for..for.."

Before I could even think of the repercussions of what I did next, it had been too late. I was hugging him, holding his neck to my shoulders as he cried.

"It's gonna be okay Kurt. You're very strong and you can get through this okay?" I let him go. He wipes his eyes and walks toward their school building.

"Everything okay?" David asks as he starts his car. " Yeah, we better get back." I say as I take out my phone and dial home. "Hey! How's my baby girl doing?" Eva's voice lights up at the sound of mine, it's the first time I've called in months.


	7. Mirrors

"_You don't hate me?" I ask, tears rolling down my face. "Why would I hate you Blaine?"Seth responds. "If this is who you are, then it is, I'm not judging you for it. We've been friends since before we could talk. Come here." He gives me a hug and tells me everything is going to be fine. "I wish you told me though, before today." I apologize, until today I never thought I would want to let anyone know. But I also did not expect Justin to kiss me in front of our friends, a few days shy of our first year of high school._

"_You told your parents?" Seth asks, he knew I wanted to let Mom know before word got out. "Yeah, last night. She seemed disappointed but handled it better than I expected. She told dad, I heard them yelling at each other 'til I fell asleep. I could just see at breakfast, he's changed, the way he looks at me, it's different." I say. "Well, at least they heard it from you. Don't sweat it. C'mon homeroom starts in 5 minutes." As we walk to class I see Justin at the other end of the hallway running towards us, we haven't spoken since the kiss last weekend. "Hello there." His green eyes are so captivating. I can feel my heart race as he smiles and places his hand on my shoulder and says: "Please tell me I still get to eat at our lunch table today." "Why wouldn't you man? Nothing's changed." Seth answers. "Yeah..I..I." I try to think of something coherent to say but I just stand there. "Thanks Seth. Hey you..I'm sorry, couldn't help myself. See you at lunch." Justin kisses my forehead and walks away. Seth laughs and we walk into class, I take a second to look around and everyone is staring. But I don't mind, I feel like melting into my seat, so this is what it feels like._

I snap awake and walk over to my desk, it's full of books, papers and a few empty cans of soda. I open the right-hand drawer to take out a book. It's brown leather cover has a few dents on it. It still looks the same since he gave it to me, the smell of photopaper,and his favorite body spray fills the air. The cover page reads _"Mirrors: The Reflections of the Young Life of Justin Mason"_. His handwriting is very beautiful, neat and intricate. I can imagine him carefully writing these words, like the loops and ends of each letter and word already mean so much. I shut Justin's journal close and throw it back into my desk drawer. I cannot. I will not. I am terrified to look into what he wrote in the thing.

I walk around my room, I realize how much of a mess it is. It's Saturday so most of the students are either on their way home or sleeping the day away. I pick up my clothes from the floor and throw them into my laundry bin. I begin to shove all of the empty cans, wrappers and papers into a garbage bag when Wes knocks and for the first time I let him into my room. "You're cleaning?" he asks. "Yeah, My room's been a mess since the start of term." "Well, It's a good thing you never let us in here, I would've given you a hard time about it. You're supposed to segregate those, paper and plastics!" Wes manages to help me and scold me at the same time.

After we get all the trash out, change my sheets, arrange my clothes, desk and books, we both sit on the floor, ice cold bottles of water in our hands.  
>I've known Wes from day one. I visited the academy, he was the only student who was available to show me around, it was right in the middle of the school year. He was very gracious and refined, enthusiastic and very positive about everything. He told me that if I decided to transfer, he'd make sure I'll be okay, and that I've gained a friend. I transferred but did not want to befriend anybody. I didn't talk to anyone in my year but Wes was always there. It didn't take long for him to drop the offer for me to join the Warblers. It was an ordinary weekend and I was walking around the campus gardens when he joined me, we had a lively discussion about Rent and The Phantom of the Opera, the next day I auditioned.<p>

"Thanks, Wes." I say. "It's nothing, just promise me you'll keep this room tidy. You're actually very lucky you don't have a roommate. It's easier to maintain." he answers. We just sit there and Wes finally asks what he's been dying to ask since he knocked this morning: "So you want to talk about the fact that you actually tried to help Kurt with that bully and called your family, all in one day? Kind of a big deal"

"I'm pretty surprised you didn't ask while we were organizing my books." I answer. " I don't know, it's like I've been stuck all year, and he just walks in and I see myself in him, but not completely. There are sides to him that I wish I had. I can see that he's stronger than I was, that he cares too much, and that he needs someone to help him. I'm not the right person to help him, but there's no one else is there? I think he wants to come here if he could. That wouldn't help him right? It definitely did not help me."

"Don't say that. Since you transferred I've seen you glue yourself together bit by bit. Your grades are fine, you're a member of the schools' top club, and you might even be our competition soloist this year. You've grown Blaine, you're not stuck. You reached out to your family too. They always call to ask about you, y'know." Wes always does this when we talk. He likes making people feel uplifted, it works for a while.

"But I'm not completely okay, you said that yourself." I sigh.

"From what I know about what you went through, I think you're on the right track. I thought Kurt would trigger something in you and all your progress would go down the drain. Obviously I was wrong. He seems to be good for you like Andrew and David said." Wes stands up and I follow, he has to leave to meet with Tara, his girlfriend. I wear my Dalton hoodie, sweatpants and get into my shoes. I stretch a bit outside and run around the campus just to clear my head.

I walk back to my room and take a bottle of water from the fridge, take off my hoodie and wipe some of the sweat from my face. My heart starts pounding faster when I reach for my phone to find a message from Kurt.

_Hi! Hope you're not busy today. Can we talk?_

I reply without hesitation. I offer to meet him at The Lima Bean, but he declines. He says his father and Carole are getting married tomorrow and he needs to make sure everything is ready, so we talk on the phone while he's making sure everyone's seating assignment is perfect.

"Can you believe how hard it was to actually select a flower arrangement?" he starts.

"I could only imagine, but I bet you chose something brilliant." I reply, Kurt's voice seems genuinely happy.

"Of course I did. This is the first wedding I've ever planned, it has to be magical."

"I have no doubts it will be. So, everything's fine?" I ask. I take a seat on my bed, hoping he says everything is alright.

"Well, sort off...Karofsky was expelled yesterday."  
>"Wow! That's great Kurt. I mean, that means you're safe. How did that happen?"<p>

"He made the wrong move, my father was at McKinley when he thew me a threatening glance. Next thing I knew we were in our Principal's office and he was expelled. I feel better. Like I can breathe easy. He... He... He said he was going to kill me if anyone knew. I didn't tell you because every time I tried to send you a message about it and how terrified I was, I kept thinking how easily he could do it."

I stay quiet for a few seconds and sigh, "I'm glad the right actions against him were made. But when someone threatens your life Kurt, you have to tell somebody, like an adult. I know it seems like I'm lecturing you, but what if something happened, what if he tried something and nobody knew."

"I know, you're right. I also thought that maybe you were getting tired of me whining and running to you for help." Kurt says.  
>"Is that why I haven't heard from you in weeks?"<br>"Yes, I didn't want to be a bother to you."  
>"Don't think that way, I gave you my number right? You're not whining and help is what I'm here for."<br>"Thank you. I have to go and drive to the chapel, we're singing tomorrow and dancing is involved, I don't want Finn to squish a flower girl. I really just wanted to thank you and share the news."  
>"I hope you have a great time tomorrow and you can give my best wishes to Mr. Hummel and Carole."<br>"I will, Bye Blaine and thanks."

Kurt will be alright, for the rest of his high school life, he will be fine. I feel intensely happy for him. He won. I find myself drawn to my desk, I sit there with my hands on my face. One hand stretches out to the right hand drawer I slammed shut this morning. I take it out and open Justin's journal for the first time.


	8. Pavarotti

I've been staring at a photo in my hand. Three boys posing next to a red Vespa, the tallest of the three stands center. He has short platinum blonde hair, freckles that frame his captivating bright green eyes, and a closed side smile that brings out the deep dimple on his right cheek. His face had come into shape that year; jawline is prominent and covered with stubble, any trace of boyhood gone. He's holding a rider's helmet on one hand while his left arm rests on my shoulder. Seth stands on his right, wearing riding goggles, patches of his unruly brown hair stick out of the helmet that rests on his head; he's holding a snow cone, his mouth wide open. He too had grown taller that year, but he looked lanky and needed to bulk up. Justin got the Vespa for his birthday; we were riding around town taking photos. I remember that summer to be the best we've had. It was also the last. I return the photo, carefully sliding its corners back into the small paper frame.

The first few pages of Justin's journal were filled with sketches of his family's house: their front door which he loved because of the bright red finish, his space themed-room which he outgrew and wanted to paint so badly, His backyard which he shared with his mother. He once told me the story of when he was a child, his mother would let him help plant different flowers there, and that was what they loved doing together.

A few pages more he begins to write. How his day went, what he thinks about his friends and how he wished he was not alone. Now and then a page with a photo attached comes up and I take my time to look at them closely. I felt like I was being introduced to him once more, like he is here and each page makes up for the short time we spent together. I never knew he had a golden retriever named Max, who died when he was 7. I never thought he took karate lessons as a kid but quit because he hated it so much, and his dad just forced him into it.

I was about to stop reading, thinking, he gave this because he wanted me to know these details about him, how he saw the world, I know enough. But six blank pages later I find myself unable to breathe as I look down on an inked sketch. The boy is sitting on a patch of grass, his hands on the ground, arms locked straight supporting his back and his feet are crossed, he looks distant. He seems small for his age and his hair is an unruly mop of curls. Beside him lies a guitar.

I move from my desk to the floor. I feel my legs tremble as I hold onto this book. I have the urge to throw it back and to continue reading at the same time. I find myself sitting on my bedroom floor in tears as I hear his voice in my head when I read his words:

_Sometimes I think I'm selfish. I pulled you into this. Were you so sure that you liked me? Are we crazy? Or is it because, like me, you've never felt anything this amazing. The intensity of your thoughts terrifies me. Are you worried? Do you want to end this? Should we end this? Can I tell you right now that I do not care what they think? That all that matters to me, the only one that I need is sitting there. The only person I need is you. _

I did not go any further into the book that weekend. I do not want to remember how important he was to me. I refuse to feel that way again. He's gone, and I'm terrified to read the rest of what we were.

I spent the entire Monday keeping myself busy. I rehearsed songs for my solo audition, walked to class, listened and took down notes. I did my best to hide from Wes or David. The slightest shift in the way I talk and they would know something was up. After dinner I did my homework and took some of the pills my doctor gave me when I had trouble sleeping.

Tuesday morning I decide to do the same thing I did the day before. I stand in front of my mirror and do my tie. That right hand drawer is screaming my name.

"He's gone... Stop it. You can't go back there." I say to out loud.

I walk down the staircase headed for the breakfast lounge when I hear a familiar voice. "You have lounges here, not like cafeterias? As in better selections and possibly more edible food?"

Wes chuckles, "Yes, Kurt, The omelettes and chocolate chip pancakes, best ones I've ever tasted, you should try them sometime. That's about it I guess. Most of the students are on their way down to get a bite before the bell chimes. Here is you schedule and a map if you do get lost, the keys to your dorm room and on behalf of the welcoming committee, well, welcome to Dalton."

"Thanks Wes."

"Oh and I expect you to drop by Warblers rehearsal later. We're happy to have you on our team now. See you later, four thirty!"

I wait for Wes to walk away. What is Kurt doing here? I straighten my blazer and walk up to him slowly. "Not spying again are we?" "Oh! You scared me!" Kurt gasps. "Sorry, didn't mean to. How was the wedding?" I ask. "It was sweet and of course everything went well."

"C'mon let's get something to eat before class starts."

"Would you like a sandwich, my treat; it's a welcome to Dalton sandwich." I laugh a little. "Wow, will the Warblers get me a welcome present too? Like maybe a solo for the new kid" Kurt plays along. We take our breakfast by one of the outdoor fountains.

"Karofsky's expulsion was revoked." Kurt started as we took our seat on the fountain- side. "The board overruled our Principal's decision and he was meant to come back today, so my dad and Carole gave up their honeymoon for me."

"Oh...well, sorry to hear that. I bet your friends were shocked. And I can see you didn't really want to leave. But you really are safer here and you have us to spend the boring schooldays with" I reply.

"Yeah, well, the show must go on." He lets out a sigh. "So how do I get to my class, the Academics building looks like Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and I do not want to attract any attention by being late." He takes out his schedule.

"You have Mr. Simon, he's great, a really charming teacher, loves to tell jokes. Your classroom is next to mine, we can walk together." I offer. We go through his schedule, we have no classes together but I show him where his classrooms are through the map Wes gave him.

We finish breakfast and we walk to his classroom, I could see my Literature professor was starting his lecture so we agreed to meet at the fountains for lunch.

Mr. Cornell was making us watch a film adaptation of something but I couldn't concentrate._ Kurt's here. We're the same, driven out of our normal lives because of external forces. Does that mean that kids like us will never stand a chance? Are we doomed to run away? He must feel so alone right now; will he make new friends here? Would he want to make the effort to socialize? Or will he be like me? Why is he staying at the dorms? He could drive here. But that would seem tiring. Right. Is it really okay for him to join us, meaning actually competing against his friends?_

When the lunch bell chimes I race to the fountains to find out that Wes, David, Andrew and some of the other Warblers beat me to him. They were laughing and Kurt seemed at ease. I get a plate of pasta and some apple juice and sit next to David.

"Finally, you grace us with your presence good sir." David teases. "You have been missed. We are pleased to see you are taking in some sustenance."

"Why are we in the same Lit class again? Your British accent is horrible by the way, hey guys!" I greet everyone, Kurt waves.

"Might I ask sir, where have you been? I have searched for you for days." he continues, everyone is now half laughing and half waiting for my answer. Kurt looks confused and curious so, I play along.  
>"Sir David of Warbler, I'm afraid you have not been thorough. I've been in my quarters, carefully choosing a melody that will shame your audition. I will, how shall I say this, kick your arse."<p>

"Ah! We shall see, I am confident you shall be ashamed and I shall do the arse kicking."

"Forgive them Kurt; we are usually not this weird." Wes says.

"Oh it's very entertaining. Auditions?" Kurt asks.

"We'll discuss it later at Warbler rehearsal. I have to go and meet a professor about something. See you later Kurt"

Wes leaves, followed by everyone else. David and Andrew throw us meaningful glances as they walk away.

"How's your day been so far?" I ask Kurt.

"It's been alright, a guy high-fived me a on my way here. It was a bit unusual, but it seemed like he was having a good day and just wanted to pass it on." he says as he takes a last bite of his lunch. "How about you?" he asks.

"It's been a blur." _Did I just say that out loud?_

"Why?" asks Kurt.

"I um...nothing. So, Warblers rehearsal later. You excited?" I stutter a bit, trying to take back what I said.

"I'm going in there with some positive mojo. I think it would be..."

_...You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream..._

"Oh sorry about that." I ruffle around my bag trying to find my phone.  
>"It's me, Oh Rachel's calling." Kurt blushes as he takes the call. I smile as I take a sip of my apple juice. He talks on the phone for the rest of lunch period; I take out my iPod and go through some song selections on high volume so he doesn't feel the need to whisper. He taps me when he's done; we need to get back to class. This time our classes are on opposite sides of the building, so we part ways.<p>

Earlier in the afternoon, Wes handed the responsibility to seek out a warbler for Kurt to me. Mine was handed down to a first year at the start of the semester, as well as the others, so Kurt gets to take care of one fresh from the Dalton Aviary. I get there and one of the groundskeepers hands me a brand new cage, Wes informed I would visit. I take the little cage and look at another cage that is taller than I am and wider by about five students of my size. The groundskeeper notices my struggle and helps out: "You have to let one come to you."  
>"Excuse me?" I say.<br>"The feeder is full in that cage you're holding, all you have to do is open its little door and place it inside the bigger cage." he suggests.  
>"Oh, thanks sir."<br>"My pleasure."  
>I sit on the grass waiting for one of these friendly, feathered creatures to hop into the little cage.<p>

_Kurt must be feeling really lonely right now, if he really is staying at the dorms, then it will be his first night away from home. We should probably take him out tonight, or help him unpack. Sigh. I can't help but feel like I want to restore Kurt's hope. I remember my first day here, I felt so alone and the world to me was empty. Kurt should not feel that way. No one should._

"That's a strong one right there."

The groundskeeper was closing the little cage's door as I snap out of my thoughts.

"He was being chased by the others in a different cage for days so we moved him here this morning. Brave of him to wander into your cage." he adds.  
>"Then he's perfect. Thank you sir." I walk back to our building and the little guy starts chirping and flapping his wings proudly.<p>

The other members are gathering in our rehearsal space. I find Wes to show him the brave little canary that will soon be Kurt's pet.  
>"Nicely done Blaine. What do we name him?" Wes asks everyone in the room. Names are thrown around, <em>Larson<em>, _Mozart_, _Webber_.  
>"Pavarotti." I say. Then, Andrew comes running down the hallway through the double doors. "He's on his way." "Pavarotti it is, thanks to Blaine." Wes states.<br>We compose ourselves, every one finds a seat. I offer to wait for Kurt behind the doors; he looks puzzled when he sees me going out of the room. "Is it over? Wes said..."  
>"No, you're early actually." I say quickly to erase the worried lines on his face. "This is just part of the tradition, new members introduced to the group as they enter, don't worry all you have to do is walk in when Wes calls your name, and I'll be on the other side. So, you ready?" I ask.<p>

"Definitely."

A/N: I really want to apologize for not updating earlier, got caught up with work and stuff. But I'm back, and I'll try to update regularly. I'm actually really nervous about writing the next chapters because it involves a lot of stuff that was not seen in the episodes, meaning they will be entirely from my head and that scares me…ha. Next up is Jeremiah, Blaine's mom and sister visiting, and more of Justin's journal. I really do appreciate every single one of you who read this, and your reviews. :D


	9. Blaine Warbler

Kurt walks in, bright and overly enthusiastic, and when Wes shoots down his suggestions, his demeanor changes. I wish I could tell Wes not to be so harsh, I can see this is not how they do it in McKinley. He takes a seat next to me and stays quiet the rest of the meeting. Everyone starts to leave the room after Wes pounds his gavel, the meeting is over - auditions for the Sectionals solo will happen the end of this month and we have a few performances to rehearse for school activities.

I see Kurt whistling to Pavarotti as I catch up to him.

"Hey, you're staying at the dorms, right? Need a hand unpacking?" I ask.

"That would be nice. I will apparently live next to some weird, anti-social boy who has never had a room mate and in fact pays extra so no one would bunk with him. I expect him to be very angry when I make a lot of noise organizing tonight, though an extra set of hands would make the job quicker and more enjoyable, thanks." he quips, by way of an answer

"Well, you're in on the loop quickly." I say, quite amused by how fast rumors travel.

"I dropped my room keys and the guy who picked it up saw my room number and told me. So where's your canary?"

"Oh, each canary is passed down to a freshman or in this case, every new member. You better not get too attached to Pavarotti."

"Too late. He's adorable." He continues to whistle a beautiful melody, Pavarotti whistles back.

We reach the end of the hallway and enter Kurt's room, and just like every room on this side of the building, it has two windows facing north with a pair of desks under them, both beds positioned at the opposite ends of the room and a closet right across each bed. A pantry and his bathroom is located at the far left corner. Just like mine, Kurt's room has a balcony. He has three suitcases and two boxes to unpack.

"This room needs some decorating, I have to go shopping this weekend..." I laugh. "What? Don't tell me your room looks the same, it's kinda depressing Blaine, even for you." _Believe me, it's not the room that gets me down. _"So, which one first?" I ask.

He carefully places Pavarotti's little cage onto a desk, we both take off our blazers and start to move things around. We go over the boxes first. The ones I've opened are filled with Kurt's drawing materials, some pieces of cloth, loose paper, cds, dvds and stacks of fashion magazines. I arrange them neatly on his desk. He takes out his Ipod, hooks the speakers in and presses play. We don't talk much, I just ask him where to place the stuff I take out of the boxes, and let the music fill the air. A few hours later we find ourselves halfway done. The only thing left was Kurt's closet, I help him by folding and handing him the pieces he needs as he sorts them out by, color, fabric or preference, or something, I'm not exactly sure.

We were singing to '_I Just Can't Wait to be King_' when a knock on the door interrupts Kurt's impression of Zazu.

"Hey boys, we brought food." Andrew announces. "Hi Kurt, we didn't see you both at dinner so we thought you could use some. I see you're almost done." Wes adds.

"Thanks, guys... Wait, I'll be right back, I have some refreshments in my fridge." I say.

I half-run on my way back to Kurt's room and almost bump straight into Wes.

"You're not staying?" I ask. "No, you two look _busy_." Andrew teases.

"We need to finish some homework and I think Kurt's still a bit disappointed about our earlier." Wes states.

"He's just not used to it yet. But i think he gets it."

The two proceed to the seniors' hall and I get back to Kurt's room, he's placing the last pile of folded shirts into his cabinet. And sets a blanket on the floor.

"They left." He says. "They had homework to do, which reminds me, I have homework, my first day here!"

"You'll get the hang of it soon." I say as I sit across him.

We eat silently while _For Good_ fills the air. _Why is this so awkward? Why is he not talking? What else can I say? All I can think about are comforting words, to say them would be weird and smothering and I don't want that. Sitting silently with anyone sure gives you time to look at a person. Kurt's skin is flawless, his hair looks soft to touch. His eyes look tired, or sad, maybe both._

"Blaine," he speaks. I startle and almost choke on my salad. I take a sip of soda to calm my throat. "Yeah?"

"Does it get easier, being here, away from everything?"

"Well,"

_I'd love to tell you it does, that some of the hurt subsides, so much pain will be left and we're kept here to fix ourselves, to put ourselves back together, in the end you could feel like you're whole then you realize, you're just numbed because of the seclusion. But maybe that's just me._

"It gets better, you'll feel very homesick - sometimes alone -but that's what I'm here for. And on weekends you can drive to Lima to see your friends, we could go to the Lima Bean or that place we had lunch at. Rehearsals are always fun, the Warblers are really a cool bunch of people to hang out with - as you found out today at lunch and there are a few school activities you may like. Did I mention the campus is really beautiful? I have a feeling you will get a lot of designing done here... This is the start of a lot of new and positive things Kurt." I smile.

"Thanks, Blaine... I guess I've been avoiding feeling homesick the whole day, I should call my dad in a bit." he says as he tosses his food with his fork, his chin pressed onto his knee.

"Definitely, being here doesn't mean you're hiding or running away, Kurt." _But I am. _

Kurt smiles, gives out a sigh and says,"I've never asked you, about your story.I mean, I know you left New York to come here, but there must've been different schools you could have transferred to, why Westerville?"

"It's not the same thing. It's a bit complicated and tedious to tell, maybe tomorrow..." I say too fast. "Okaaaay." Kurt replies. "Sorry, I just meant that my story is not something you should think about now, we can talk about it some other day, when you feel more settled here." I defend myself.

"It's alright if you don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to pry." he says apologetically.

"It's not that, I promise." _I feel like I want to tell you everything, you're the only person who could understand._

We take the last few bites of pasta and he stands up to start clearing the floor. He throws all the plastic plates and food containers into a garbage bag while I fold the blanket and hang it on a chair. I grab my bag, blazer and tie, and we walk out of his room to the hallway.

"Thanks, for helping me unpack, I owe you lunch, tomorrow meet me by the fountains, my treat." he offers. "You don't have to, but I'd love that." I reply. "Where's your room, I'll walk you to your door." He goes out into the hallway as well.

"First thing you need to know," I start as I take a few steps away from Kurt with a sly grin on my face. "I did pay a little extra so I don't have a roommate, but that was last year and I have in fact, ended that. I wouldn't have minded if _you _were my roommate. Nor would I have minded if you made noise, because judging by your playlist and the dvds you brought with you, I would have asked if I could join in on the party." He's smiling now. " I don't have a lot of friends apart from the boys in the club and they're all mostly seniors. Obviously, people love to talk around here, that does not necessarily mean the talk is all true. I promise you, I'm not that weird, I prefer to call my weirdness 'little quirks'." I'm leaning against my bedroom door, across the hallway from Kurt's. He's beaming again, just like he was after 'Teenage Dream'. "Next thing you need to know is, if you ever need anything, if you feel like talking or hanging out, or if you need any help, as always, I'm right here, all you have to do is knock. I hope you have a good night's rest Kurt. Welcome to Dalton." I open my door, still facing Kurt. "Thanks Blaine. Goodnight."

"Night" I close my door behind me, drop my bag and tie. Tonight I can't deny, that it feels good to have Kurt around, someone who is my friend, not just because we are part of a brotherhood of singers, but because of what we've been through. Someone who I can finally tell everything to without feeling scared or embarrassed. Someone who might understand. Tonight I don't feel so alone.

The days go by, Kurt and I fall into some sort of routine. I wait for him for breakfast, we see each other at lunch, Nick and Jeff are also in his class, so we meet either at Warbler practice or the study hall, then we all have dinner. He never asked to hear my story again,and I never mentioned it. There are nights when he asks us to hangout in his room. He loves hosting them; preparing snacks, we sing and joke around and be silly. Those are the nights I love the most, those are the nights I feel happy and I get the feeling Kurt may be happy here too.

The past weekend he drove over to Lima to be with friends, so tomorrow, Rachel, Finn and Mercedes are coming down to visit. I promised to help him move around some furniture tonight. He showed me various swatch boards of his ideas until he finally decided to go for a modern Victorian interior for his dorm room. _The Sound of Music_ keeps us company while we figure out how to make the other undecorated half of this room blend in. I suggest we just change the sheets on the second bed and we could use that as a sofa sort of thing. We move a few details around, add a few pillows. We finish when he places one of these old looking stand lamps next to the bed and plops onto it. I sit on the floor and look around his room, it's beautiful.

"You always zone out." he says, interrupting my appreciation of his designing skills.

"What?" I whisper.

"I've noticed it, during Warbler practice, at lunch, it's like you're too far away, to deep into your thoughts."

"Well, I.." I take a deep breath and rest my head on my arms.

_I've never told anyone what happened a year ago and how much it's been plaguing me. I did not plan on sharing tonight. But Kurt will listen, he wants to know, he would understand, we went through the same thing, sort of. He needs to know, he deserves to learn from my past no matter how painful. _

I lift my head, he's lying on the bed face down, his eyes staring right into mine as though he could see the incident happen, flashing through my eyes just like they are in my thoughts.

A knock on the door startles the both of us. "Who is it?" Kurt asks, frustrated.

"Hey Kurt, it's Nick and Jeff."

"Oh yeah, I totally forgot we had to finish a paper tonight 'cause they're not gonna be here for the weekend." Kurt says as he shuffles out of the bed.

I stand up and let out a deep sigh, I feel like lying down. Nick and Jeff walk in and set some books on Kurt's desk, I excuse myself and Kurt gives me a sorry, disappointed look.

"_You had fun tonight?"_

"_Of course."_

"_You're happy"_

"_Yes"_

"_Run, Blaine. Get off me, Let go of him!"_

"_Justin, Justin!"_

"_What you gonna do homo?"_

"_Let go of us please, please."_

"_Don't you dare touch him."_

"_Well you're a tough one maybe you should go first. What do you think boys, we should take the feisty one down. You know you both have some nerve going to my dance together. "_

"_It's not your dance, it's a school dance, we're students, did that pea sized brain of yours not get that?"_

"_That does it. C'mere pretty boy."_

_Crack! Bang!_

Thud!

Ouch. Sweat drips onto my face and falls into my carpet. I turn over, trying to catch my breath. It's barely midnight. I've never seen it so vividly in my nightmares before. I touch my ribcage, nothing is broken. Blood is not dripping from my head. I can feel my legs. I lay on the floor and take my legs closer to my chest.

It's 9am when I decide to go out of my room to check if Kurt is up for breakfast before his friends get here. I knock about 4 times before my phone rings. It's a text from Kurt.

_At fountains, they're here. Planning on showing them around. You awake, sleepyhead?_

_On my way there. _I reply.

I walk sluggishly to where they are. Probably not the best shape to go hangout with Kurt's friends. What if they hate me? I mean, they're still our competition after all.

"Finally, I was beginning to think you were hibernating or something!" Kurt exclaims as I walk closer to the four of them. I try to plant a smile on my face.

"Sorry." I say shyly as the brunette who I'm sure is Rachel stands up to extend a handshake.

"Hi! I'm Rachel Berry, the New Directions' female lead vocalist." I shake her hand. she seems really excited to be here, here eyes are terrifyingly wide.

"Really Rachel? Really? You are just too much sometimes. Hello Blaine, I'm Mercedes, Kurt has told us many, many things about you."

"Oh gosh, I hope he hasn't said anything embarrassing." I say playfully, Mercedes seems nice.

"This sandwich is amazing! Kurt why do you never bring these home? You have to bring home one every week man." says the guy sitting down on the edge of the fountain, scarfing down that sandwich like there's no tomorrow. He must be Finn. "Because it's the kind of sandwich my dad cannot resist eating, now say hi to Blaine." He stands up, towering over me and speaks with his mouth half full, "Hey man, nice to meet you."

"So, Blaine Warbler, what do you guys do around here?" Rachel cuts our conversation before it even starts. "Well, Rachel," I say as I offer my arm for her to hold onto, "it's the weekend so there's usually less students around campus, I can show you around if you'd like." Kurt looks at us worriedly and I smile at him desperate to ask, _Is this okay? Am I doing okay? I hope your friends like me. _Rachel pulls me along and we start to walk. Finn bought three more sandwiches and eats them on the way, while Kurt and Mercedes are also arm in arm next to me.

We take them from the fountains, to the aviary and the lawns. The Archery Club was training at their spot that weekend and Wes and David are members, so they got them to try shooting some arrows.

I look at Kurt who is beaming, laughing like I've never heard him before. Mercedes is really playful and they have a lot of inside jokes together. Finn can't seem to place the arrows right enough to even aim, while Rachel keeps stealing glances at his struggle.

I look at them and can't help but feel weird, out of place and jealous.

There was one weekend I remember that looks just like this. When I probably looked just like Kurt. Justin, Seth and I went so Staten Island just for kicks. We walked into a record store where some musicians were jamming and they pushed me to join in. It was the first time I actually played one of my own songs on what would be considered a stage. I feel my throat tighten and my hands shake. _I cannot have that again._ I take few steps away from Kurt and Wes, pretend to walk around as I fight tears falling from my eyes.

_Stop it. Not now, not today._

It takes me a few minutes to compose myself. I walk back to find out Finn almost launched one, Rachel got close to hitting the Bull's eye and Mercedes and David exchanged phone numbers.

Kurt has been talking to Wes about Sectionals arrangements.

"I think the council should invite Kurt to audition, he's got a lot of new ideas. Are you okay? Your eyes are a bit red." Wes whispers to me as he and David prepare to leave.

"That's perfect. I'm fine, some dust got blown my way a while ago." I say.

"What was that about?" Kurt asks. I look into his eyes and feel the heat on my head as I try to remove Justin and Seth's image from my mind. "Blaine...hello?"

"Oh, nothing... it was nothing..so lunch anyone?" I call out to the others.

We grab lunch at the lounge and proceed to Kurt's room.

Finn gets comfortable on the extra bed as Kurt reminds him to take of his shoes. Rachel and Mercedes look around, repeatedly praising Kurt's taste. I go over to Pavarotti just sitting in his cage and decide to take him out to the balcony to get some fresh air. He starts to whistle a familiar tune, he's mastered the whistle Kurt's been teaching him since they first met. I try to whistle back the melody, when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi Blaine."

"Hey Mercedes, hope you're having fun. Kurt's been really excited for today." I say.

"I'm great, this place looks great, about Kurt, how's he been lately? I mean, he says things are fine. But he also said he was fine when his back was getting slammed into lockers everyday. We worry about him so much, or at least I do." she says sheepishly, Mercedes is nothing like Rachel.

I take her hand and say, "He's okay here, misses you guys everyday, misses his dad too, but he's the strongest person I know and he's very lucky to have friends like you." At my words i feel like lying down and curling. Instead, I extend my arms to hug Mercedes to find Kurt looking at us, probably wondering what we're talking about. We both let go and Rachel summons Mercedes to checkout Kurt's closet. I look out into the north lawn.

_My friends_.

I could feel my chest tighten again. I try to breathe deeply. In and out. In and out.

"Hey there, Blaine Warbler." Kurt teases as he whistles to Pavarotti.

"Please don't let that catch on." I plead playfully.

"Too late, Rachel's branded you. Its how she'll call you from now on and how she'll talk about you back at McKinley. So we were thinking of going to the mall, would you like to join us, or have we taken your Saturday completely and would prefer to stay here and.."

"Sure." I say before he finishes his sentence "I wouldn't want you to drive back alone."

He smiles and I take Pavarotti inside, they're still both whistling.

We go around the mall, or rather Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel look around and buy stuff while Finn and I talk about the game that was on yesterday. About two hours in, Finn starts whining and asks if we could sit down. I offer to sit with him while the others continue to shop.

We find a bench right across the GAP store and from afar, I could easily spot that curly mop of blonde hair and was sure who it was. Jeremiah is working today.

_**A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you guys are having a wonderful holiday! Let me start by saying how thankful I am for each and every one of you who read, review and send me messages. :D This chapter ends with the intro to Jeremiah, now I must say that although I've tried to stay within the timeline of the show, the next few chapters may not and I don't want to confuse anybody. :D I promise to post the next chapter before the year ends. It involves a lot of the journal, Jeremiah, Seth, Justin, Blaine's mom and sister, and the audition for Sectionals solo.**_

_****I apologize for that typo. It was irresponsible of me not to reread this note. sorry guys.**_


	10. Yellow

The first time I saw Jeremiah, my heart sped up in a very familiar way. He offered to help Wes pick out a tie and my eyes darted straight to these familiar green eyes. I blurted out "Justin", he laughed as he pointed to his name tag and said "close enough".

From that moment, whenever I came here alone, I took the time to sit on this bench to see if he's working and imagine that he _is _Justin - and I was waiting for him to finish his shift. I think of uncountable what ifs that all answer to this: _No. Those things will never happen because of that night that changed our lives forever._ And I walk away.

Finn leaves for a while to look for snacks as I take out my Ipod and scroll through my playlist, unsure of what I want to hear. A stranger sits next to me, before I get the chance to tell him the seat's taken, Jeremiah's eyes stop me again."Hi there." he says.

I'm speechless.

"I remember you. Where are your friends?" he asks.

"Oh, they're not here." I answer, fumbling with my earphones.

"Too bad, say would you like to go out sometime...for coffee?"

"I... Uhh... sure." I manage to say.

"Cool! Give me your number and I'll give you a call."

He hands me his phone, I save my number and he walks away.

Finn comes back with a basket of nachos. I'm still flustered by the encounter. It's a good thing Finn's busy eating or else he'd notice the panic in my eyes.

After their shopping spree we go for dinner at Breadstix. Kurt notices my uneasiness as I keep checking my phone, hoping to get a call - or at least a text message from Jeremiah, but I receive nothing. The dinner is quite entertaining, the New Directions are struggling within and they have their own personal drama as well. Normally, I would feel good about the fact that our rival choir may be very distracted, but they're Kurt's friends... Friends I wish I had. I check my phone once more. By the end of the night I look in as Kurt and Rachel exchange a few more jokes and plan something for the next weekend. Mercedes hugs me again and Finn shakes my hand as they get into his car and drive back home. Kurt drives us back to Dalton as I check my phone one more time.

"Must be really important for you to check every five minutes." Kurt says.

"It's nobody." I say flatly to drop the subject. Talking about Jeremiah might lead me to talk about Justin and I feel too frustrated to even go there. I let out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry. Just a little worn out. You had fun today?" I ask.

"Yeah, saw you and Mercedes hugging, care to share?" he asks.

"She just misses you and was wondering how you really are at Dalton. Your friends are amazing Kurt."

"You should meet the rest of the New Directions. I love our little gaggle of misfits. If the Warblers ever make it to Nationals this year, maybe we could hang out with your friends."

"I'm sure they would love that." I say looking out the window, trying to keep my voice from breaking.

I fall asleep during the drive, listening to Kurt hum some song.

"Hey sleepyhead, we're home." Kurt whispers as he nudges me to wake.

"Wha... gosh!" I sit upright. "Did i sleep all the whole drive Kurt? I'm so sorry, I mean I came along to make sure you had someone with you and I..."

"Don't worry about it. I was surprised you wanted to spend the whole Saturday babysitting my friends or Finn mostly."

_How could I have fallen asleep. That was so embarrassing._

I was about to tell Kurt how I was going to make it up to him, I was distracted earlier, I fell asleep on the drive, I was the worst friend today. Before I could speak, his phone rings.

"Oh my god Rach, we just got in." Kurt gushes as he motions for me to join him in his room, I excuse myself in reply, mouthing another "sorry". I really don't feel like hanging out tonight.

After a cold shower I walk out to my balcony, phone in hand. Still nothing. I feel stupid. Why am I waiting? He probably won't call. I planned on simply crashing, but found myself opening Justin's journal, confused with Jeremiah in my head. I flip through the pages Justin stuck photos of us. I find one taken in my room back in New York. He took it while Seth and I were busy reading comic books. It was just an ordinary day.

I go slowly through the sketches, of me, of us. These moments, some I vaguely remember, immortalized in pencil and ink through Justin's eyes. Tears are welling up again. I let them flow, tired of keeping them back throughout the day. I make it to the near end of the sketches to find a flyer, neon pink, almost torn _The Sadie Hawkins Dance. _Also glued to the page is our tickets for that night. At the sight of them I can't help but let out sobs, my hands start shaking. That night, I can't help to love and to hate at the same time.

_We were happy. Justin, Seth and I. Why did we have to go through those things. Why did I love Justin? Things would not have happened if we didn't get together like that. Why am I all alone now. Why? Why? Why?_

I turn through the next page to find them deliberately torn out. I cannot control it any longer. This loneliness, my grief, and a sadness that keeps returning.

_It's still not over. I'm not over anything yet. No matter how much I try to move on,_ _things keep bringing me back. Jeremiah, Kurt, and this journal. This fucking journal._

I throw the leather-bound book across the room, the torn pages probably caused the binding to loosen and pages are scattered on the floor. I throw my knees back and clutch them tightly.

* * *

><p>I wake up Sunday morning, still undressed, head throbbing, eyes sore from falling asleep as I cried. I just lay in bed the rest of the morning. I hear footsteps as Kurt walks over to my door, I assume it's late in the afternoon. He knocks.<p>

"Blaine, are you alright? Haven't seen you all day."

I rush to put on a hoodie and sweatpants to answer the door. I peek out slightly, seeing that he's brought some food.

"I'm fine Kurt, just a bit under the weather, but I'll be okay by tomorrow."

My throat feels dry and rough, I probably sound convincing - because he rushes to his room and comes back, placing an aspirin and some of his vitamins in my hand. I promise to take them along with the food he brought. I close the door, paper bag in hand. I feel too weak to even walk over to my desk. I slump on my dorm room floor and rest my head on the door.

I jump when someone knocks on my door again. I'd been sitting for about an hour, maybe less.

"Blaine, it's Wes, are you there?"

_Oh no. If Wes sees me like this, he'll get curious, then he'll assume something's wrong and won't stop until he gets it out of me_.

Before I even try to get up I hear the muffled sound of Kurt's voice. "He's sick. I brought him food and gave him some vitamins, he must be asleep."

" Oh," Wes replies. "I'll let him rest then. I was just going to remind you both, auditions are on Wednesday. We're all very excited to see what you got, Kurt."

"Really? Wow. You're asking me to audition? " Kurt replies, somewhat nervously.

"Yes, Blaine didn't tell you yet? I texted him yesterday... Well, I guess he just forgot. Anyway, I'll drop by later or look for him tomorrow when he's better. Later Kurt."

The auditions for Sectionals, of course its this week.

_Shit_.

A few weeks ago I decided to sing a mid-tempo version of _Happy Together_.

I try to sing it out halfway through, I go out of tune and stop.

_There is no way I'd ever be able to sell this_.

In my head this song would be perfect. The boys could add harmonies, we could do a domino of voices. I clutch my head in my hands.

_No, I can't lose this too... I can't let the boys down... This could help us win_.

I try to focus.

My voice breaks.

_Fuck_.

I feel the throbbing pain on my knuckles. It will surely bruise tomorrow. I should not have punched the wall.

_No, focus, Blaine._

As I shake off the pain and press the rewind button on my player to try again, I hear my phone ringing from my bag.

"Mom?" I answer, my voice still a bit strained.

"Blaine, honey, you alright?"

I take a deep breath before I answer. "I'm fine mom, how about you? Dad? Eva?"

"We're all good dear. We miss you terribly, oh Eva wants to talk."

"Blaine?" At the sound of my sister's voice, all of my frustration melts and I am able to smile even for a while.

"Hey baby girl, Sorry I haven't called. What did you do today?"

"I got a gold star in school today and we're putting on a play!"

"Really, wow, that's my girl. What's the play about?"

"This girl named Dorothy. I'm Dorothy, Blaine. Did mommy tell you yet? I get to see you after tomorrow." _What? _I hear my mother ask for her phone back.

"Blaine, we're flying there tomorrow evening, the three of us. Your father has a meeting in Columbus the morning after, so we've decided to visit. I'll arrange for your excuse slips when we get there. Is that alright dear?"

"Of course mom! I'd be happy to see you, Eva and Dad."

"Well, Dad might be caught up the whole day, he might join us for dinner though. We take the red eye back home."

"Oh, alright. So you and Eva will spend the whole day Tuesday here. Right."

"Are you busy? Do you want us to just drop by after your classes?"

"No, no, I'd love to see you both and spend the day."

"Okay, do you want anything from home?"

I fall silent at her words.

"No mom, I'm all good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, mom."

"Alright, Goodnight honey, see you soon."

"Goodnight mom."

* * *

><p>I spend the whole Monday morning straightening out my room. Any traces of the weekend hidden again. I'm trying to look okay, gelled hair and all. My mother does not need to see me like that. My sister deserves a brother who can protect her, not someone broken. My dad, if I see him, needs to see me well enough to think Dalton is not a waste. I bandage my right hand, still thinking of an excuse for my swollen knuckles.<p>

Justin's journal is a mess, the pages are all mixed up as I hide them away into my drawer. I feel so much hatred for the thing right now.

I decide to get to my afternoon classes. On my way down the staircase I find Kurt, Nick and Jeff laughing. I try to run past them, but Kurt sees me and follows.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?" he asks softly.

"It's nothing." I say curtly. "Sorry, late for class." I leave.

The day goes by a blur, by the end of it I try to stay away from my dorm room. I go for an evening run. The night air is refreshing. I walk around after a few rounds to wind down and stop when I see a familiar silhouette on a third floor balcony. It's Kurt, walking back and forth. He must be rehearsing for the audition.

_I wish you well Kurt. You'll be great. I won't make it, I'm sure of it. _

I watch as he does these hand gestures. I don't hear a word but it seems something operatic. He runs by the song twice before going back inside.

_Will I sing on Wednesday, knowing and feeling like I won't do a good enough job?_

* * *

><p>"There's supposed to be a wizard and a lion." Eva explains.<p>

"Yes, there's also a scarecrow and witches." I tell her as she sits on my lap, holding me tightly.

"Really? Wow!" she screams.

"I have the movie in my room, we could watch it today if you like." I say, making her smile wider.

"Yay! Mommy, Blaine has our play in his room. We're watching!"

"Shh... Mommy's in the headmaster's office, we can't be too noisy." I whisper as I kiss her hair.

Eva continues to try to whisper when Kurt walks out of our Guidance counsellor's office. He sees us and I motion him to come over.

"Hello there, I love your shoes." he tells her.

"Thanks! I picked them out." she answers enthusiastically.

"Eva, this is Kurt. He's a good friend of mine." I say.

She pulls out a handshake and says, "Hi Kurt, I like your hair and your eyes they look like Ariel's eyes. Do you want to join us Kurt? We're watching Dorothy!"

"It's the Wizard of Oz, Eva. And yeah, do you have a lot of classes today? You can hang with us if you like." I offer. Kurt looks surprised.

"Sure. I just have to do this report this morning, but I'm free after lunch."

"Alright, cool. Call me just in case we're not in my room 'kay?"

"Okay, see you. Eva, I'll see you later."

"Bye Kurtsie." that leaves a wide smile on Kurt's face. As he leaves my mother and our headmaster finally come out.

We head to my dorm which now looks pristine and very organized. Eva jumps onto my bed while my mother fusses around my blazer.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping well. Come here." She hugs me tightly, I hug her back, fighting tears again.

"Things have just been a bit hectic. The audition for Sectionals is tomorrow." I explain. She takes my injured hand and kisses it. I try to make up an excuse about the boys trying to get me into boxing. She doesn't listen, instead she takes out a bottle of aloe from Eva's bag and spreads it onto my swollen knuckles. It's soothing.

I set up The Wizard of Oz on my laptop as Eva and I plop onto my bed. She snuggles right under my shoulder. Our mother continues to walk around my room, rearranging things. She opens my closet and finds nothing organized, just the way I meant it. It keeps her busy while Eva continues to watch and ask questions. I know she feels bad that she's not able to take care of me the way she should.

After lunch I take them both to the Aviary. Eva runs around the cages, amazed by the different birds. I hold my mother close. There's something I've been meaning to ask her.

"How is dad? How is home?"

"You know your father, he loves his job. He loves us too but has no idea how to juggle everything.

This meeting he's in is very important, for all of us." She puts her hand on my face. "Home, is different. Come home for the holidays this year. It's alright Blaine."

"I don't think I'm ready." I'm far from ready.

"Take all the time you need, dear." She says as she hugs me tightly once more.

"Kurtsie, kurtsie!" Eva screams as she runs to Kurt. She sees Pavarotti in his little cage and immediately asks Kurt if she could pet him. "I'm sorry dear, he might fly way if we open the little door."

"Oh... Okay... Blaine where's your pet bird?" She asks.

"Well, I used to have one, but someone else had to take care of him."

I introduce Kurt to my mother, he compliments the white laced sun dress, her grey pea coat and the teal beret my father gave her that she wore today. I took it as a cue to leave them to talk endlessly about fashion and decide to race Eva around the Aviary.

We lie around the grass after a round of hide and seek.

"Blaine, will you be home for Christmas and my play?" She asks as we stare at the clouds. "Of course, I wouldn't miss it for anything."

_I cannot let her down. My bright, innocent, loving sister, I have to suck it all in, she is more important to me than any of my fears, than any of the threats. I'm going back to New York this year._

I walk them over to the gates as we wait for the car my father sent to arrive. Eva is worn out and falls asleep on our mother's lap. I sit on the bench across theirs, thankful for the day, but still hoping for my father to make an appearance.

"Blaine?" My mother asks.

"Mhmm?"

"Has Justin ever tried to get in touch with you?" I am shocked by her question.

_Does she know where he is? Why is she even asking me this?_

"No, he hasn't. I don't want him to." _Maybe_. "I haven't tried looking for him either."

"This came in the mail." She takes out a white envelope, I reach out to take it from her. I feel my chest tighten at the sight of his handwriting.

"There's no return address..."

I stay silent. Justin's letter in my hand.

A car pulls into the driveway, I carry Eva into the back seat.

"You father is sorry he couldn't take us out to dinner tonight. I want you to take care of yourself here, and never forget that we love you very very much." She kisses my forehead and gets into the car.

I walk back to the dorm with a heavier heart than before.

_What does he think he's doing sending letters? Where is he? Do I even want to know?_

I step into the threshold, Andrew is on his way out. "Auditions tomorrow man, I got one that's gonna blow you away." I try to smile and rush to my room.

_Pretend time is over_. I throw the unopened envelope onto my bed.

I don't feel like rehearsing, or moving so I sit on my floor once more, head in my hands. I fall back into my emotions. I feel them flowing through my body, like lava, like I'm close to exploding. My heart starts racing. The heat from my feet to my fingertips slowly rising to my head.

_When will it end? _

My phone vibrates in my pocket, a text message:

_Hey there! - Jeremiah_

That does it. I throw my phone across my room, it's screen breaks. I get up, walk heavily to my bed and rip the envelope open. I take out about three pages of paper folded together. The left side broken, like the pages have been ripped out. As I open the torn pages from Justin's journal, three dried petals fall to the floor, I read the first line:

Sorry,

* * *

><p><strong>Look at the stars,<strong>

**Look how they shine for you,**

**And everything you do,**

**Yeah, they were all yellow.**

_"Won't we get in trouble for this Justin?"_

_"Trust me, you'll love it."_

_He opens the door and walks out to the school rooftop. Taking my hand, he leads me to the edge. The city lights are stunning._

**I came along,**

**I wrote a song for you,**

**And all the things you do,**

**And it was called "Yellow".**

**So then I took my turn,**

**Oh what a thing to have done,**

**And it was all "Yellow."**

_"Did you have fun tonight?"_

_" Yes, I can't believe this is happening"_

_"I can."_

_His hand cups my face, those mesmerizing green eyes catching mine and not letting go. His lips start to move with mine like a dance, going through fast and slow caressing motions. I move my hands through his hair, onto his chest. I feel the heat from his touch and as he breaks our kiss for air, leaving the scent of his corsage on my skin. _

_Bang! The roof door slams open revealing five seniors, one of them, my attacker's brother._

**Your skin,**

**Oh yeah your skin and bones,**

**Turn into something beautiful,**

_"No! Justin! Please, please stop. Stop we''ll leave, please!" _

_Two jocks hold onto Justin's arms as I watch him become a human punching bag._

"_Not so tough now ,are you?"_

"_Please! Please, stop! Please!"_

_"Make him shut up! Someone might hear." He commands._

_One of the two clutching my arms punches the side of my head, leaving a ringing sound in my ear, almost knocking me out. I manage to see Justin kneel down and fall face first onto the roof floor,blood coming out of his nose. I'm next._

_He holds my head up, "We told you not to mess with us. We warned you. You had the nerve to get him expelled. That was a stupid thing to do."_

_I hear a crack as he punches my side. I gasp for air. His class ring scrapes my face as he smacks me with his heavy hand. _

"_I don't see how you two fags even have the nerve. You're disgusting."_

_He knees my abdomen and ends it with elbowing my chest. I fall into the ground, my heartbeat pounding, warm, wet blood trickling from my head. I fight to gasp for air._

**You know, you know I love you so,**

**You know I love you so.**

_Beep_

_Beep _

_Beep_

**I swam across,**

**I jumped across for you,**

**Oh what a thing to do.**

**Cos you were all "Yellow",**

_"I know who did this! Listen to me, you have to find them, I know where they hang out. We have to get to them now before they hide." Seth screams as he holds my hand, crying._

_"Blaine, I promise we'll make them pay for this."_

_Beep_

_Beep _

_Beep_

**I drew a line,**

**I drew a line for you,**

_"No! You're lying! Seth can't be! That's not true!" I scream as the tubes on my hand and skin sting._

**Oh what a thing to do,**

**And it was all "Yellow."**

_"Where's the other boy? Where's Justin?" I hear my mother ask as I feign sleep, her voice tired and weary._

_"His parents moved him to a different facility for rehabilitation, with the suspects still at large we advised them to seek treatment somewhere else. We ask you to do the same, ma'am. We cannot lose another young life."_

_I hold on tightly to my hospital bed. _

_This can't be true._

**Your skin,**

**Oh yeah your skin and bones,**

**Turn into something beautiful,**

_"We are gathered here today to remember a boy who gave his life for justice, for truth. Seth Fletcher was a kind young man, a good son and a great friend."_

**And you know,**

**For you I'd bleed myself dry,**

**For you I'd bleed myself dry.**

**It's true,**

**Look how they shine for you,**

**Look how they shine for you,**

**Look how they shine for,**

**Look how they shine for you,**

**Look how they shine for you,**

**Look how they shine.**

**Look at the stars,**

**Look how they shine for you,**

**And all the things that you do.**

I open my eyes, the Warblers applaud my audition. I take the time to stand from the piano and bow, wiping the tears that fall swiftly before anyone sees. Wes motions for us to leave while the council deliberates. I make sure I'm the first out and run to deep into the the south gardens. It's staring to get dark and almost everybody is on their way to dinner, no one will hear me .

Catching my breath and letting out uncontrollable sobs, I scream til my throat hurts.

I loosen my tie, throw my bag to the side and, losing any strength I had left, I fall to my knees on the grass.

_Seth is gone, Seth is dead, because of me, because of us, because of...that 's all my fault..Justin, what did we do. Why did I?_

I walk back to the dorm, my shirt stained with green, it's way past curfew. I climb onto one of the windows on the east side of our building. Wes probably took cue from my absence after the audition and left our rehearsal room window open. I have to thank him for covering for me again. I sneak in, walking slowly, my head down. The halls of Dalton at midnight are hauntingly peaceful and the eerie silence makes for great cover as I sneak past my friends' dorm rooms, trying my hardest to not make a sound.

As I keep going, I try and think about Eva and her being Dorothy and how I don't plan on letting her down. It doesn't help... The weight on my chest fails to diminish at the thought of my baby sister in a blue and white frock, saying iconic lines. As I turn right into the hallway that leads to my room, all thoughts of my sister and her first play are gone, leaving me feeling even more hollow and weak than before.

I stop before I reach my room, to find Kurt fast asleep on the hallway floor by his bedroom door.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading this far. Parts of this chapter have been running through my head since the beginning and I'm glad and quite surprised they're out. It's the chapter I was scared to write, because it dealt with a lot of emotions and revelations, and I wanted to do them right. And I'm rambling. Anyway, If anyone is wondering how Blaine's version of "Yellow" sounds like, check out Sarah Bareilles' cover, it's very close to that.**

**As always, I'm very very thankful for each person who reads this. I get butterflies when you guys add this to your story alerts or favorite this story and review, so I am very grateful to you all. I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve! Happy 2012!**


	11. Sectionals

_A/N: Are you still there guys? Could you forgive me for my lack of updates for this one? It's my baby and I feel like I want to do good every chapter, also work and shiz. So we left off with Blaine breaking down as he finally acknowledges some painful memories. He finds Kurt asleep outside his bedroom, leaning on his door, across Blaine's._

* * *

><p>He looks so peaceful, still in his uniform.<p>

Kurt stirs as I carefully drop my blazer,bag and sit across him. "Hey." I whisper.

"Hi..." he says wiping his tired eyes open.

"What are you doing on the floor? Did you get locked out? You should have gone to the housing officeto get them to open your door. You can stay with me for the night if you'd like." I offer.

"No," he sits up. "I was waiting for you."

_What? Why?_

He takes out a paper bag. "It's a mint chocolate chip cookie, we went to the Lima Bean, Wes remembered you loved them... Congratulations! You got the solo for Sectionals!" he jolts with excitement. "You weren't there when they announced it. Where did you run off to?"

I take the paper bag and stare into it like it was a deep, deep hole. When I snap out of it, Kurt is looking straight into my eyes. I sigh deeply. "Thanks, Kurt. I... um.. How about you? W-What happened?" I stutter, unable to make any eye contact.

"Oh, apparently my audition was a bit over the top, according to David." he huffs. "Nick and Jeff got a duet though. Andrew and I are subs, I feel good about it. Wes ended the meeting with a speech about the Warblers, about helping each other out - shining as a group." he says, half-smiling.

"I'm sorry."

"What for? Are you serious? Your audition was beautiful. But you left right after, and you're covered in dirt." he says looking at me worriedly. I shift my arms trying to cover up the mud stains.

"I went out for a walk." I answer, my head down.

"Did you fall into a ditch or something?" he retorts, his worried green eyes piercing through me.

I don't speak.

_I want you to know Kurt, but it hurts, it hurts too much. I can feel it now. Seth died because of Justin and me. Because of who I am. I lost my best friend because of what I am._

He takes my hand, crawls closer to me and gives me a hug. I cry into Kurt's shoulder.

* * *

><p>Sectionals is three weeks away, I spend much of the first week rehearsing vocals with Wes and David while Kurt rehearses with Andrew, Nick and Jeff. All the Warblers will hustle through vocal rehearsal, dance rehearsal, classes and deadlines. We don't hangout as often or even eat together 'cause everyone is using their free time to get schoolwork done by the time we put together vocals and choreography, the second week. The final days leading to the competition, we rehearse til lights out, sing in our bedrooms, and wake up early the next day to at least run the whole routine twice.<p>

* * *

><p>Last year, we lost to Vocal Adrenaline. I am hoping our arrangement of Hey Soul Sister and the duet will get us through this year. Our green room is bustling with excitement. We're ready, the routine is perfect and we're all warmed up. I finish parting my hair to the side and straightening my tie, when I see Kurt in the mirror's reflection. He seems agitated about something, his phone in his hand.<p>

"Are you alright? " I ask, walking over to his side.

"Are you?" He replies, eyes shifting from worry to care faster than a blink.

"Of course! It's d-day Kurt, we're gonna win this thing!" I say loudly, the rest of the boys cheer.

He stands from the dressing chair and leans toward my ear, "I mean really, how are you? You cried in my arms, thanked me for the cookie and closed the door. You zone out at rehearsal and you've been avoiding me for the past few days..."

_You make me feel like..._

"It's Rachel. I have to go to the lobby..." he puts on his blazer and starts to walk, but stops and turns to me.

"We're friends, right? Somehow, from my experience, that means you can tell me anything that's bothering you whenever you choose. It also means I've been worried since that night, and you can't blame me for trying to say this to you now, I'm here for you too. The same way you've been there for me."

He walks out and I bow my head. From the corner of my eye I see Wes looking on. He gives me a look sort of asking if every thing's alright. I nod.

_Focus Blaine. Focus._

"Warblers, the organizers are asking us to fill our seats in a few minutes, we're going on second. When the first group ascends, we will be ushered backstage. Warblers at Sectionals, let's go out there and win this thing!" Thad announces.

We all gathered at the center of the green room, arms around each other's shoulders. This is the best part of being a Warbler, every time we perform we huddle and council members say a few words. This what kept me going last year.

"Wait! Where's Kurt?" Nick ask as we pull closer for the huddle.

"He went out to see his friends. I'll go get him." I say rushing out.

"Hey, it's time." I give Rachel a nod and a smile and take Kurt by the shoulders.

"Where are we going?"

"Another Warbler tradition." I whisper.

The boys cheer as we enter, I lead Kurt to my side and wrap my right arm on his shoulder. He smiles.

"Boys, last year we were here, we lost, and though we accepted that defeat, it was not easy. I just want to say how honored I am to be leading a team that continues to work together harmoniously despite the drawbacks. We were never a team that dwells on negativity, and I am proud of us." David starts.

"We started this year in the best way I could think of. I would like to congratulate Blaine, Nick and Jeff for their efforts to lead us into the first round of the competition. I know you three will perform your best and we will all be beside you all the way."

"They've said everything so seriously! I just want to say that let's go out there and have fun! Let's dance away! It would be tons of awesomeness if we win, but if we don't, as part of the graduating class, I want us to remember this performance as one where we had a blast!" Wes adds.

Everyone is in high spirits now, smiling and placing their hands in the middle of the circle when Kurt speaks,

"I... I just want to add how thankful I am of everybody. For asking me to join you guys and for letting me stay." Looking straight into my eyes he continues, "I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be friends with."

I smile. He puts his hand over mine and we all scream "Go Warblers!" as loud as we can.

We were moving out to the lobby and into the back of the auditorium to find our seats, when I hear the most adorable voice call my name. I turn around and there she is, running towards us, pushing people's legs to get through the crowd. Our mother tries to catch up with her but quits when she sees that Eva found me.

"Blaine!" I scoop her up, making her yellow dress crease.

"Careful!" she cautions but holds onto my neck tightly. "I came to hear you sing!"

"Yeah, not gonna lie, you're my lucky charm. I think we're gonna win for sure." I whisper, kissing her hair.

"You're just saying that." She protests as I put her down. I laugh.

"Hello, dear!" our mother greets me with a hug as Eva takes my hand. I look around, waiting, hoping my father would show up. He isn't around. I fail to hide the disappointment on my eyes, something my mother sees and as she cups my face, fingers stroking my cheek - I smile, It's no big deal.

"Dad told me to give you this." She hands me an envelope with a letter inside it. It reads:

_Dear Mr. Anderson,_

_We would like to inform you, your primary audition has been accepted and we would love for you to be present for the second round of auditions on the 12th of December. Please prepare two holiday songs, you may bring sheet music or prerecorded accompaniment. Good Luck! _

_Mr. Riley Cooper,_

_Program Management,King's Island Christmas Spectacular, Kings Island Theater_

"We're spending Christmas in Ohio?" I asked, confused. "Wait...What audition?"

"We sent one of our home movies of you singing. He wanted to be here." my mother responds.

"But he isn't." I say. Eva tugs my blazer. "What is it?"

"We get to go to this theme park for Christmas baby girl!"

"Really?" she answers wide eyed. I kneel so I can talk to her without her needing to look up.

"It's a magical place, Dad used to take me there all the time. You'll love it. I have to go inside now, watch closely okay. Remember, you're my lucky charm and I want to see you from the stage." I tap her nose and let go of her hand, she laughs and crinkles her face.

"We have to take our seats, you should both find yours, it's about to start." I slide the note into my pocket and kiss my mom's cheek before I catch up with the rest of the Warblers.

_Why is he doing this? What does it all mean? Is he trying to make amends?_

_Since I came out our relationship has been strained. What used to be a very close father-son relationship turned to stern looks and quiet dinners. He never sat at my bedside at the hospital, always just outside my room. He wasn't there at Seth's funeral he hasn't called since I transferred to Dalton. He assumed we had nothing in common because of who I loved._

I find the boys already seated, the place next to Kurt is the only empty one.

"Your mom is here?" he asks.

"Yeah, my sister too. You should go talk to her later, her dress is something you would like, I think."

* * *

><p>The stage lights are out. I feel my heart beating rapidly against my chest. We take our places behind the curtain. I feel uneasy. The intermission starts, a local comedian has at least a few jokes to let out before the curtains open. I close my eyes.<p>

...

"_Dad, do you think by next year I'll be tall enough to ride the roller coaster?" I ask._

"_I think you should listen to your mother when she tells you to drink your milk and eat your vegetables. I hear Seth does that's why he's tall enough."_

"_But you know I'd never go without you buddy." Seth punches my arm._

_..._

"_No, I won't go out, everybody is out there, Dad, I'll mess up." I say clutching to the microphone._

"_Why do you think you're going to mess up? As far as I know my son is a really good singer, really good. And it's mommy's birthday tonight and you want to make her happy. And if you're nervous just look at me okay, or look at mommy's smile."_

"_or her belly?"_

"_Yes, or that. You'll be amazing son."_

"_OH YEAH ! Go BLAINE!" Seth cheers standing on a chair at the back of the crowd of family members._

_..._

"And now for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westerville, The Warblers!"

The velvet curtains start to rise, I take one deep breath and the boys start our intro. I smile, _Seth if you can hear me, thank you. _The spotlight hits my face and the memories fill me up with so much warmth and I know._ I know I can do this._

My solo ends. The feeling of accomplishment, relief and overwhelming joy flows through me. I feel heat on my cheeks as I look over the audience, Mom and Eva standing up, clapping wildly.

We move towards out second formation, the group is divided equally on both ends of the stage. Nick and Jeff take center, the spotlight hits them we harmonize: _VummVummVumm_

**You can't find the phone, so you can call it off**

**But it might be for the best**

**You can't walk away, anyway**

**Cause you've nowhere else to go**

**Is he worth all this, is it a simple yes?**

'**Cause if you have to think, it's fucked**

**Feels like you loved him more, than he loved you**

**And you wish you'd never met**

Our _oohs_ and _ahhs_ compliment the two perfectly. I look at Kurt from across the stage, and the whole time I could hear his voice and only his as he sings in the background, an octave higher than Nick.

**Don't keel over now**

**Don't keel over**

**Don't keel over now**

**Don't keel over**

**You've been up all night, and the night before**

**You've lost count of drinks and time**

**And your friends keep calling, worried sick**

**There's strangers everywhere**

_"You don't always have to be so strong. Whatever it is that you're going through, I'm here and like you made me feel once, we are not alone." Kurt whispers as I fight the sobs that try to escape my mouth, the paper bag he handed me squished._

**And in one little moment**

**It all implodes**

**This isn't everything you are**

**Breathe deeply in the silence**

**No sudden moves**

**This isn't everything you are**

**Just take the hand that's offered**

**And hold on tight**

**This isn't everything you are**

**There's joy not far from here, right**

**I know there is**

**This isn't everything you are**

**When you took the call**

**How could you know**

**That he'd slipped away last night**

**And you wish you went home, days ago**

**To say goodbye or just hello**

_"All you have to do is ask for help Blaine. You can tell me anything."_

**And in one little moment**

**It all implodes**

**This isn't everything you are**

**Breathe deeply in the silence**

**No sudden moves**

**This isn't everything you are**

**Just take the hand that's offered**

**And hold on tight**

**This isn't everything you are**

_"Uhh...Thanks for the cookie, sorry I ruined your shirt. Goodnight." I stand up, take my things and hurry to open my door. I shut Kurt outside still on his knees, looking scared and worried._

He is looking right at me as the last words of the song escape his mouth.

**Just take the hand that's offered**

**And hold on tight**

**This isn't everything you are**

**There's joy not far from here, right**

**I know there is**

**This isn't everything you are **

We bow our heads slowly as our vocals fade out. The lights are dimmed and the curtain closes. Everyone breaks out of formation, and for a moment Kurt and I just stand there. Jeff proceeds to push him out of my sight and we all exit the stage.

Wes grabs my shoulder, as we hustle backstage, "I think we both agree we got this in the bag. Kinda weird though, I feel like winning is great, but if we win against Kurt's friends, what then?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"It must hurt, for him, to compete against his friends, If i were in his place and we won against you guys, it wouldn't feel like much of a win. Surely Kurt's voice is as important to the New Directions, as it is to us now. He may not have won the solo against you, but the whole group heard how good he was. I just hope that if we do win, Kurt would still feel like he has a place in the Warblers, and he doesn't feel too bad about it."

_I'm the worst friend. Kurt must have been so torn about being here. That's why he looked so distressed. Our hallway encounter added to his worries._

"You guys were awesome!" Mercedes says, pulling me out of my thoughts, the New Directions are going last.

" I bet you guys have something amazing as well! Break legs!" I say offering a hug.

"Where's Kurt?"

"He's out there with Rachel. She's still a bit cranky. Finn thing. Catch you later!" she waves as she enters backstage.

I see Kurt holding Rachel's hand and wishing her luck. She passes by me and smiles. Then walks away muttering something about Santa or Satan or someone.

I smile. "Hey!"

"Hi, you were great as always!" he says beaming.

"Thank you. I...uhh...I'm sorry. It must be difficult, seeing them perform. You should be there." I reply.

"It's mind boggling actually. I miss them, but we worked so hard too. I want us to win badly enough, though." he smiles.

"We, us." I laugh and nudge him teasingly.

"Uh..the Warblers, I mean..I..We are a unit..a group..togetherness.." he stutters turning red.

"I know Kurt, just like Wes says all the time..." we stand there in silence.

"We should get back to our seats." he suggests.

"Right." I say, I have to apologize properly later.

The New Directions start their set, two blonds begin with their duet. Kurt looks on excitedly, then he lets out a long sigh.

"Who are they?" I ask, just to get him out of his thoughts.

"Sam, and Quinn." he answers.

"Why isn't Rachel singing lead? I thought..."

"Apparently Mr. Schuester, our director, vetoed her. She's been devastated, texting me her sorrows. I think there's some trouble within the group as well." he shares.

Sam and Quinn reach the stage and the curtain opens to reveal the rest of the group. They look amazing, dancing around to the beat.

Mercedes hits the final high note and Kurt is up on his feet, clapping. I stand up as well, and the rest of the Warblers follow suit. Kurt laughs. It's been a while since I heard him laugh. We take our seat again.

The drum beat of a very familiar song starts and a very refreshing voice comes out of one of Kurt's friends. I look at him to ask, but he notices right away.

"That's Santana, her attitude is as fierce as the voice you hear right now. She'll tell you how it really is without hey, Mike and Brittany are going to dance. They've never done that before... Wow... Mr. Schue really thought about this."

I see Wes watching worriedly, none of us dance like these two. We might not win this after all. They manage to pull out flips and turns that end with the guy sliding the other blond around his waist, Thad looks downtrodden, Nick and Jeff whisper at each other. They execute one final flip and the New Directions fall to their ending formation.

We stand up and applaud with Kurt a second time, it was a great performance, whole, they put out all their strengths. An usher directs us to head backstage, all groups must be there before they announce the winner.

"They were awesome Kurt." I say.

"We were too, just different. We have as much chance as they do, or we both might not win and the oldies get to move on to Regionals." he says smiling.

_Huh. Kurt Hummel, how are you even real? Who thinks that way? How is it that you are the one who is still very hopeful right now?_

Wes passes by us and I shout to him, "Don't sweat it, it's not over yet."

The rest of the group hears.

"Yeah, we were gold guys, Mercedes thought so, and I would trust her opinion with my life. I think we're still in this thing. " Kurt adds.

Wes looks around. He sees the faces of a team who is now unsure of themselves. He looks at me as I try to say, _time for another speech_.

"These two are right. The New Directions' performance was stellar. But our two groups are very unique. I know last year Vocal Adrenaline crushed us with their moves, but this year is different. They didn't try to poison us for one. So let's get in there and congratulate Kurt's friends for putting together an awesome number."

As Kurt opens the backstage door, he runs straight to Mercedes and Quinn. The rest of us shake hands with the others. I find Finn looking at Rachel as I pat his shoulder and extend my congratulations. Their director Mr. Schuester comes up to me and says, "May the best group win."

* * *

><p>"WARBLERS at REGIONALS! YEAH!" Thad shouts. The energy backstage cascades from the New Directions jumping around to the Warblers hugging it out. A tie. That's the best resolution for us, for Kurt. I find myself in the middle of a celebration. Kurt finds me and I offer a hug, "We made it."<p>

"Yeah, we did." He says, his bright blue eyes looking right at me again. We don't move. "About that night, the one after our auditions..."

"Guys! We made it, we're going to Regionals!" Andrew cuts me pulling Kurt away as the boys file out jumping around and running to the lobby to meet their families. He looks stunned and worried. Later, I'll find time for that later.

Mercedes takes my hand as we move out, "Congratulations!" she lets go as the New Directions find their supporters in the crowd.

"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine!" Eva shouts as she runs to me again.

"Told you, If you weren't here we probably wouldn't have won." I say as I kneel to hug her. She chuckles sweetly. "Where's mom?"

"There," she points out to the crowd. I find my mother talking to a pair of parents, one of them holding a Dalton blazer. I wonder who they are, I've never seen them before.

"Hi mom!" I say. She puts an arm around my shoulders resting the other on my arm and leading me forward, "You were amazing, honey." I smile. "This is my son, Blaine. Honey, this is Burt and Carole Hummel."

_Hummel, Kurt's parents._

I extend a handshake to Mr. Hummel, "So you're Blaine? Kurt's told us a lot about you."

_He has?_

"You know their son, dear?" my mother asks.

"Yes ma'am, you remember Kurt? You met him the last time you came to visit..." I say as I see Kurt and Finn walk closer to their parents.

"Please tell me you haven't told him anything embarrassing, Dad. I just went to say goodbye to Rachel... Please don't tell me Mrs. Anderson knows where my birthmark is now" Kurt says, a tone of mock exasperation in his voice.

"I haven't, I promise - you beat me to it." Mr. Hummel responds, pulling his son into a quick, one armed hug.

"Kurtsie!" Eva exclaims.

"Oh my goodness, who is this lady? Have you grown since we last met? You have, right? I love the outfit. You mesmerize me, Eva." Kurt says playfully as he lifts her up.

"So what are your plans, kids?" Mrs. Hummel asks.

"Well the New Directions are going to Breadstix, Mr. Schuester's treat." Finn answers.

"And the Warblers will be having a party on campus later to celebrate." Kurt adds. Eva patting his hair, amazed that it doesn't come undone.

"We could grab a bite before you fly back, Mom." I offer.

"No, we're fine, you guys enjoy your party - I'll see you in a few weeks." she kisses me and rubs her lipstick off my cheek. Kurt puts Eva down.

"All right, you kids have fun, but not too much fun. Finn - home by midnight, Kurt call me when you're on campus." Mr. Hummel says, the two boys nodding in unison.

"Olivia, we could take you to the airport, if you'd like." Mrs. Hummel offers.

"Oh that would be lovely. Blaine dear, take care of yourself always. Eva it's time to go now, say goodbye." My mother says.

Eva looks up, asking me to carry her again. "I wish you were back home with us." She whispers.

"I'll be home soon, we'll have Christmas, I promise." I say.

"But you weren't home last year, what if you change your mind?"

"I won't, baby girl."

"Okay." she agrees, but I can see the fear and rebellion in her eyes, she wants to tell me to come home, but I just...

"Okay, take care of mommy and tell Dad, hi." I say before putting her down, tears already forming in her little eyes.

Kurt takes his blazer from his mom and gives her a kiss. Our parents walk to the exit door, the lobby is almost empty. Kurt and I are left in silence.

"The boys must be waiting for us, c'mon Kurt." I take him by the shoulders, he tenses up.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. A text.

_You sound flawless, you didn't tell me you sang. - Jeremiah_

* * *

><p>The west gardens had been transformed into a discotheque, the boys set up a party tent where loud music is blasting, Andrew dj-ing club hits, everyone dancing. Alchohol is never allowed on campus but somehow the boys manage to spike the soda, no one will admit to it tomorrow. I take one sip and taste the spirits they mixed together, this night will not end well if I drink too much, but I still do. I move out to the dance floor and let loose. The bass pumps through my ears and my stomach, I feel lightheaded and free as sweat starts to unravel my curls. Wes comes up to me - also dancing, "You alright? I haven't seen you like this!" he shouts at my ear so I could hear him through the music. "I'm great, I'm fucking awesome, we fucking won!" he looks at me stunned, and laughs.<p>

In the blink of an eye, the dance floor becomes packed, everyone brushing against each other, the music getting louder and louder and the air thicker. I try to stop but everything is spinning. I feel knots in my stomach and my dry mouth suddenly filling with saliva, I know what's coming next.

I push everyone out of the way and manage to run outside the tent. I find a patch of soil and lean forward. The heat rising from my back, cold night air suddenly on my skin, I feel it rise as I let go, holding on a tree for support as the mix of alcohol, water and our dinner are now on the well kept grass.

I breathe deeply, wipe my mouth with my tank top and slump onto the next tree trying to keep my head up. The fresh air helps, but I could really use some...

"Here." _That voice. That sweet sweet voice._

"Kurt?" I ask, my throat hoarse and painful.

"Yeah, now drink this, it's just water." He hands me a glass.

"Thanks. " I say as the water soothes me.

He sits beside me and takes off his jacket to cover me up.

_Where did my overshirt go?_

"We can sit here 'til you feel better, or we could try to get you to your room so you can sleep it off. Your choice." He says as he sits across me.

"Why are you here?" I ask groggily. _I could use my state of tipsiness as an excuse for being straight forward, but I really want to know._

"You looked like you could use the help." He answers.

"Fuck." Is all I manage to say. "Sorry, I... I want to tell you something...because you.."

"You can tell me in the morning Blaine."

"No, I'm a hypocrite. I told you to have courage, but I'm the one who's still terrified, who's still broken."

"You're not."

"Let me finish. I killed someone Kurt, for being myself."

"What? That's it, c'mon you need to get to bed."

"No!" I shout. Kurt looks terrified but he lifts me up and puts his arm on his shoulder. He doesn't need to drag me. By the time we get to the dorms, I'm on my own feet and I take off his jacket. We walk up the stairs silently. I still feel a little dizzy.

As I turn my doorknob, I look back at Kurt.

"Stay with me, listen. I want you to listen. Please..."

"I will." He says as we enter my room. I flick my light switch, nothing. We look around, no power. I sigh. The moonlight illuminates my room, shades of grey, blue and dark shadows. I open my balcony door to let the night air in. Kurt looks on, and steps outside.

I take Justin's journal out from my desk drawer and put on a new shirt. Kurt is now sitting on my balcony floor. I hand him a soda can and take my place right next to him.

"What's that?" he asks.

"A journal, a timeline... Memories." I answer.

"I came out to my parents when I was 14, barely 15. I did because I was at a party with my friends and one of them kissed me, Justin, we had just started dating, and he did it on impulse. Everyone saw, and everyone in that party had parents who knew my parents. I had to tell them before anyone else beat me to it.

Eva didn't understand why our Dad did not take me to the park with them the next morning, I had to tell her I just wasn't feeling well. Since then, we haven't been on good terms."

"By the time school began, everyone knew. The hallways were no longer the same for me. But no one threatened me when Seth was around. He was my best friend. We literally grew up together cause he lived next to us. He's part of the cool kids clique and they couldn't do anything about him hanging out with me. So we remained close. But whenever he wasn't around, I... was kinda like you. Thrown into lockers, pushed to the ground. I never told Seth or Justin that I was treated that way, I feared a worse beating if I told. Anyone who saw managed to turn a blind eye. So the months went on."

Kurt was listening intently, his soda left untouched.

"One day after drama class, I was fixing my things when, Sid, my Karofsky, banged my head into the lockers, Seth saw. He was so mad, he was able to stop him and he asked me to fight back. To have...**courage**. But I didn't. I went home with a sore back to a mother who was nurturing but also too busy helping my sister and a father who no longer cared."

I hand Kurt the journal, their loose pages almost flying out. He takes it but doesn't open it. Still looking right at me, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

"The bullying got so bad, one night Seth and Justin found me pinned to the wall by the same guy. Seth's girlfriend managed to take a photo of it before they pulled him off of me. The next day we were all called to Principal's office, my mother, Seth's father and Justin's brother were all in the room, Sid was expelled. Seth's father is a lawyer like my dad and they give out the most donations to the school every year. Sid was kicked out quite easily because of the photo, the bruises still on my body and our connections."

"I thought we were safe. I never felt more at ease than the weeks that followed. All that went away after I saw a note on my locker, a warning, asking me to not show my face at the Sadie Hawkin's dance or the one who wrote it will end me. I was terrified. But I thought, courage, Seth always said, have courage. I didn't tell anybody about it. And Justin and I went. We had just about enough of the dancing when he asked me to follow him, he took me to the rooftop of our building. The city lights were beautiful. He was beautiful." I say, tears starting to form in my eyes."

"Next thing I know a group of seniors held my arms and I saw Justin bleeding on the floor. They started to beat me up, the last thing I hear is Seth's voice. Sid had an older brother who was part of a gang."

Kurt moves closer to me, taking my hand.

"I was unconscious for days, but I remember hearing Seth's voice. Still telling me to fight. I wake up to discover Seth tried to lead the police to the gang's alleyway, their usual hangout. They don't find them but the gang was aware of what Seth tried to do. On his way to the hospital one night, they beat him up..."

I stop. Sobs come out of me as Kurt holds me closer.

"He bled internally - too much and too fast... Then... He was gone. He had to pay the price for me. I was too weak to go to the funeral, but somehow my mother and I still got to. I saw his velvet black casket lowered, his girlfriend crying. I tried to talk to his parents, tell them how sorry I was. But my mother and I had to fly out here. We stayed at a local hospital until I got better. When all that's left of me was stitches and a cast arm, I enrolled at Dalton."

"And Justin?"

"That's his journal, he flew out the moment his parents found out about Seth's passing... They thought it best that we do not communicate since the assailants were still at large. He left that for me."

I sob louder, shoulders heaving. I feel like lying down as all of my weight falls to Kurt. I can't breathe, I want to stand up but I can't.

"It's alright Blaine." Kurt lifts me up and leads me to my bed. I try to sit up but I feel so weak. He takes some water and asks me to drink. I struggle to take it down and speak again.

"I'm sorry, when you came, I thought I saw myself in you, and I could redeem myself. So I told you to fight for yourself because Seth always said that. Look at you now, forced to go up against your friends, you miss them a lot, I can tell."

"I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because for once in my life someone was with me to confront him. I wasn't scared because of you. Never say you're sorry for giving someone strength." Kurt says, his eyes watering as well.

Tears dampen my sheets as Kurt sits on the floor. I don't know how long it was before I drifted to sleep. But I remember Kurt holding my hand in the dark.

The morning after I find him asleep on the second bed In my room. The power is back on. I take my blanket to cover him up. Pieces of Justin's journal are scattered on the floor. Kurt read them all. I step on the letter he sent a few weeks back. I pick it up and try to read it once more.

"Forgive, Blaine." Kurt says as he stirs.

"Why? It won't erase any of it." I answer without second thought. He gets out of bed an kneels in front of me.

"Because he is going through the same thing you are. You're both blaming yourselves for something you had no control over. It's not easy Blaine, but forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because we only have one life and Seth gave up his own fighting for you. And I know Seth wouldn't want you to stay this way. Also, you helped me, more than anyone. Because you were there for me, Seth would've been proud."

I wrap my arms around him. Tears messing up his shirt again.

"You can get through this Blaine. Forgive and heal from what happened. Pull from the strength Seth gave you, from these beautiful memories Justin left you. I'll be here I too, to remind you that none of it was your fault."

I feel numb and hollow. All of a sudden, it was a secret no more, Kurt knew what happened. He listened. He wanted to stay in the room with me, but I knew the guys were still raving about our win, I didn't want him to miss it.

_Forgive?_

_How?_

I sit on my floor after a cold shower, hoodie and sweatpants on, and stare at the pages on the floor. I check the binding of Justin's journal, to see if I could repair it. I place the sheets into one pile, arranging the pages by memory, some dated, some not. I take out some string and start to punch holes into the pages with a needle.

By the time I'm done the journal looks a little like what it was. I placed Justin's letter on the front page, kept it on my nightstand, with intentions of reading it later tonight. I head downstairs for dinner, the Warblers are by the fountains.

"There's the party animal!" Andrew teases. "You look like shit!" They all laugh. I run towards him ready to tackle, though he's much taller. He runs away and we chase each other around the fountains until he trips and falls into the water. I stop and start to run away, but Andrew splashes around getting everybody else wet. It turns into an all out splash war.

We all stop, wide eyed, when Andrew splashes Mr. Cobalt, a horrific Calculus professor, right on the face. "I realize the Warblers has given so much pride to this institution. But if you do not act accordingly, I will inform the headmaster of your drunken festivities last night. The others seem to disregard your misdemeanors, I may not be as lenient."

We all stand up and walk out of there with out heads down, Wes apologizes, we go running up the dorms when he's out of our sight.

Kurt and I are the only Warblers in our hall, his laugh fills the air. "Oh I hope he doesn't give me a hard time on Monday." he says still laughing. "Hey, we're all hanging out in here later, be there?" he asks.

"Sure, let me just dry off." I respond.

"Great!" He hurries to get into his room.

"Kurt," he turns around.

_I want to say thank you for being there, thank you for listening, thank you for being you because I never thought I'd tell anybody about it. I always thought I was alone. And I thank the stars you walked into these halls to spy on us._

"I..uh..nothing..just..few minutes.. I'll be there in a few minutes."

* * *

><p><em>Kurt: Blaine SOS<em>

_Blaine: Where are you?_

_Kurt: Common room..._

"Hey, got your text what's wrong?" I ask worriedly, trying to hide the fact that I rushed to get over here.

"It's Pavarotti. I think he's sick. I've been taking care of him but he won't sing and he's losing his feathers." Kurt sighs.

"Oh, he's just molting. He's growing a new coat of feathers so his body has to shut down for a while. But don't worry about it, he's got food, water, he seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while, he'll be singing in no time." I say confidently.

"In no time?"

"Yeah, he just needs to replace those old worn out feathers, for the better."

He manages to smile.

"Don't forget, Warbler practice tonight at 5. Regionals here we come!"

I run back to our rehearsal room. I left Justin's journal wide open on a page I've started scribbling on. I reposition my hands lightly on the piano and resume the chord progression I figured out before Kurt's text.

_**I've been alone,**_

_**Surrounded by darkness,**_

_**I've seen how heartless**_

_**The world can be.**_

_**I've been crying.**..._

_no..that doesn't sound right._

_**I've felt like it's hopeless...**_

_**You always do your best**_

_**To make me see...**_

_no..that isn't right either..._

The scratching sound of my pencil fills the room, as I wait for the Warblers to start coming in for rehearsal.

tbc

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I hope you guys like this Chapter, it's the longest I've written in my life and I feel quite happy about it. I tried to set up a lot of things in this one, a lot of bits to look forward to, because updates for this fic will not be out for a few months. I will be sort of going back to school this February all through June, so I may post a new chapter in between that or after. Back to the fic, in the next chapters we'll all go through Blaine's relationship with his father and where he's been all this time, Eva's play, Christmas with the Andersons, some Jeremiah, more of Justin's journal, Blaine will also go home for New Year's and hear some good news, an old friend will help him deal with his losses and, where is Justin anyway?**_

_**So yeah, I hope you guys stay for that. I know this is so behind the glee timeline, but I never actually thought I would get past 3 chapters, and here we are! I want to thank again each and every one of you who read, review, and fave my stories. It gives me great joy! Til then, you guys can find me on tumblr: .com. :D Songs used in this chapter: This Isn't Everything You Are by Snow Patrol, Not Alone by Darren Criss. I know a lot of people think that using Darren's songs in a Klaine fic is weird but I really couln't find one that fit the context of Blaine's situation here, Not Alone fit perfectly imo. :D **_


	12. Wishes

It may have been the Warblers forcing me into decorating our rehearsal room with them yesterday, or that my audition for the Christmas Spectacular went quite well last weekend. But I've been less somber lately.

_Dad, I just want to say..._

_delete_

_Dad, how are you? I _

_delete_

_Dad_

_delete_

I just don't know how to thank my father, a part of me doesn't want to bother even though he's trying, and yet I don't know how to talk to him anymore.

"Hey there, I have a thing about phones, when you're with me, you don't use 'em." Jeremiah says coyly as he takes the seat across mine. Those eyes, familiar, hypnotizing, _his_. "Blaine, I was joking."

"Huh? Oh...sorry..um..how was your shift." my voice shakes. "My shift, the same everyday, people come in, I pretend to be interested in them, tell them I think the shirt looks quite good on them, their boyfriend will like that color as a gift and thank them for paying for my rent." he replies sarcastically. I have no idea how to respond to it so I take a sip of my coffee avoiding his gaze. "Sorry, my life in the store is so mundane. I'd rather we talk about you and that voice of yours. Dalton is very lucky to have you."

"You seem to know a lot about show choirs, do you sing?" I ask. "I know a lot about the Warblers simply because I used to go to Dalton. My parents cut off my tuition after some ...incidents." he replied slowly. "But my brother goes there, he's a freshman and really wants to join the you guys." "He should! Auditions for freshmen are happening soon I think." I say enthusiastically.

Silence fills the space between us and I start fidgeting in my seat, I drink more of my coffee while he licks the cream from his straw and takes a long sip of his frappe. I look around to find an old man from across this little coffee shop looking at us. No, not looking, _judging_. I manage to cover the side of my face he can see with my hand and continue to look down. Jeremiah starts to move, before I could react his hand was on mine, moving it away from my forehead. "Don't. Nobody's opinion of this, of you, will change if you hide away, so don't." I gaze up and there they are again, emeralds on his face, _his _eyes, telling me everything's alright.

Dalton is filled with this infectious energy, joyful and well Christmas-y. Red and gold ornaments frame the fireplaces, a 10 foot Red Pine stands by the staircase and potted poinsettias are scattered around the campus. The Warblers have one performance left before the holiday break and most of the professors have been very lenient the past few days. With one class left for today, I take my seat next to David, who I find busy folding pieces of art paper, looking slightly frustrated. "You okay there _Sir_?" I ask lightly shoving his shoulder. "This is hell, get some paper and help me fold these." he commands. "Uhh, what exactly are you doing?" I ask. "Paper cranes, Wes and I started last night, they're for Tara. He wants to give her a thousand of these for their anniversary. A thousand? Of all the people I could room with it had to be the romantic dude with these elaborate gifts!" he mutters flicking the finished crane into a brown paper bag. "Why a thousand? Slow down and show me," I say trying to understand what he's doing. Our professor doesn't show up for class and we manage to fold a few more before rehearsals. I find the folding quite entertaining. I've never done anything like it before, "Does this look right? What else could you make with these?" I ask, showing him my work, "That's good. Hey, yours looks better than mine, drat. Wes and I found this book in the library, it's quite entertaining. If only we weren't pressed on time, we could do all the pieces." David says.

We arrive at our rehearsal space to see most of the Warblers scattered around, a bit less rowdy than usual. Nick trying to teach Jeff to fold properly on the floor. By the couch is Andrew cutting boxes of art paper with some freshmen seated together, folding like a production line. And Trent, who looks up as we walk in, sorting the paper cranes by color and size on the tables. "Where is Wesley? I cannot be stressing on paper cranes right now, I should not be stressing on anything! Did they have to be different sizes?" he exclaims removing his blazer. "Do you want to fold? 'Cause this is way too complicated for my patience!" Jeff huffs. "You're rushing it, origami is an artform Jeff," Nick responds holding up a crane proudly and Jeff slumps and slides down the couch. I sit next to them and continue folding.

"Hey guys, David, how many did you finish?" Wes enters, almost bumping into David, carrying two full paper bags of yellow paper cranes. "I haven't counted, good thing Blaine was there, how many more do you need?" David answers, dumping the cranes we managed to fold onto the unsorted pile in front of Thad. "About 800 more, I should've thought of this earlier, it's only three days away. I got the members of the fencing team folding too, I hope we finish before Friday." Wes sighs. "We need to rehearse. Thanks for this guys, I really owe you all one, but let's leave this here and warm up. Notable alumni will be present at the Yuletide Dinner and we need to be perfect. The cranes can wait."

"Wait, where's Kurt?" I ask Jeff as we stand up. "He has to study, Mr. Connor gave him some extra coursework for missing the start of term, by extra I mean a shitload, we're helping him tonight after rehearsal." Nick replies. I take out my phone, and start typing while we take our places by the piano.

_A unibrow doesn't look good on you, stop reading so hard before that becomes permanent. :D Can I come over too? I know Connor likes long essays and I'm a bit of a History junkie. :P_

_:D You are hilarious! Of course you can. Now stop texting before Wes gives you the eye! :D See you. :D_

I almost giggle at Kurt's reply and true enough Wes was giving me the signal to put my phone away and focus on our harmonies.

Trent and I were given solos this time, we had to stay for a few more notes while the others left for dinner, to study with Kurt and to continue folding cranes with David. "Don't forget this part Trent, the phrasing, then we're changing the tempo. That's when you come in Blaine, just for this verse, then all together." Wes instructs. We run through the solos a few more times before Wes rushes off to his room where David and their fencing buddies are pulling an all-nighter for the paper crane project.

"You going over to Kurt's?" Trent asks as we head to the coffee machine by the dining hall. "Yup, how about you? Nick and Jeff are there, latte?" I say. "No thanks, but I have a feeling you're still going to buy two and I can help you bring them up." I punch in the numbers for four cups. I look to my side and find Trent smiling wildly, leaning his head against the wall. "Are you sure?" I ask him again and he just nods still looking a bit excited about something. "Your smile is infectious, you know that? It's like all the Christmas spirit from these decorations are right there on your face." He grabs the first two cups and says, "Kurt is really amazing right? I mean, all he's been through, now he's here, with us, with _you_." "Yeah definitely, I mean he's strong, kind and _really _talented." I say taking the last cup from the machine.

"Do you think Kurt's ever had a boyfriend?" Trent breaks the silence as we go up the staircase. "Uh, he hasn't told me anything specific, but I bet Nick and Jeff can answer that for you, I know one thing but I don't think it's my place to say." I say, I had no idea Trent felt that way. "I can try to ask him for you, is that why you've been jittery just now and you don't want to join us? Trent! Is that why?" I tease and his expression changes, as if I said something silly. "Sometimes Blaine Anderson, I want to slap you, but right now the coffee is holding me back." "What?" I ask, confused. "Nevermind." he sighs as we reach Kurt's door. I knock.

Kurt answers, rubbing his eyes,"Ooh, coffee, yes..perfect..I mean..Hi!" "Hey!" I manage to say. Trent sighs loudly and hands me the coffee cups for Nick and Jeff, "Sorry I can't stay Kurt, I have to walk away from Blaine here, the urge to hit him with a book is slowly rising. On second thought, hit him with a book for me, he needs to open his eyes a tad bit wider. I'm off to Wes'. Have a... productive night." Kurt's eyes widen as Trent walks down the hallway with the gait of a supermodel. "He's been acting weird tonight. So, how's the studying going?" I say as Kurt leads me into his room where I find Nick and Jeff on the floor, asleep. "Help me get these blankets over those two" he says.

We manage to go over most of Kurt's extra course work including 3 of 5 essays before we see the sky turning a playful pink-orange shade. He shifts from his desk chair and stretches, "I have never pulled an allnighter for coursework, for my Annual Musical Film Adaptation Marathon maybe, but never for school." I get off the floor as well, "Breakfast?" I ask. "Sure, let me just..." Kurt slumps down to his bed and falls asleep, I move his bed covers right up to his chin and he lets out a little snore.

I walk out to his balcony, the cold air piercing my face. I've never seen the grounds this early during this season. Everything seems so pure, so soft to touch. Slowly specks of ice start falling from the morning sky and without even thinking about it, I open my mouth to feel the little crisp cuts of snow on my tongue.

"_What are you doing?" I ask Seth as I close my mouth after catching a snowflake. "Snow angels, make one!" he giggles. I join him, moving my arms and feet to carve out an angel onto the pile of snow in our backyard. "Wait how do we get up without messing them?" "I don't know, Mooooooooom, moooooooooom!" Seth screams. His mother rushes out, "What, what is it? Are you okay, are you hurt?" Seth laughs, "No, we're fine, but could you help us up please, we don't want to mess the angels we made." "Don't ever do that again, it scared me," she says as she hoists him up by the arms, carries him out of the mold he made and does the same for me. "Thank you Ma'am" I say. "Woooo! Angels!" _

_My dad walks out with a tray of hot chocolate and cookies. "Dad! You're home!" I shout and run to him. He puts the tray down and opens his arms. "Hey there squirt, been having fun?" he asks as I lay my head on his shoulder. His arms envelope me, warm and secure. I snuggle into this red knitted scarf my mother made him He's wearing his favorite grey work coat. "I got you something, it's a gift." I jump from his embrace and run into the house, "What is it? Where is it? Is it a dog, a airplane, a race car?" I stood in the middle of our living room to find a huge black shiny thing. Seth and his mom walk in with their hot chocolates. My mother emerges from the kitchen and carries me, "It's an airplane honey, and that is what we call an upright piano." "It's pretty. What does it do?" I ask. My father reaches for me and sits me on his lap. I watch his hands move through the black and white keys, and for the first time, I hear this melancholy sound, a song I never quite learned the title of, but to this day I remember.._

I wander around the corridors, mini boombox in hand, hoping to bump into Trent, or Wes or any of the Warblers. The Yuletide dinner has most of the students scrambling to get things ready. I never signed up for any service committees and the organizers for the Christmas Spectacular have been calling almost daily. My duet partner for the show has been there rehearsing on her own and I have to be performance ready by the time I meet her. I send Trent another message, we could practice for the dinner and maybe my duet after his class or wherever he is at the moment.

I walk into our rehearsal space to find Kurt concentrating on his book, brows downcast again. It's starting to snow outside, Trent still hasn't replied to any of my messages. Maybe Kurt could use a little break. I wonder how we sound together? I sneak further into the room, he barely even notices. I drop the player with a bang, making him jump.

"Hey," I say with a grin. He looks up, looking a little tired but still smiling, "You scared me." "Good, 'Cause I'm actually Marley's Ghost and I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard." I try to whisper playfully taking the seat across him. "What's with the boombox?" he asks. " I need you to sing with me, well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing 'Baby It's Cold Outside' in the King's Island Christmas Spectacular." "Ahh, a personal favorite. Too bad they'd never let us sing it together. I mean.. as.. two... artists." he replies. "So, you gonna help me out here?" I ask. "Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne." "Very good then." I say as I close the book in front of him on my way to the boombox.

The music fills the room with a merry air, I spin around and motion Kurt to sing. He gets out of his chair and walks around the room playfully,I follow him, frolicking. His voice is soothing, perfect. I wish he was the one I'd be singing this with, it would make it much easier to get through that day. Though my father would probably disapprove.

We cover most of the rehearsal room, spinning, chasing, joking around until the song ends. I unexpectedly let out a little laugh . "I think you're ready," he says. I sigh, stand up, and let the truth roll out of my mouth, "Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's gonna be." I take the boombox and leave, rushing past the New Directions' adviser who was walking into the space.

I take one deep breath. It _would _be better if Kurt was there, or Wes or David, anyone. I wish they could be there.

From the corner of my eye I see Trent, Nick and Jeff running away from the double doors. Jeff almost tripping on his own feet. _Where are they going?_

_tbc_

_**A/N: Can I just say how good it feels to be back to working on this? I seriously missed it. If you're reading this, I am more grateful than I have ever been that you are still here despite my hiatus. I will be updating this regularly, at most once every 2 weeks. I can say that there will be a few more chapters left to it and I hope you stay with me 'til the end. **_


	13. You

_Bzzz bzzzz_

_Coffee tonight? Same place? My shift ends at 5_

_Sorry, I have rehearsal, rain check?_

_What time does rehearsal end?_

_Depends. Why?_

_Was counting on seeing you today... :)_

I throw my phone lightly onto the bed unable to figure out how to reply. I lay back and suddenly my hands feel tingly and my stomach feels hollow. I can't help but smile as I feel blood rush to my head like a jolt of energy.

_"Please tell me you're not doing anything after class?" Justin peeps through my locker door. "No why?" I ask. "Nothing." he replies with a little shrug, "Just wondering if you could help me with some homework or we could hang if you wanted - but only if you want to." "You're weird. Sure, I'll ask Dad to drop me off at yours after dinner. See you!" I say rushing to my next class leaving him in the hallway._

"Blaine? Blaine, are you there?" knocked David. "Yeah man," I say pushing myself off the bed. I open the door to find him in complete winter uniform. "Hey what's up?"

"Kurt and Trent need us, Wes left to get Tara."

"Oh, that's today?"

"Yup! c'mon, get your blazer and let's go." he demanded. "You okay?" I ask, grabbing my coat and scarf from behind my bedroom door. "Just wishing they didn't plan the whole thing in the snow."

There are a few students outside as we carefully trudge through the thin ice that covered the pavements. We pass by the Archery range, targets almost unrecognizable. The statues lightly covered in white and the trees all lifeless and bare. We push forward - headed towards the Aviary. "This is creepy." David adds, his voice lightly echoing, as none of the usual residents of the wrought iron cages are around. A rustle from behind stops us. I turn around I see a shadow coming at us at an increasing pace "Out of my way, coming through!" Trent screams running into both David and I. "Hey!" David shouts back Trent stops "Oh gosh! Sorry David. C'mon guys, we're nowhere close to finished! Blaine where have you been?" he asks mischievously and starts running farther into the woods.

Trent leads us to a part of the aviary I've never been before. An octagonal structure shined of metal and stained glass stood before us. It's surrounded with broken pots and what seemed to be wilted flowers. The tint of each glass pane shone brightly against the sea of white. Streams of light penetrate to the trees that surround the old greenhouse as the silhouettes of our friends moving about became clear to me.

I step in to find Warblers on the floor tying paper cranes onto clear nylon string. Nick, Jeff and Thad standing on chairs hanging ribbons. Andrew is busy lifting pots and tools to one corner, whistling as he clears the space effortlessly. "Hey there stranger." a very familiar voice calls from above, Kurt. "Hey partner, need a hand?" I ask. "Just a little, could you hand that basket over there so we can start hanging the cranes?" he requests. I hand him one crane at a time as he ties them onto branches and trusses around the greenhouse moving the ladder every few feet and making sure it stays in place when he climbs. "Thanks for yesterday." I say "What?" he asks from atop the ladder "I said thanks for yesterday!" I shout making my response echo and our friends stop.

We manage to hang most of the cranes, Trent and Kurt instruct us to move out. I stand by the door to watch the two lay more cranes on the ground, slowly filling the space we occupied. The greenhouse now looks so cheerful and colorful. A hint of bohemian chicness like Kurt's bedroom - a warm sanctuary at the center of the ice. They clear a sort of pathwalk and close the greenhouse door. "I say we did a good job." Trent announces, tucking his hands into his coat. "You did a wonderful job." I say, making Kurt turn to my direction, his cheeks are extra rosy today.

After dinner Kurt, Trent, Andrew, David and I sit by the staircase, waiting for Wes to come through the threshold. Its only two hours before curfew and most of the students are in their rooms as always. I find myself enjoying their company, I feel excited for Wes, I've never known anyone with a love for grand gestures. We're all pretty interested to know how it turned out.

"Do you think the headmaster sleeps in pyjamas, or a night gown?" Trent asks, as the headmaster exits from the hallway and heads out to the faculty dormitories after his rounds. The man has a Wolverine look going on, his hair springing off to the sides, a permanent scowl and a few grey hairs on his face. I didn't expect him to be accommodating when I first stepped into his office. But he's been really kind, greeting me by the hallways whenever we cross. "Imagine if he wore a onesie?" Kurt adds. "With ducks on it." David joins in, enthusiastically. "Wow, you're excited. Did baby David have a duckie onesie? Did you?"Andrew teases. "I bet you did. Baby David wearing a blue onesie with yellow duckies on them!" I add. "Oh ha ha..you guys are hilarious."David replies sarcastically. "I bet there's a photo somewhere." Andrew says. David falls silent, the four look at each other, I don't absorb their looks fast enough. Andrew stands and runs upstairs, Trent follows laughing, David almost trips on the steps trying to stop the two. Kurt stands up, ready to run, but I stay seated. "Not going?" He asks. "It'll be all over the network tomorrow, I'm sure." He looks up, deciding whether to follow the three or to stay. He stays.

"What are your plans for the holidays?" I ask Kurt as he leans on the wall and I stretch my legs across the steps below, head resting on a baluster. "It's our first Christmas as the Hudson-Hummels. So it's home and food, probably some decorating, a party with the New Directions and more food. You?"

"There's my sister's play, the Christmas spectacular and I don't know."

"You don't know? How can you not know?" He asks, concerned.

"I haven't been home for Christmas since I came out." I answer. We both stay silent for a moment.

"What was it like before?" He finally asks. I look into his bright eyes, shining like icicles, calming and caring.

"We would watch the tree lighting ceremonies at Rockerfeller Plaza. My Dad would drive us and we would sing in the car. When we get home he'd make his special hot cocoa with marshmallows, mint, cinnamon and cherries and something else he never told anyone. That was the best part, 'cause it tastes like... like... nothing else. Christmas morning he'd be downstairs by our makeshift tree, Eva is allergic to pine so we make this tree out of different photos from the year that passed. He would take out a camera and watch us open presents. We would visit my grandparents' home where my uncles and aunts would be waiting for him and me to sing a song on grandfather's concert piano." I stop before my voice breaks.

" Your family is very musical." He says. "One in every generation has this strong inclination to it. My grandfather, the only one in 4 siblings. My father in 3, but he chose to go for a law degree and among 9 cousins, little 'ol me."

"I have a feeling Eva will be changing that soon." He adds, making me smile. "I bet you're right, they've been counting on the wrong Anderson." I say. Another long pause hangs in the air as we watch snow lightly fall into the night.

"I think that's what he hates the most about who I am. He expected us to be so alike, he saw what everyone saw in me, a mini him. And I ruined that."

"He'll get there... I know he will. He's your father, he has to." Kurts adds, sitting closer to me now. I sit in silence holding on to what Kurt said like it could really happen one day.

"Hug?" Kurt asks. "W-what?" I stutter. "Hug in a cup?" he answers. "What's that?" I ask. "Nick made it up. It's Dalton hot cocoa with something special." He replies. "A secret ingredient?" I smile. "Exactly."

We sneak into the kitchen, I sit on top of a counter and watch Kurt move gracefully around the stove.

The mall is slowly filling with shoppers this early Saturday morning. I bury my hands in my pockets and sit across from the GAP store, waiting for Jeremiah for coffee before he starts his shift. I see him from afar joking around one of the cashiers. He's laughing loudly as he brushes the cheek of the red haired boy behind the counter. I stand abruptly, feeling like I witnessed a moment I shouldn't have. I walk away unsure of how I feel or what I just saw.

A few steps away he calls out to me, "Blaine? Hey! Where are you headed? I thought I recognized those curls." He runs his hand through a loose curl on my forehead, brushing it up. And there it goes again, this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I look up, he's smiling. It reminds me of a very familiar smile. "J-jj-justi-just looking for an ATM." I stutter. "For coffee? Don't worry about it, I got you covered." He takes one of my hands from my pocket and leads me to the same quaint coffee shop we went last time.

We walk in, the first customers for the day. He asks me to take a seat as he orders. I find a sofa by the back end of the shop, no one would give us looks there. I untangle my scarf and wait for him with our drinks. This place is nothing like The Lima Bean. It has black painted walls, with dark wood linings and red carpeted floors. The whole shop is accessorized with books on shelves, some old and tattered. It's a more intimate setting as opposed to the clear ceiling high windows and chattering students found at the Lima Bean.

Jeremiah walks toward me with a full tray on his hands. "I thought we should have breakfast too, hope you like croissants." He sits beside me. "Well, this is comfy and discreet." "I thought you could use the quiet." I say, instead of revealing that I didn't want to have to see people glaring at us. "Are you going home for the holidays?" I ask. "No, just staying here, as always. I haven't been home in 2 years, not starting this year." I panic at the thought that we have that in common so I look down and start to open the plastic container, it cracks as I pop the edges. "Why are you always like that?" He asks leaning on the backrest and placing his arm behind me like he's done it before. "Like what?" I ask nervously. "When you find out something about me, like that I hate my job and my family, you look down. No follow up as to why. You always look like you're sorry. It's not offensive to know things about someone if that's it. I don't ask you out to hang so we could just stare at each other." He answers confidently. "That's not it. I just feel like..." I stop mid-sentence, why isn't this easy, shouldn't it be easy? Every time I stare into his eyes I get tongue tied. I lose all my words and I feel like I can't do this. "Never mind." I say. "Why don't you want to go home?" I ask leaning back onto his arm. "My father doesn't approve of my sexuality. So I told him to fuck off. I filled my backpack with essentials and escaped from Dalton. Took a few months before they found out." He says, eyes on mine.

"Y-you just left?"

"Yeah, he's never gonna change, I didn't want to be a part of a family where I wasn't accepted." He shrugs. "And you're doing well for yourself? Everything's a-okay with you?" I ask rolling my eyes, somewhat unbelieving of his nonchalance. I may not be in good terms with my father, but I would never up and leave them.

"Yeah, everything's fine. They don't have any idea where I am, I get to visit my brother because they never have time to."

My head drops again, he notices and lightly lifts my chin. "Let me tell you this Blaine: The time will come when you'll accept that there are people in your life that just won't bend to understand you. And all that's left is to take them out of your life completely so it won't hurt anymore." His words pierce my heart like a spear. Could that be my future? "What about your brother? Or your mom, wouldn't she want to see you?" "I didn't know you were really into family and all that. My brother needs me, he needs someone who will clear up all the bullshit my dad's feeding him. I'll call him soon. I do visit my mother, Westerville City Cemeteries, almost twice a week." He takes his arm from my back and starts to eat his croissant. "I'm sorry." I say.

I stop asking questions and we spend the rest of the morning talking about music. The differences in our tastes make us clash into these little debates. He hates musicals, I'm not really enthusiastic about metal. Though he's convinced he can convert me. "My shift starts in a few minutes. Guess I won't see you til after your break." He sighs. "Yeah." I say. He faces me again, brushing up another curl that's out of place. "Next time I pick where we seat. This is nice, but you need to stop caring of what others think of you. I'll help you there." "Okay." I say, defeated. It's not just stares, it's what might come after if we offend people, I don't want another Seth, not Jeremiah too.

He stands up adjusts his coat, looks my way and says, "Happy Holidays, Blaine. Hurry back."

"Happy holidays." I say as I watch him walk away.

I decide to go around the mall before heading back to Dalton for rehearsal. I try to look for some gifts for Eva and mom, maybe dad too. And something to wear for the performance at King's Island.

"Sorry I'm late, did a little last minute shopping. Long lines." I say as I enter our rehearsal space.

"It's alright, finally we're complete. Before we start, let's talk about our costumes. Warbler Trent has suggested we wear green and red scarves during. Any other suggestions, and No Jeff we will not be wearing Santa hats." Wes leads. I take a seat next to Kurt, who smiles brightly. "What do you think about white gloves with the red or green scarf?" He asks. "Go for it." I say encouragingly. His hand shoots up and he bounces with excitement when the rest of the guys agree to his suggestion.

"Alright, now that that's discussed, everybody take their places, hopefully we get it right before dinner." Says Wes, pounding his gavel and smiling. We're performing a mashup of All I Want for Christmas and Jingle Bell rock. We go through the harmonies easy enough. But our dance routine this time involves a lot of turning and changing places. We have the center of the ballroom to ourselves, meaning an audience on all sides for the first time. Everyone is focused and enjoying the uniqueness of the performance. We run through it perfectly thrice and the council decides to end the rehearsal for the day.

"Good work everybody. Now please go to your respective dorms and take your showers. See you all at the staircase in 15 minutes; wear something to keep you warm. I've prepared something special." Wes announces. Everyone leaves excitedly.

Kurt and I walk towards our hallway. "Wonder what it is?"

"My guess is a party, only a few more days 'til break."

"You're right. It probably is!" He says excitedly.

"You're planning your outfit in your head aren't you? I can see it in your eyes." I say stepping in front of him and closing the space between us. He looks shocked by my movements and stays still. I have no idea why I did it. I only meant to tease him but now we're just standing here, my face inches away from his in complete silence. He's glowing from the sweat of rehearsals, still a light blush of pink on his cheeks and his eyes on mine. It feels like I've been holding my breath for ages when I move back a few steps.

"Sorry."

"Uhm-yeah." He whispers. I turn my heels and start walking to my room, head down. My bedroom door clicks behind me and I feel silly. _What just happened?_

I step out the same time as Kurt and he smiles. We're good, no awkwardness, thank God. "You look nice." He says. "Compared to you, I feel under-dressed." I joke. He's wearing embellished combat boots, metallic black skinny jeans. His grey pea coat covers a black vest and a silver polo shirt accessorized with a yellow bow-tie. "Love the bowtie." I say. "Thanks. Yellow would look good on you too y'know" He says as wears his circle scarf while we walk down the staircase.

Most of the Warblers are huddled around the lobby, we join them and I lose Kurt to Nick and Jeff. Wes appears from behind me, "You're gonna love this." He whispers. "Alright, Warblers, all freshmen and new members please step to one side, the rest stand here behind Blaine and I." Kurt looks at me, asking what's about to happen. I smile coyly and wink at him. "Tonight we'd like to share another tradition with you guys. Other groups wonder how we do it. How do we work so well together? How are the Warblers more than just a group? You may have noticed we sort of love each other; we care for each other well beyond the rehearsal room and this school. Every year we have a Trust Walk: An exercise where you, the new members, are blindfolded. Each new member will be partnered with one from this end, and we will work through a little adventure in the snow together. At one point, we will switch blindfolds and it will be your turn to assist your senior. First team to find the finish line gets a prize. How you'll find the finish line, is up the two of you working together." David explains. "Now if you could please pass on the blindfolds Thad is handing out and we can start."

Kurt ties his blindfold carefully, the rest of the new members too. Wes holds out a hat, we each take out the names of our partner and wait for further instructions. I open the folded paper in my hand. Lance, one of the freshmen.

"Who did you get?" Trent asks popping out of nowhere. "Lance. You?" "Oh..uhm..Kurt? Can we trade?" "No, that's perfect Trent! You and Kurt… Aloooone." I tease. Nick and Jeff give me a judging look. Weird.

"Are you sure, Trent? This could be a wonderful opportunity for you."

"Yes, Blaine, hand it over." He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Alright."

Last year we had the Trust Walk a few days after I joined them, Wes pulled out my name and we managed to get through a maze the council built within west gardens in first place. It's definitely the reason why I'm a bit closer to him than the others. We spent hours talking that day about the most random things and distracting the other members with our voices.

David hands us instructions as to where each pair starts and flashlights. The finish line, the Aviary.

"No one is allowed to touch their partner to guide them after you proceed to your specific starting points. Freshmen, all you have to do is follow the voice of your partners throughout. Seniors text me when you arrive at your points. You'll start together. See you at the end. Goodluck!" Wes instructs.

Kurt and I are assigned to start in one of the chemistry labs. I take out my phone to text Wes we're ready.

"Ew… It smells like bleach, you're not drugging me are you?" He asks.

"So much for trust…"

"Blaine?"

"Not allowed to talk yet."

"You answered."

I laugh. I get the go signal text a few minutes later and stand in front of Kurt. "I know you have an idea where we are, but it isn't that easy. I know where the finish line is but I can't tell you." I lead him out of the lab and into the hallway, we're at the east wing, at least a few meters away from the main staircase, the only exit. "I have to spin you now."

"What? Why?" He asks worriedly.

"The exercise is 'trust', Kurt, 'why' isn't really a sign of trust." I say playfully. He sighs. "I don't like this, I trust you plenty."

"You say that now, wait til we switch. I bet you'll love it then." I spin him around 3 times. He wobbles a bit and I wait for some of the dizziness to settle.

I lead Kurt successfully out of the building, carefully down the slippery steps and out to the snow. Most of the upperclassmen are also outside. The goal now is to get them as far away from the aviary as possible and to give out clues in the process so that they know where to take us when we're blindfolded.

"Still there?" Kurt asks, standing confidently with his arms on his waist.

"Do you trust me?" I ask.

"Yes."

I lead Kurt to the opposite direction, away from everybody else. We trudge the snow covered gravel driveway towards the gates.

"This is awfully easy, I expected crawling and jumping and stuff." He says taking one step at a time.

"And ruin your outfit? You'd kill me. Okay, take a few more steps to your right a little."

We stop just a few inches from the Dalton Academy main gate. I took us here because somehow I know Kurt feels trapped in here, caged. He doesn't get to wear all his amazing outfits, because of the uniform. He doesn't get much spotlight, because of the council. And he doesn't get to see his family and friends often. But through all that he has managed to blend in, to power through, to survive. I'm hoping he gets the idea.

"We're here. Before I take off your blindfold, I need to tell you something. This is all about you. You can get us to the finish line because you're you."

I untie his blindfold carefully. He rubs his eyes and sees the wrought iron grilles. The street lights lining the distance. He stares at them, then looks to me, a little teary eyed. I hand him the blindfold and turn. He ties it around my eyes comfortably.

He spins me around as well and stands beside me as opposed to what I did. He instructs to just walk, we take a 2 turns, I assume we're headed towards the gardens.

We walk together, Kurt making sure I don't trip on anything. He makes the occasional joke of leaving me behind or not speaking when I ask if he's still there. "You're cruel. Also, no pressure but I won last year. If we get there last, you're to blame."

"What kind of clue is YOU'RE YOU?" He says sarcastically. "We're almost near the pavement now, in about 3 steps, the level will change."

"You seem to know where we're headed." I answer and he giggles telling me to just walk ahead.

"I've been writing, " I start to say. It may have been the blindfold, or that we haven't talked in a while, but I just knew Kurt would listen and that I wanted him to know everything. "in Justin's journal, I've been writing songs and letters."

"That's good. Now make a left after about 10 steps.."

"Mostly about how sorry I am. How I wish I could go back and maybe tell him it's okay not to go to that dance. How I wish I could hold him again. And how much I wish Seth didn't die. He didn't have to. I miss them both so much. I want to know what life is like for him now, where he goes to school, what his friends are like. But I don't know where to start. What if he doesn't want to see me?"

Kurt speaks only to tell me to walk slower as I fight the cold tears from my strained eyes. But I can't stop talking.

"I want to reach out to my dad but I have no idea how. I want to tell him to **accept me or lose me**. Maybe I want to leave this place and him **forever**. Because maybe that's **easier**...

I want to say I'm sorry for being such a disappointment, for letting him down. I keep on writing this speech, this long speech about how hurt I was when he changed, when we changed. Why did being my father end when I told them I was gay?

I want him to know how I have no idea where home is right now and I want so much to be in New York than Westerville. I want to sleep in my bedroom and have my mom's cooking for breakfast. I want to see my sister every day. Watch her grow and change. Influence her tastes in music and books. But home is where you're loved and wanted, and there's just no place for me in his life, he won't bend. How busy could he have been to not be there at my bedside after the attack? I want to say how much I want my Christmas to be like it was before, for Eva's sake and that most of all I hate myself for changing, for being..."

I stop walking. I can't sense Kurt anywhere. The cold is gone, so is the slush beneath my feet. Are we indoors?

"Kurt?" I ask, my voice cracking. "Kurt!" I ask panicking. "I'm here." I hear his voice from behind me. Before I could turn around, I feel his arms envelope me from behind.

Then more arms holding me tightly. "We're your home Blaine." I recognize David's muffled voice. Someone removes the blindfold off and my tears start to fall. Somehow I don't care that they know, that they

heard. "Don't you ever think that you're unwanted okay? Because the Warblers wouldn't be the same without you. I wouldn't be the same." Wes says, this is the first time I've seen tears in his eyes. "Yeah

man, I know we haven't been close but you know if you left we'd be heartbroken right?" David adds.

"I'm sorry, I was starting to tear up and I didn't want you to stop because you need to talk about these things. And you're perfect, your dad has no idea how amazing you are. I wouldn't be alive right now if-if it weren't for you." Kurt breaks down behind me. I turn around to face him, "It's alright." I hold him tightly, "Thanks, stop crying," I wipe his tears with my scarf, "We should stop crying. And hey you got my clue right." I sob into his shoulder some more. Wes and David try to gain some composure, I feel their hands on my shoulder and behind me, soothing me.

Andrew walks in with one of the freshmen. "Aww..we're second. I had to cluck like a chicken before he got it right. Hey what happened?" He asks worriedly. "Just having a moment." Wes says. "You okay bud? You can come over to mine's for Christmas. Y'know my mom thinks you're adorable." He says taking me under his arm. "Only because you're all 6 feet tall in your family." I say wiping the tears from my eyes. Wes hands me a few tissues from a table.

I smile, and they all gather around me arms wide open. I feel like somehow a heavy shadow lurking over me had been removed. I take deep breaths still trying to stop the tears from falling, but they still do. Only then, beyond my stinging eyes and fogged vision, do I notice where we are. The greenhouse, still decorated with the cranes and ribbons from Tara's surprise, now covered with pillows and a circular low table can be found at the center.

Kurt and I take our seat on some floor pillows next to Andrew and his partner, Max. Our eyes look puffy, I feel drained and sleepy. The warmth inside the greenhouse is comforting as I lay my head on Kurt's shoulder and drift to sleep.

I snap up when I hear party poppers sound off. I lift myself from Kurt's legs wondering how I got there. "How long was I out? Sorry, your legs must be numb." I say. My head is throbbing as I attempt to sit up.

"Don't worry about it. Probably an hour, but the last pair just got in, Trent and Lance. I think it's dinner time." He says.

"Thank you. I feel like I owe you more than _thankyous_."

"You owe me nothing." He cuts in. "Dinner maybe, we won gift certificates to Breadstixx." He says flashing an envelope, grinning widely.

"Done." I say smiling. My chest feels lighter.

Everyone gathers around dinner packs on their laps or on the floor, as the new members share their experiences for the night. Mostly the seniors imitated birds, the caretaker's voice or Wes and Tara. Trent apparently sang Jailhouse rock in the cold, his partner got it right but they got lost in the dark after their flashlight burned out.

Kurt went last, saying how I led him to the gates. At first he thought the finish line was outside. But he saw that it was locked. The city lights shone far from where we stood and it made him think of home. He mentions how he thought I knew him too well to know that he felt trapped in here. And he does sometimes, but the Warblers are the best birds in this cage and he couldn't be happier.

We all share a group hug, more stories and of course some songs. Some of the members are knocked out by the end of it. After Thad leads the others back to our building, Kurt, David, Wes and I try to wake up Nick, Jeff, Trent and Andrew.

"We could just sleep here too." I suggest crawling near Trent who managed to lie on most of the floor pillows.

"I'm okay with that." Wes says. "Me too," David seconds. "Me three." Kurt hits the light and plops beside me.

The moonlight shone through the glass walls and I found myself unable to shut my eyes. Today was a weird day. I didn't expect that by the end of it I would feel this peaceful.

"Blaine, when are you flying home?" I hear Kurt whisper.

"Right after the ball. You?"

"The day after."

"You're not really running away if you and your dad fallout right? What about Eva, your mom?"

"I don't know."

I take my laptop from the table and place it in it's case before I stuff it into my backpack. I've spend the whole afternoon packing and wrapping gifts. I don't even notice how silent my room has been until the end of it. Like my thoughts are too loud yet I don't want to tone them down. After getting dressed for the ball, I take a seat by my desk and start scribbling on Justin's journal.

_December 20th _

_I'm flying home tonight. I get to see my sister sleep in her bed and wake up to breakfast with her. I could take her ice skating. I get to watch her play tomorrow night. We'll fly back for the Christmas Spectacular, her first Christmas away from home. I get to give her my gift personally and not have t hear her voice thru the phone. I get to hug my mother Christmas morning, and maybe see my aunts and uncles before the New Year. And I'll finally get to visit Seth's grave._

Trent peaks through my open bedroom door, the sun is finally setting wile I readjust my tie. "We're on in 30, meet you in the lobby." he says and knocks on Kurt's door to say the same. I place the red scarf over my shoulders, gloves in my back pocket and flip the journal shut.

**I don't want a lot for Christmas**

**There's just one thing I need**

**I don't care about the presents**

**Underneath the Christmas tree**

**I just want you for my own**

**More than you could ever know**

**Make my wish come true...**

**All I want for Christmas**

**Is you...**

**What a bright time**

**It's the right time**

**To rock the night away**

**Jingle bell, time**

**Is a swell time**

**To go glidin' in a**

**one horse sleigh**

**I don't want a lot for christmas**

**There is just one thing I need**

**I don't care about the presents**

**Underneath the Christmas tree**

**I don't need to hang my stockings**

**There upon the fireplace**

**Santa Clause won't make me happy**

**With a toy on christmas day**

**I just want you for my own**

**More than you could ever know**

**Make my wish come true**

**All I want for Christmas is you...**

**What a bright time**

**It's the right time**

**To rock the night away**

**Jingle bell, time**

**Is a swell time**

**To go glidin' in a**

**one horse sleigh**

**All the lights are shining**

**So brightly everywhere**

**And the sound of childrens**

**Laughter fills the air**

**And everyone is singing**

**I hear those sleigh bells ringing**

**Santa won't you bring me the one I really need**

**Won't you please bring my baby to me...**

Professors, benefactors and alumni give us a standing ovation. We take our bows and leave the ballroom. Gatherings like the Yuletide Ball are usually more formal, uptight and well...boring. The Warblers decide to grab some dinner off campus. I excuse myself, "I have to get ready for the airport." I whisper to Wes. "Really? No time for dinner? Airport food sucks." he says concerned.

"I'm good." I say. He gives me a one-arm hug and takes me to the side away from the group.

"Have a good holiday okay. We'll be right here when you get back, meaning come back. That running away bit, try not to do it. I don't know how that popped into your head but it's not something you would and should do. Call me if things go wrong."

He gives me a tight bear-hug. The rest notice and the _awws _echo through the ballroom lobby. It becomes a full group hug, and I hear some say _we'll miss you, we love you_. I give them all my thanks and head for our building.

I take a short hot shower and get into my jeans and hoodie. I close my dark brown suitcase, the same one I brought here almost 2 years ago. With everything ready, I rip off one page from the journal, cut off its rough edges and start writing down a little note Kurt.

_I found these and thought of you. I kept on thinking why, and the_

_ best that I can come up with is that things have changed for me since_

_ you came into my life. And this is corny but, the sole purpose of a_

_ key is to open a lock right?_

_ I hope you have a Happy Christmas!_

_ -Blaine_

I take out the origami book I borrowed from the library and start to fold my note into a locked letter. With that I place my tickets in the journal, stuff it in my backpack and zip it up. I take my suitcase to the hallway, double check if all my windows are locked, grab my coat and scarf and I hit the lights. I kneel down to place Kurt's gift in front of his door when I stand up to find him walking towards me.

"So much for secret Santa." He muses.

"I suck. You were supposed to be surprised." I say.

"I am actually, I thought you left. I had to run back here to...give me a second..."

He takes the little box and my note from the floor and rushes to his room. He comes out and hands me a gift bag, stapled shut. I shake it, curious what's inside, it doesn't make a sound.

"Just a little something I thought you could use to brighten up your day. I found it this morning when I went shopping with Mercedes, it wasn't wrapped and I figured I could just send it to you and you'll be surprised..but you're here so I..." He says.

I don't let him finish, instead I wrap my arms around him, he squirms to wrap his arms free to hug me back. I could feel his breath on my shoulder when I whisper, "See you..when I get back."

"I'll be right here. Merry Christmas! "

We let go.

I detour to Wes and David's room to leave a box filled with red and blue cuff-links, I hope the guys like them.

Kurt's words echo in my ears until I reach the gates. I hand the driver my suitcase and turn around to take one look at the glistening lights that fill the courtyard. Truth is I still have no idea if I will go back or not, whatever happens in the next few weeks decides that. All I know is this place means more to me so much now than it has since I arrived. It used to be my hiding place from our attackers, the institution where my father won't have to deal with me and the place where I'm expected to mend myself.

Now it seems more like my only hope for any sense of family, any feeling of belongingness and maybe, my home.

The moment the plane takes off and the seat belt sign stops flashing, I fall asleep. Only a few hours later do I open my eyes after a stewardess tapped my shoulder to notify me that we're almost landing. I slide up the window by my side and the view of the skyscrapers' lights sparkling in the night fill me with excitement. I strap on my seat belt and rustle through my hair.

I rush out towards the exit as I grab my suitcase from the baggage claim area. I skim through the group of people waiting for their loved ones to exit too. I don't find my mother or Eva anywhere. I take out my phone dialing frantically, worried they might have forgotten. It rings twice when I see a familiar shade of grey on the shoulders of a man pushing through the crowd, trying to get to where I am. His face is one that I thought I've forgotten, but I could never. Because that face is only one that tells me, this is how you're gonna look like when you're older. That face is my face, only a little stern, less youthful and instead of full jet black curls, his hair is tinted with silver streaks. I drop my call. He stands in front of me and I am unable to move. Unable to reconcile why he's here.

He extends his hand and takes my suitcase.

"D-d-dad?"

TBC.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I am always, always, eternally grateful for everyone who's been following this story. It truly humbles me to know that you guys are interested in Blaine's past the way I imagined. It makes me want to finish each chapter and make every new one better than the last. Again, thank you! 3 if you guys are ever on Tumblr, i'm onceuponastaircase<strong>_

_**-flutterfield**_


	14. I'm Only Sleeping

He doesn't look any different, maybe a little exhausted, irritated, just as I remember. He doesn't even shake my hand, pat my back or whatever. After taking my suitcase he turns around expecting me to follow, to keep up. We walk to the parking lot in silence. He actually drove the family car to pick me up. The same 1963 Ford Cortina Lotus we were working on before the attack.

He gestures for my backpack and I slide onto the passenger seat as I hear him open the rear compartment. I put on my seatbelt and recognize the scent of the car, cinnamon, his favorite. My stomach starts knotting up,_ this doesn't feel right._

My heart races as I hear him walking to the driver's side. I take one deep breath and cross my arms to my chest, afraid I may throw them around him. I keep my eyes front, trying my best to not burst out and cry, _I'm not ready for this._

"So how's school?" He asks. His voice, this resonating sound that reminds me of the melancholy hum of a cello. It makes me jump in my seat and fight a sob that's been bubbling since we left the airport.

"F-f-fine..I-i guess." I try to think of the letters I wrote, the speeches for him, to give me the strength to not show any sign of weakness around him.

We don't speak after that. The city lights pass through the windows as we move, flashing, I steal a glance to see his expression. He seems...angry, his eyebrows furrowed.

I recognize the final turn to our street and suddenly all the air in me is sucked out, I could feel my pulse speeding up as we pass by the door, Seth's door. The moment my father cuts the engine I step

out. I take in a lot of air and hold myself trying to catch my breath. I don't even notice him get out of the car or move to get my bags. But I do notice that only the red door of Seth's home is lit, and a yellow glow from the room above it shined through the curtains, Seth's room. I could hear his voice, _"Hey Blaine, welcome home!"_ And I feel a lot better.

"They're here! They're here! Mommy!" I hear Eva's voice from behind our door. It opens wide and I see my sister running out, in her night gown wearing glistening red shoes. I lift her up, she starts showering kisses on my face. My mother rushes to cover her up with her coat.

"Hi mom,"

"Hello honey, how was your flight?" She asks running her hands through my curls. I tell her I slept through most of it. Behind her I see my dad taking my bags inside. We follow in and Eva starts dragging me to the reading room.

"We had dress rehearsals today. Trace, he plays Lion, fell because his tail was too long. Then Maggie, you'll see her she's the scarecrow.."

I try to keep up with my sister's chattering, behind her I see my mother kiss my father's cheek and caress his jaw. His shoulders drop, and he leaves her to go upstairs.

"..I helped, and I was covered in paint, it ruined my uniform."

"But you had fun right?" I ask my sister who is now jumping up and down the couch.

"Ohyeaahhh! Mom wasn't happy though."

"You had paint on your hair and mouth, I was worried she swallowed paint." My mother lifts Eva and sits the both of them on the couch.

"Are you hungry honey?" She asks.

"Poptarts! I can make him poptarts!" Eva declares running to the kitchen.

"She discovered how the toaster works this week. Are you okay? You look pale?" She asks

looking at me the same way she always has when I looked even just a little bit sad. I'm never leaving her.

"I'm good. Just a bit tired I guess." She takes me in her arms, holding my head to her shoulders and

cradling my arms. "You're here. I can't believe it. My Blaine is here. You're home...". _Home_.

I hear a noise from the second floor, a door slamming. My father emerges from the staircase, in a rush. "They called. They need me." He says to my mother. He gives me a look that I can't explain, like he couldn't comprehend what he was looking at. I close my eyes, but I can still feel him staring.

"Hurry back." She says. "Hey, where did Daddy go?" Eva walks in, holding a pink plate of poptarts. "Why does he always leave at night?" She sulks leaving the plate on the center table.

_What? He's always gone at night?_

"It's work honey, come here, your eyes look tired and you have a big day tomorrow. You said you would go to sleep after you see Blaine, he's here. It's time for bed."

"I'm not tired. Blaine, I'm not tired." She says yawning.

"How bout I tuck you in?" I stand up and offer my hand.

"I guess.." She takes it and I grab a poptart before guiding her up the stairs.

We walk into her room, it hasn't changed much, pink walls, a mural of the Eiffel tower by her headboard and off white furniture. She walks over to a bookshelf that wasn't there when I left.

"You want a story before bed?" I ask.

She nods excitedly. "Which one?"

"That one!" She screams, pointing to a thick velvet book. I take it out of the shelf, my complete collection of _Narnia_. Immediately she's on her bed and under the covers, patting the space she left next to her.

The moment I sit next to her, she wraps her arms on my left bicep. "Finally, I get to know what happens."

"Why baby girl? Didn't Dad tuck you in last night?" I ask flipping the bookmarked page open, they got halfway through the first book in the series.

"No," she puckers "he hasn't read to me in a long time. Mommy isn't that good with voices and I didn't want to read that on my own.". The sadness in her voice fills me with so much regret.

_She's too young to know how it feels to be let down, especially by my father._

"Well then, I promise before school starts we'll finish this book cause I'll be here every night to tuck you in."

I finish reading a few pages before Eva drifts to sleep. I kiss her head and pull the covers to her neck.

As I step out to the hallway I see my bedroom door ajar. I reach for the doorknob to see my mother arranging the bed, _my bed_. She fluffs the last pillow as I come in.

Everything is just as I left it. My bed still positioned in the same corner, a Buzz Lightyear lamp by my

bedside and an arrangement of glo in the dark stars still above it. The navy blue walls have never faded and my posters haven't been taken down from their frames. My guitar still stood in the corner, its strings probably fragile now, it seems smaller than I remember. The overhead shelves where all my favorite books are have been kept dust free, though I know some pages might have turned yellow.

What catches my attention is the upright piano by my doorway. It's now placed where a small sofa used to be.

"It's in the basement." She says.

"What?"

"The little lounge area you boys had here, the whole set, it's tucked away, wrapped. We had to move the piano here." she adds carefully.

"Doesn't Eva play? She started before we left."

"No," I hear the disappointment in her voice. "Your father had to stop teaching here for..."

"For?" I say, almost angrily.

"For us." she answers firmly.

"She deserves more time."

She shifts from across the space to cup my face, "I know, but he'll make it up to her, to you, somehow. I love you. He loves you and Eva."

"Goodnight mom. Love you too."

She kisses my cheek and walks away. I don't bother to open my suitcase, instead I try to find something to sleep in from my old clothes and hit the lights. My bed feels smaller, though I know I barely grew last year, I conclude the beds at Dalton are just a little bit bigger. I try to count all the glo in the dark stars on my ceiling when the yellow light from Seth's window shines through mine.

The first time we tried the _pulley _was when Seth got grounded for lying about his grades. It was also the same week I bought a Batman action figure. He wasn't allowed to come over and hang out, so we took my old rollerblades and split the pair. We wore each boot and looped some rope by its wheels. All we had to do was sit by our windows and strap that action figure onto the rope so Seth could check it out without having to leave his room. Dad found out about it, and instead of confiscating the blades, he attached an actual pulley wheel underneath my window. The rope would be hooked on Seth's end and we could send each other whatever we wanted. It became useful when we had to copy some homework from each other or that time he had very risqué magazines he couldn't hide in his room.

I didn't even think it would still be attached and working. I open my window to find a basket with a note inside of it. I take it, hands shaking. Though I know it could never be from him, it still reminded me of how we were. I look up to see his window is closed, the curtains drawn and the light gone.

My hands fumble through the tape and I struggle to adjust my eyes in the dark. I move towards my night light to read the note written in handwriting I do not recognize.

_**Welcome back Blaine, let's visit him when you get back. Break a leg.**_

I sit on my bed, slightly frustrated. Thinking who it could have been from. Seth has a younger brother, but he's younger than Eva and could not have understood what happened. Seth's parents have always been nice. Even after the funeral, they came up to my wheelchair as if it wasn't my doing that put their son in the ground, as if my loss was greater than theirs. But they would never do this.

" _Blaine, can you come over today?!" Seth shouts from across my window. I groggily take my comforter, wrap it over my head and sit by the window. "Can't. I dink I'm thik. Mom is making be chikun thoop."_

_"Too bad, we have a new friend. Well he's mom's friend's son, but y'know he seems cool." He disappears from my sight but I hear him walk back. "Hey come here I want you to meet my best friend."_

_"You have first edition...! Hi! I'm Justin Mason..we just moved here and..whoah you look sick!"_

_"Thorry, plu."_

_"Blaine, I told you to stay in bed." _

_"Hey Mrs. A, just saying hi to Blaine, we have a new friend, Justin."_

_"Nice to meet you boys, but Blaine needs to rest now."_

_"Can we come over?"_

_"Sorry dear, but you might catch what he has and he really needs to rest."_

_"Oh okay. Don't worry Blaine, Justin ain't moving anywhere and when you feel better we could go to the park."_

"Justin?" I snap awake to see my sister standing by the edge of my bed.

"Mommy says you need to wake up and eat lunch so we can get ready for the play." She says sheepishly. I reach for my phone, I've slept through the morning.

"You okay baby girl?"

"Yah..yes." She runs out.

I step into our dining room and take my seat, rubbing the sleep off my eyes. "We're leaving for King's Island after the show." My mom announces, handing me a plate of vegetables and mashed potatoes.

"Do you have everything you need? Clothes to wear?" She asks. "Yes ma'am." I answer, slightly overwhelmed by the scent of her cooking.

"Will we spend Christmas there?" Eva looks up. "No love, we'll be back the day before. Just in time for Christmas Eve at Grandpa's."

A piece of broccoli hits my throat the wrong way, I choke and struggle to swallow. I manage to get it down with some of the mashed potato. Eva looks at me as if asking if I'm okay. I smile and she laughs.

My mom hands me a glass of water. "We're having Christmas at gramps'? Why?" I ask worriedly.

"Yes, they knew that you were coming home. They insisted. He insisted." She takes

my face and continues. "I know you haven't seen them since, but they want to see you. You're his grandson after all. But if you don't want to go, if you're not ready, we can stay here. I can prepare a small Christmas eve dinner, just us."

I haven't noticed the lines on my mother's face. Her forehead and the corners of her eyes show signs of her age. They've become a little more prominent. Her eyes, just like mine, look weary, tired and sad. But she still seems soft and kind as she manages to form a smile on her lips.

"It's alright. I'd love to see Mac, Sophia and the others." She let's go and her eyes smile for a moment.

My cousins, Mac and Sopia, twins, they're a year older. After the incident they tried to communicate with me, but my aunt stopped them. We managed to exchange a few emails, until it became too much for them to sneak around to talk to their only gay cousin.

The front door slams and I hear my dad muttering. Eva runs from her seat to greet him. He walks in, Eva in his arms. "Shouldn't you feel like you're too old to be carried around?" He muses. "Never." Eva giggles.

My mother stands up to take her, "It's time for us to get ready. Blaine honey, we leave in 30 minutes."

I nod. My father takes the seat next to me. I rush to finish my food. When I do, I look up to find him staring at me intently, his face expressionless. I try to open my mouth to ask why, but he abruptly looks down at his empty plate.

* * *

><p>The curtains open to reveal the most adorable backdrop. Parents and family members watch excitedly, some with video cameras in their hands.<p>

Eva walks out wearing her white and blue dress and red shoes. She starts to sing, she's captivating, her voice is powerful and her control is amazing for her age. I watch my parents look on proudly, my father has a huge smile on his face and my mother's mouthing lyrics, they're holding hands. It's really comforting to see him here for Eva, to know that they're doing this right. And for a moment I tried to pretend that none of the things that happened was my reality. That we're here as a family.

One of the children, the Tinman, reminded me so much of Seth, the way he moves, the way he fidgets. I look around and two rows forward confirm my suspicions, Seth's parents are here too and Mark is the splitting image of his brother.

The play ends and I stand up to give my sister a wave, she waves back throws me a kiss. We move from our seats to meet Eva backstage. Seth's parents spot us and my mother meets them halfway to give Mrs. Fletcher a hug.I see Mr. Fletcher move towards my direction and my dad steps in front of me to offer him a handshake. He throws me a concerned look as my father whispers something in his ear.

_Did he actually just stop Seth's dad from speaking with me?! Why is he doing this?_

I could feel the heat of anger rush to my head.

_**Bzzz. Bzzz**_

_KURT: How did Eva's play go? Tell her I said 'break a leg'. And you too Mr. King's island. :D_

I turn around to exit the auditorium and dial Kurt's number.

"Hey there."

_"Hello, so how's the play?"_

"Just finished, she was amazing as expected."

_"And you're okay, it's your big performance in two days..."_

"I wouldn't classify King's Island as a big performance but thanks, I'm good."

_"How's your dad?"_

"He's..an asshole.."

_"Well that's a first. Blaine Anderson uses that kind of language."_

"Sorry, he just.."

_"I was kidding. Whatever he did, don't let it ruin your night okay. I bet Eva's really excited to see you there."_

"Yeah, yeah you're right. I..I have to go.."

_"Okay, give her my love."_

"Will do, thanks Kurt."

I leave the school to rush to a nearby flower shop. I make it before the store closes to buy her a cute bouquet of pink roses.

By the time I get back they're by the school steps, and Seth's family is nowhere near them. Our mother is chatting with one of the teachers so I sneak behind Eva.

"Congrats superstar!" I kneel to give her the bouquet.

"Flowers! You shouldn't have." she gushes, throwing her arms around me.

"Oh really, look at you all proper and lady-like. You were amazing."

"Thank you Blainey." She hugs me again as I lift her.

"Kurt says hello and congratulations!"

Our car pulls up, my father alights to open the door for us.

"Mommy, Blaine got me flowers! And Kurt said congratulations!" Eva says enthusiastically as my mother makes sure her seatbelt is fastened.

"That's nice. How is Kurt honey?" My mother asks.

"He's great, back in Lima with his family." I say smiling.

"Who's Kurt, Eva?" My father asks from the passenger seat.

"Blaine's friend, Daddy. He has pretty eyes. We met him at Blaine's school, he sings too and he has a pet bird."

"Oh.." He answers. I smile at my little sister and look out the window. It's starting to snow.

* * *

><p>"And now, please put your hands together for Blaine and Lisa."<p>

The routine we worked out, or rather my partner's mother commandeered, had me chasing my partner, Lisa, around the stage. It was in my opinion, highly cheesy. I had suggested to play it down. A sofa in the middle of the stage and warm lighting just like the Dalton rehearsal room. But Lisa apparently gets what she wants and my ideas were scrapped out immediately. This fiasco involved an elaborate setup to make us look like a young Mr. Claus trying to get the future Mrs. Claus to stay in my workshop, where there are elves working on toys made for giants. I went along with it anyway, just to get Lisa's mother to stop fussing about my facial expressions. I give the performance my all thinking kids would probably love the over the top display.

I see Eva from the stage, enjoying herself, and my mother smiling and holding the video camera, where my dad should be. It takes a while to register and I almost miss my cue.

The duet is over and we hold hands to bow. Lisa throws me a look. "Merry Christmas!" I say. She doesn't return the greeting.

I take off my costume and head out to the park to catch up with Eva and mom. I quit combing through the crowds and decide to wait for them on a bench by the park entrance.

_It's over, finally._

_KURT: Video?!_

_-Over my dead body._

_KURT: I'll ask your mom._

_-Dammit!_

_KURT: All moms love me, it's gonna be so easy Mr. Anderson._

_-How can you be so sure all moms love you? She won't give in that easily._

_KURT: I'll say it's for junior warbler practice, we need to see all senior_

_members performances._

_KURT: I think it's the dead mother thing that makes them like me in some way... :)_

_- :( sorry._

_KURT: don't be, still want to see that tape. :)_

_-Fine.. :)_

_KURT: yay!_

_-Do you think your dad would like me? I mean we've met but you sort of hung out with my mom so.._

_KURT: I think he would, why?_

_-'Cause y'know, my dad isn't much of a dad and your dad seems pretty awesome..._

_KURT: still not budging?_

_-Didn't I tell you, he bailed. We were at the airport, he had a boarding pass, someone called from_

_work and he left._

_KURT: Harsh...what did your mom say?_

_-That's what I don't get, it's all fine for her…she doesn't mind at all! It's infuriating._

_KURT: Wow, that's weird. And you're still spending Christmas eve at your grandparent's?_

_-yeah, we're meeting him there._

_KURT: You nervous?_

_-Very, I never got to speak to any of them personally about my sexuality and the incident._

_KURT: It'll be fine, your mom wouldn't take you to a warzone..._

_-let's hope_..

* * *

><p>Late that night we board onto a private charter my grandfather owns, it feels weird to be aware of his extravagance. Eva falls asleep after a full day of treats and rides and running around. I try to finish a bowl of fruit when my mother sits across me, "Are you feeling okay, honey?" She asks.<p>

"I don't know. What's happening with dad? Why is he always leaving? Where does he go?"

"I..."

"For work? Why do I find that hard to believe?" I say, Eva stirs in her seat. "Sorry, it's just, you said, come home for Christmas, he's trying to make it up to me with King's Island. But he wasn't even there. I just want to understand."

"I don't like keeping things from you, but this time I have to, alright? Just trust me when I say things are the way they are for a very important reason." My mother says gravely. With that I take a bite of a piece of watermelon and end my questioning.

My grandfather's Southampton estate is unnecessarily vast. I enjoyed it here as a child, just in awe of all the running space, now I just feel out of place. The main mansion in itself has 10 bedrooms, with their own baths. It houses a library, a gym, a parlor, professional kitchen staff, a wine cellar, and a music hall. The whole estate includes 2 smaller villas, a greenhouse, the lake house and grandfather's garage.

My father used to say that wealth has been in this family for generations, but when he and his siblings finished college, their father required them to look for their own place and pay their own way because Grandfather didn't want them to think they had it easy because they had the money.

Driving past the gates was a different sensation. The last time I did they had no idea, not a clue, that I was gay.

_Will they be like my father? Are Mac and Sophia here already? _

My mother notices my discomfort and takes my hand. Our car slowly turns into the main mansion's drop off and I see a familiar cane and the old man attached to it, looking regal and...happy?

"Poppa!" Eva cheers gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Arthur, so nice to see you. You look well." My mother says. "Ah, the year has been good to me dear. I had to make sure I'd be strong enough for this." I take a step and offer my hand, "Hello, grandfather."

He looks at my hand confusingly, not taking it. "Grandfather?! Come here boy! I want a proper greeting, none of that grandfather business!" He throws his arms around me, enveloping me into a tight

hug. "So glad you could be here with me Blaine. I don't see why he didn't send you here to begin with, stupid, stupid that son of mine. Ohio! There are many boarding schools around here." I just stand there, surprised by everything he just said. "Let me look at you, my goodness, we look more alike, well when I was your age. But do the not feed you there boy? I mean you look a little small. Come along, I had Marie make some pies for your arrival. The music hall is set, I hope you do delight us with that voice of yours."

I chuckle, his arm still around me. "I could try, but Eva is the new star, sir."

"Is she really? Well, a duet then." He smiles.

Then a rumble from the halls starts to echo. Bounding from the corner, I see my cousins, in matching sweaters, darting towards me. I move away from my grandfather quickly and run as fast as I can.

"Woah, he's gotten fast."

"Not fast enough!"

I make a wrong turn into a narrow corridor, one of the service passages to the main dining hall, it's darker with the curtains loose. I hear nothing. I feel lightheaded suddenly, then terrified then I find myself being pinned to the floor. "Stop squirming Blaine! It's just us." One of the twins draws a curtain back to let some light in. "You look pale."

"Hi Sophia! Oh you're Mac..sorry...still can't tell you guys apart." I tease.

They've haven't changed much either. Mac has filled out now, looking like he hits the gym regularly, but still has that carefully coiffed bouffant on his head. He would actually fit into Dalton quite well, in fact he really has a 'Wes'-like aura to him. Maybe that's why Wes and I get along.

Sophia, even when we were children she had this beauty that sort of made you take a second look. When we were younger, she had her hair cut just like her brother, and we couldn't tell them apart. There was an androgynous vibe to her back then. But now, her hair waved down to her shoulders and she her lips were glistening.

"Bullshiiit. The joke's old and you know it." Mac shouts above me.

"I would appreciate if you stop crushing my ribs now."

"Only if you stop using that joke."

"Never." I laugh.

"C'mon Mac, let him go. Hi Blaine."

"Holy shit! Where's Sophia and what have you done with her?" Mac lifts himself and helps me up as well.

"No dirt on your face, your hair is combed through, is that lip gloss?" I say pointing at her face to taunt her.

"Shut it!" she smacks my hand.

"You make a fine lady Mac." I say trying to put my arm around his shoulder, tip toeing.

"What did I say about that joke Blaine." he pretend punches my gut and we start to move.

"So when did you guys fly in?"

"Day after school ended, been boring actually." Sophia adds.

Apparently Grandfather has been quite excited, there's a chance everyone in the family will be here by tomorrow night for Christmas Eve, he's been using all his means to get everyone together. We walk around the mansion, catching up on almost 2 years of separation. Sophia has been going to Saint Cecilia, that all girls boarding school on the Upper East side, she has her eyes on Yale for college. Mac wants to try to study overseas, but their mother still needs convincing. They don't ask about the incident or my sexuality, I attempt to bring it up but I backpedal.

"You're bunking with me tonight man, no buts." Mac smacks my shoulder as one of the house help staff informs us lunch is served, and they've been looking for us.

"You know there's enough room for everyone right?" I say as we turn the corner towards the dining hall.

"Yeah, but...just bunk with me okay?"

The lunch table is deafeningly quiet and awkward. Nobody noticed when we walked in. Mac and Sophia took the chairs close to their mother, my Aunt Gina who is seated next to her fourth husband. She looked at me and nodded, I tried to smile back. The only vacant seat was the one next to my grandfather, usually where my father sat, but now he's two chairs away. I look down the whole time to find my seat, afraid to find my relatives staring at me. I catch a glimpse of Eva who keeps on looking at the high mirrored ceiling as she chews.

My Aunt Gina doesn't look like my grandfather, or my father or, me. I guess she looks like my grandmother, a little. She's statuesque, with tight curls like ladies from the fifties, that classic elegance. Not bad for someone who has, like, seven kids now, the twins being the eldest. That's how you differentiate them, the twins look very Anderson-ish, brown hair, on the short side, they also carry our last name because, well, they never got to meet their father. Their sisters, from my aunt's second husband are blond, a bit shy and they seem to have longer legs cause Candace is three years younger than us and she's as tall as I am. The boys from her third husband are curly redheads, really loud and all over the place. How this fourth husband is handling it is a mystery and an achievement. She's usually passive when it comes to me. Always has been.

"Blaine," my grandfather says, "what will you be playing for us tomorrow evening?"

"I haven't played in a while sir." I reply apologetically.

"Anything will do son. I just want to hear something amazing."

I panic. His encouragement feels nice, but also smothering or I'm just not really used to it anymore. When I was younger I loved being the center of grandfather's attention. Now I'm just too worried to see dad's reaction.

_Does he really know what I am? Does he understand?_

I walk around the estate grounds that afternoon, not feeling like bonding with my cousins. I arrive at the lake house and the water is near frozen. I gather some pebbles and sit at the edge of the dock, throwing them one by one.

"You won't find your answers on those pebbles." I look up to see someone I thought to be forever gone, my Aunt Ally, my father's youngest sister. She looks like my grandmother, no doubt, a straight copy. She looks like a little fairy, with her pixie cut and layered scarves. Her eyes are a deep green like moss, they look mysterious and appealing. Her lips always seem to hide a smirk, like she's always up to something.

Last I heard she decided to move as far away from her siblings as possible. The age gap between her and the rest made it quite difficult. She was the rebel, the outcast. She always gave the best presents though, water guns, fire crackers, things my father would never get me.

"Aunt Ally!" I give her a hug as she sits next to me.

"Sneaking away?" She asks.

"Just...thinking." I manage to say, head dropping down again.

"You look good, Blaine. At least for someone who was assaulted and forced to hide out in Ohio, you look sane. A little thin but, sane"

"Wha?"

"Everybody's been playing it down? Sorry. But it's the truth right?"

"I don't know much about the forced hideout part of that, but yes."

"Seriously, I wish they just let you stay here, you shouldn't have been alone after the attack. If your dad let me have a say, I would vote you to stay here or move to Europe with me. I know Dad hated the fact you were shipped off like that. "

"You've been in Europe all this time? It was okay I guess, I have friends there in Ohio." I smile at the thought of the Warblers, most I haven't called over the holidays.

"It's good to have friends." she smiles. "I'm going to step inside and make my presence known, play T_he Christmas Song_ tomorrow, he loves that."

"How did you?..Okay, I will. Thanks. Nice to see you again."

* * *

><p>I tried not to think of my father, the fact that the last time I sang in the music hall was with him three years ago, before anything ever happened. I tried to focus on my grandfather, how weird it is that he has shown a great amount of kindness and understanding. Then again it may be pity. I decide to think of the better things, the happier things, the Christmas-y things.<p>

"I am thankful for..." I say to myself adjusting my tie. "for the Warblers, for Kurt, for Dalton. I am thankful for Mom and Eva. I am thankful for Aunt Ally and Grandfather, Mac and Sophia. I am thankful that I'm not in the Dalton dining halls tonight."

The Music hall was now filled with guests, Dad's cousins, their children, people I don't even recognize, probably neighbors. I find Eva running around with the other kids her age.

"Dapper as always." Sophia nudges my side.

"Hey Mac, oh damn, it's you... I noticed..you know..the boobs." I motion my chest and she laughs.

"Ha..ha..wise-ass."

"What's it like having a lot of sisters and brothers."

"Half sisters and brothers, Mac is my only brother. It's alright, all kinds of rowdy."

"Glad to be off to college soon?"

"You know it."

"Why does your mother hate me?"

"She doesn't." I look at her incredulously.

"Alright, maybe she does. She's just jealous that none of us are like you with the musical gift and grandfather's attention. We're okay with it, I wouldn't want to feel the pressure of having to follow the footsteps of the renowned composer and pianist, Arthur Anderson. "

"That doesn't make sense but thanks, I feel more nervous now." I laugh. "When I came out, I never got to thank you for reaching out to me."

Sophia seemed taken aback by what I said, I didn't mean to bring it up but it felt like I needed to tell her and this would be the only opportunity I had.

"We weren't much help where we? We've been trying to reach you at Dalton for ages. But your dad was very... protective of you."

"Protective?"

_**Clink clink clink**_

"Ladies and Gentlemen, family and friends, I would like to thank you all for joining me this evening. What joy is it to be amongst the people we love at a time like this?! I for one am completely overjoyed, my late wife would be as well, for all of our wonderful children and their families are here. My eldest and the only one to carry my name, Benjamin, here with his wife Olivia and their two children, Blaine and Eva. Gina my eldest daughter and her growing family, Mac and Sophia, Candace, Bill, Ryan, Tasha and Jack. And Aliana my youngest. This is the one thing I treasure most, that though our lives, hectic and drawn apart, we are able to come together to celebrate the love and peace that is Christmas! Merry Christmas all!"

Everyone raises their glasses, I hear the clinking of crystal as I take my place behind the keys of my grandfather's concert piano.

_Chestnuts roasting on an open fire_

_Jack Frost nipping at your nose_

_Yuletide carols being sung by a choir_

_And folks dressed up like Eskimos_

_Everybody knows_

_A turkey and some mistletoe_

_Help to make the season bright_

_Tiny tots with their eyes all a-glow_

_Will find it hard to sleep tonight_

Eva stands by my side and looks at me, I cue her into the song and the moment she opens her mouth everyone quiets down to listen to her in awe.

_They know that Santa's on his way_

_He's loaded lots of toys_

_And goodies on his sleigh_

_And every mother's child is gonna spy_

_To see if reindeer really know_

_How to fly_

_And so I'm offering this simple phrase_

_To kids from one to ninety two_

_Although it's been said_

_Many times many ways_

_Merry Christmas to you_

I see my father shift from the corner of my eye to lift Eva onto the piano, she laughs and I almost stop playing at the sound of my father's voice blending into my little sister's and mine. He's looking straight at me, smiling and I could almost smile back.

_And so I'm offering this simple phrase_

_To kids from one to ninety two_

_Although it's been said _

_Many times many ways_

_Merry Christmas to you_

_Merry Christmas_

_Merry Christmas_

_Merry Christmas_

_To you_

I don't notice the applause that followed, or the fact that everyone is starting to file out to the dining hall for the Christmas feast. I snap out of it when someone holds my shoulder.

"That was lovely Blaine." I stand abruptly to leave the hall, go outside, get away, again my lungs are failing me, my stomach was constricting. I leave my father standing there in confusion. I'm sure that grandfather saw.

I break into a run and manage to trip on my feet into one of the gardens in the west villa. I start hyperventilating, and tears start to fall on my cheeks. I could feel the damp grass on my face and I struggle to lift myself enough to sit. My suit is ruined.

_What is he doing?! Does he think he could just walk back into my life and we forget everything?! _

"B-Blaine?" a voice coming from behind me, Aunt Ally.

"He changed! Everything changed when I told him I was gay. I wasn't the son he wanted anymore. I ruined it. He threw me away. I'm sorry..I'm sorry. I try, sometimes I try to not be gay. So I can take it back and everything will be the same! I'm sorry. I try.. I try. I made a mistake, he was a mistake, I'm a stupid mistake. Eva needs him and he's always away because of me, she'll be broken. And..and..Mom is sad, I can see her eyes she's sad and she wouldn't be if I wasn't.. I'm sorry. "

"Shhhh shhhh.." She kneels and holds my head to her chest, my tears soiling her dress."You don't need to be anyone but yourself. And I don't know why Ben let you go like that, but the people we love can be stupid sometimes. People do stupid things. But you loving another boy, that is not wrong or stupid or a mistake. You are not a mistake and you didn't ruin anything by being true to yourself and the people you love."

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry, I'll try harder, I promise..I'll really try this time."

"No, shhh shhh..It's okay Blaine. When I came out, Daddy was not pleased, Mother was crying and your father and Gina didn't talk to me for days. I was an embarrassment, a disappointment and the worst thing to happen to this family."

My sobs quiet down as I try to speak, unable to comprehend what she said.

"Wha..You? What happened?"

"I did all they wanted, counseling, seminars, camps. Whenever I came home, they would ask, 'Still a dyke?' I would say 'yes' and they'd ground me."

"Is that why you left?"

"No, I left because Europe is amazing. But when they were exhausted trying to 'fix' me, Mom got sick. At some point they blamed me. I caused her pain after all. But one night she asked for me, and everyone was there. I'll never forget what she said, she was sorry, sorry that they allowed me to be treated like I was the worst creation. She was my mother and she forgot to protect me, to love me. She forgot that I needed her and that was her biggest failure. I told her I had forgiven her, and dad, Ben and Gina. I had no anger towards them, they just didn't understand. She told me not to forget her, to remember that she loves me despite her wrong judgments and she wished she had more time to make it up."

"That night changed everything, the way Dad treated me, the way your father thinks, and Gina just moved on. My mother had told them that her last wish was for the family to accept, to remember that I am an Anderson and being gay doesn't make me any less the person they knew. I never heard an insult from your father again, your grandfather always made sure I knew that he was sorry and we went to mother's grave every Sunday before they moved her here."

"Here?" I realized where I was then, the Villa right next to the main mansion was the one place we weren't allowed to play when we were younger, nobody lived there. A garden the surrounded it had the most colorful wildflowers and Sophia always wanted to play here but tall shrubs closed the area. In the middle of the garden stood a stone bust of my grandmother who I recognize from photos and paintings.

"Blaine, the only thing you can do right now, is be strong. I know for a fact your father does not hate you, definitely did not 'throw' you away, your grandfather would kill him. He loves you, so much, but he doesn't know how to reconcile what happened with me and how he should reconnect with you. I still think he blames me sometimes. I think he hates himself too sometimes."

"Why?"

"Imagine how powerless he might have felt when you told him? He knows you won't change Blaine, because I didn't, he knows that this is who you are and the only option is to accept it. But what was mapped out in his head on how to raise you, changed completely. He was ready to talk about girls, ready for you to ask for a car so you could take her out and ready for your questions on how to win someone over. He was caught off-guard. That night you got beat up, he called me, crying, asking what to do. I told him, be there for you, stay by your side and tell you everything is going to be okay. I offered to fly out but he refused. I knew he didn't want me to see him broken down, but I could tell. He called too when the other boy passed, he said he didn't know how to tell you, he actually said he didn't know how to take your pain away and that he wished he could. Sometimes being different also means seeing things the way only the different can."

"Do you know why he shipped me off to Dalton?"

"No. That choice was something we all argued about, because it was such an abrupt decision to send you away. But he was persistent and in the end you were sent there and none of us were allowed to talk to you. He stopped calling me after that, Olivia would update us about you but I don't think your dad knew. I would have kidnapped you honestly, just one flight to Ohio." She smiled.

"I don't know what to think anymore. You and mom say one thing, he shows another."

"Hang in there, you've been through a lot."

"You have too, I had no idea."

"And look how I turned out?! Seriously though Blaine, you're a strong kid, and it's difficult right now but it will get better."

I take a deep breath.

"We should go back." I say, my voice hoarse.

"We can, or we can stay here."

"Let's go back, I know you miss the food and I don't want grandfather to worry."

"Alright," we both stand, butts damp from the grass, "we should change clothes before, agreed?"

"Agreed."

Last night's dinner passed and ended without as much as a question from my grandfather or my father. They didn't ask why we went missing for the first 2 courses or why we changed clothes or why my eyes were puffy and red. After, I retreated to my bedroom and fell asleep.

* * *

><p>I wake up Christmas Day to the clinking of a tray being put down by my bedside. I decide to pretend to sleep, than have to talk to whoever is bringing me breakfast.<p>

"It's past lunch.", a deep voice says worriedly.

_Dad?_

My mother pulls the covers up to my neck, "Let him sleep."

"Ally was right. I should have.."

"There were many rights and wrongs in front of us when it happened. Can't we just have a good Christmas Ben?" she says caressing my hair.

I hear my dad walk away, my mother stays a while before standing up and leaving as well. I open my eyes, the drapes are still drawn, and I'm wearing the white polo shirt and argyle sweater vest from last night, someone removed my shoes though. I sit up, beside me a breakfast tray of orange juice, french toast, cereals and Christmas cookies looked really enticing. A smile forms on my mouth, I feel a spark of what I knew Christmas was like, so I get up and let the light in.

On my way down the staircase I hear cheers and laughter echoing from the East Wing, Grandfather's bedroom. I take the few flights back and walk slowly. The closer I get to the double doors of his suite, the louder I hear Eva's laugh. I peep in carefully, making sure no one notices. And I see my sister, in my grandfather's arms. He's just given her a present and she's showering him with kisses. I see my cousins gathered around as well, some with presents unwrapped, all cheerfully looking on. I knock and step in, everyone quiets down.

"I knew someone spiked your sparkling soda!" Mac shouts from the floor, he gets up and puts his arm around my shoulder, "Sleepyhead. Here!" he takes a small blue box from his pocket and hands it to me. "It's from Sophia and me, maybe Aunt Ally too, alright it's really from your mom and dad." I open the blue box to find a familiar keychain, my car keys attached to it. I look at my mom, my dad, all these eyes on me, then back to Mac who's holding me like he knows I need the support. My mother speaks up, "It's in the garage, but we'll arrange to bring it home with us or Westerville, wherever you want...I.."

"Thank you." I say. "Thanks...I...thank you." I give Mac a hug and everyone goes back to their chattering and cheering. The kids open their presents, I look on and smile as I see their faces light up, they start running with their new toys to play and we start to move out of the room, I hear my father suggesting he prepare some drinks for us. My stomach flips at the thought of his special hot cocoa.

"Blaine,"

"Yes, sir." I turn around to answer grandfather.

"Join me in here for a while." he whispers.

We walk into the room across his bedroom, his reading room. Shelves of books surround the room, some are on the floor and his desk is piled with loose papers and more books. The sun shines into the space beautifully, I think.

"I hope the Warblers make it this year." He says casually as he takes a seat on his high back executive chair.

"Excuse me sir?" I sit on armrest of the velvet leather couch in the middle of the room. Only then I notice how alike we're dressed, sweater vest over a polo shirt. He doesn't have a bowtie on but he's wearing the red, green and cream colored argyle vest, the same one he wears every Christmas day.

"The Warblers, they haven't won a National in years, I heard they did this year, and you're a part of that. I hope they continue to win."

"Oh..I hope so too sir, those boys work really hard." I look out the window, avoiding his gaze, unsure why we're here for small talk and a little bit terrified.

"Mhm. Son, you know among my grandchildren I treasure you right? Gina won't stop accusing me of it. And I know you sense that it's true." he says, staring at me intently.

"Uhm..I'm not sure how to respond to that sir," I shift in my seat.

"The last time you were here, you called me Gramps, not Grandfather, not Sir, Gramps. I always loved that."

"I..."

"Surely Westerville hasn't changed you that much?"

_No but bruises and stitches probably had something to do with it._

"When I found out that you were in Westerville, and your father refused we reach out to you, for reasons though justified, was still wrong. I was expecting a call from you."

_What?_

"I was hoping that my favorite grandson knew, that he had a place to go. That he knew that I loved him and one call from him would have brought him here." he sighs.

"I..I.."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't think you wanted me, that anyone would want someone like me."

"Someone like you? A bright, talented boy?"

"I'm GAY, sir. GAY! I LIKE...BOYS! I...I " I don't know why I did it, but now I'm standing up, hands in fists and I'm looking at my grandfather like I...like I want to punch something. I could hear my voice in my head, like my words are bouncing off the walls.

_I just shouted at my grandfather. Shit, I'm in for it now. Why isn't he talking?_

He shifts from his chair and stands across me, he's still a few inches taller. He fixes his calm eyes on mine, "I will say this, it took me a long time to get with the idea - to understand. We were raised at a different time, a different mindset. But when your daughter, your youngest, your princess, tells you she loves someone and it isn't who you expect, you think, what would your parents do? And we were so caught up in righting wrongs that we didn't see. It took your grandmother's death for us to find clarity. We want to do right by you Blaine, just let us. We _are _family, _your _family, let us in. You've been here three days now and I haven't seen the young man who loved to sing and make us all smile. But a boy who's so scared to be himself is standing in his place. Please stop hiding away, we've only got you for Christmas break and I only see you at meals. You have your head down, wary of your actions, afraid you might offend. That's not you, and it's not a good way to live."

He moves away from me to take a few papers from his desk. "These are applications and some brochures, to schools you can transfer to here. Look into them, I won't have you too far from us until you really want to be."

I reach out to take the stack of papers from his hands, but I wrap my arms around him instead. "I'm sorry for being distant. I'm sorry I never called. I didn't think it was an option." I move out of the hug but he holds me closer, "I love you Blaine, no matter what."

His words echo in my ear and I feel like I could actually have a better year to come.

I spend the next few days with my cousins and Eva, we would run around the main house and play. We converted one of the bedrooms into an indoor camp where everyone snuggles into sleeping bags and we tell stories to the younger ones at night. I read Eva more Narnia and sleep next to her.

* * *

><p>"Where can we go tonight? Let's go out." I ask Mac as we walk to the dining hall for dinner. "Out? As in out, out?"<p>

"Yeah, I want to drive somewhere, take the car for a spin."

Meals since Christmas have been more entertaining. I sit next to the twins now and we end up getting the little ones to play with their food so Aunt Gina would make them eat more greens. Aunt Ally has been really chatty with Mom. And Dad, the only person I haven't talked to, is always discussing something with grandfather, or is always on the phone. They're always whispering, but occasionally joining in to laugh at Aunt Gina's new husband's joke.

Dinner ends and we tuck the kids into their sleeping bags. I finish reading Eva a few pages before heading to grandfather's reading room to let them know we're going out.

I hear laughter and glasses clinking. I knock four times before fully opening the door. "Uhm..hi..hi everyone..Mom, I was thinking of taking the car out tonight, Mac and So will be with me and we won't be out long, promise." I say, and as my mom starts to open her mouth for a reply, Dad doesn't let her. "No. Go out tomorrow morning. When was the last time you..?"

"Almost two years ago, before you took my car away." I snap at him. His eyebrows start to crease, he looks at my mom, like he's looking for someone to back him up.

"I'll go with them," Aunt Ally stands "I can seat in the front seat, make sure he's in check." She holds me by the shoulders and ushers me out of the room.

"So where to?" she asks. "Uhh..no idea. It might be a good thing you're here." I say.

We walk to the garage, I asked the twins to wait for me, to give me 15 minutes to notify them we were leaving. They're already in my car the moment we arrive. Even if they didn't allow us to leave, the plan was to leave anyway.

Aunt Ally pops into the passenger seat and I stand for a while gazing at the still flawless racing green shine of my MGB GT V8. It was a gift from grandfather. I rush to the driver's side, open the door quickly to settle into the cream colored interior. I run my hand through the dashboard, the buttons and switches glistening in the night. I put the key in and take hold of the wheel.

"Any day now Blaine..." Mac jokes.

"Right."

"Remember, we want to live."

I start the car and rev up the engine, everyone buckles in and we rush out of the garage. I manage to get us out of the villa without a scratch.

"So where to?" I ask the twins.

"We thought you knew a place you wanted to go to." Sophie responds.

"There's a place we could go to. If you kids want. But we have to get some supplies first" Aunt Ally suggests. We drive to a nearby grocery, Aunt Ally asks us to stay in the car while she braves the cold night to buy a few things.

She walks back to the car holding three full grocery bags.

"I'm willing to bet there's booze in there." Sophia says

Aunt Ally hands the bags back to the twins and we all hear the sound of bottles pushing against each other.

"You know the way to the East Marina?"

"Which one?"

"East Islip."

"That's almost an hour away?!" Sophia protests.

"You wanted to drive right?" She asks me. I smile and set the gears on reverse and we drive out of the grocery parking lot. The night just got way more interesting than I expected.

On our way past Eastport, I find the twins snoozing in the backseat. Aunt Ally notices, "You sleepy? I can drive if you'd like."

"No, What's in Islip?"

"My personal hiding place. I used to run away there whenever the camps and the treatments were too much. My first day at this summer camp for...well..for people like us, I met a girl. She was..I could say she was beautiful but that wouldn't even cut it. She was effervescent. But the treatments took all that light away from her. We shared...a friendship."

"She became your girlfriend?"

"No, she was a soulmate, and that's better. After those 3 months of treatment, her parents found her lifeless in her bedroom, a bottle of sleeping pills in her hand."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too sometimes, but I figure she's in a much better place. Anyway, at the time I had no idea why she gave me what she did, but it turned out to be pretty useful when your grandfather didn't want to see me. That's where we're going."

We speed through streetlights with the Beatles' Revolver to keep us company.

"We're here sleepyheads!" I shout, making everyone in the car jump and curse at me. We arrive at the marina almost half past midnight. The parking lot is empty, the stores are closed and the sound of the ocean fills echoes through the silence. We walk to the edge of one of the docks, rows of boats bobbing up and down. Aunt Ally stops at the one labelled _Hannah. _She hops into the nose of the charter boat and takes a key out of her pocket, one twist and the door's open.

"C'mon children! Time to get you wasted!" she screams and goes inside. Mac and Sopia cheer on carrying the bags of god knows what.

Apparently Aunt Ally has been a curator by day and a bartender by night. She whips up different drinks for us, each one more interesting and tastier than the last. Sophia admits to feeling buzzed by the second round of shots.

"Nothing like getting your niece drunk." We laugh. Another two rounds and Sophia is on the sofa sleeping, Mac is being really obnoxious, loud and thinks everything is funny.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! My head is spinning! BARTENDER! YOU ARE AMAZING! FUCKYEAH"

He covers his mouth all of a sudden, Aunt Ally guides him to the bathroom and I take a bottle of vodka with me and head outside.

The cold should probably be bothering me, but I can feel the heat in my throat and stomach as I take a swig. I grab my phone to dial Kurt's number. He doesn't answer. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can hear the water, well the boats sort of floating in the water, a light breeze dancing through closed sails, and later footsteps on the wooden planks.

"So they're spent. I think I did a great job."

I laugh. "Won't you get in trouble for this?"

"Nah, I won't let you drive us home kid. We have all the time to drive back later when the sun is up and everyone's sober. Here, I have no idea why I have that but I figure you have a song in you tonight waiting to be heard."

She hands me a guitar and starts humming.

_When I wake up early in the morning_

_Lift my head, I'm still yawning_

_When I'm in the middle of a dream_

_Stay in bed, float up stream (Float up stream)_

_Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me_

_Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping_

_Everybody seems to think I'm lazy_

_I don't mind, I think they're crazy_

_Running everywhere at such a speed_

_Till they find there's no need (There's no need)_

_Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away_

_And after all I'm only sleeping_

_Keeping an eye on the world going by my window_

_Taking my time_

_Lying there and staring at the ceiling_

_Waiting for a sleepy feeling..._

_Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away_

_And after all I'm only sleeping_

_Ooh yeah_

_Keeping an eye on the world going by my window_

_Taking my time_

_When I wake up early in the morning_

_Lift my head, I'm still yawning_

_When I'm in the middle of a dream_

_Stay in bed, float up stream (Float up stream)_

_Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me_

_Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping_

* * *

><p>Aunt Ally drives us back home, it's late in the afternoon, two nights before New Year's Eve. My head still hurts, I feel like a shower would be the answer to my hangover. We all look like we could use more sleep. I have no idea what to tell my parents.<p>

We walk into the threshold, groggy and tired. All of a sudden I feel a stinging pain on my left arm, "Aliana, what the hell?! Where did you run off too? Why is no one answering their phones!? You! Get dressed, NOW!" My father pushes me to the stairs, I trip over the first few steps and he just lifts me like a sack and pushes me again.

"Let go of me!" I shout prying his hands off me.

My mother rushes down the stairs, takes my hand and says, "Come on Blaine, we have to hurry."

"What?! Why?"

"Just trust me sweetie."

She leads me to my room, all my things have been packed except for a fresh change of clothes. "Where are we going?"

"Home." Eva peeps through the door.

"Eva I told you to stay with Auntie Gina!" my mother shouts in frustration.

"I'll get dressed. But tell me what's happening after."

She nods and lifts Eva to leave me to change.

I grab my Justin's journal, my backpack and run downstairs where I hear my father and grandfather arguing.

"You don't have to leave right now Ben! This isn't the way to do it, he doesn't have a clue. You can't just spring this on him!"

"And if it's too late, we can't let this slide!"

"And the other boy?! What about him?! Will he testify as well?!"

"What's happening dad?" I say to my father calmly, looking straight into his eyes.

"Let's go." He walks out the door and into the car, without saying a word to anyone in the room.

"I'll see you soon Blaine, call me when you decide where you want to transfer." Grandfather puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the door. The twins emerge, Sophia gives me a bearhug and whispers, "We'll fly to Lima for Regionals, that's a promise."

My younger cousins are nowhere to be found, hidden from view. "Thank you." I say to my aunt and her new husband, they're standing at the end of the staircase. I look around, for Auntie Ally. "She left." My mother says carrying Eva out the door.

"Bye Gramps." Eva says sadly. Grandfather throws her a kiss and I turn around to walk to the car as well.

"Thank you Gramps. I love you."

My grandfather cups my face, just like my mother and says, "You don't have to do this if you're not ready. Just...just take care of yourself son, and don't be a stranger, let people in."

I turn around and get into the car, I turn my head back to see the worried faces of dad's family grow smaller and smaller.

"I demand to know why we're leaving early? Where are we going?!" I shout. Eva covers her ears, I look at her to ask for forgiveness, but she buries her head into my mom's shoulder. Our driver is speeding to the nearest airport.

"Home. They've found them, well, two of them. A witness is needed to identify and they can't hold them for long without evidence. We can't let them get away with it son. After what they did to you, for Seth's life, we just can't. I need you to be the strong man I know you are."

"Them." I whisper looking into the eyes of my dad as he looks at my through the overhead rear view mirror. His mobile phone rings and he's forced to look away.

Just like that I could feel the dirt on my tongue and the stinging pain in my stomach again. Bones long healed and bruises that have long subsided feel fresh. The night that changed my life was all of a sudden alive and my world was spinning again. I close my eyes and I feel Eva's tiny hand wipe a tear off my cheek.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

**_A/N: Let me first apologize that this update took ages. I had a difficult time writing it, and the christmas break arc isn't over yet. As always I am grateful, for your comments, support and the fact that you finished reading this chapter. I've been working on this for a year now and I can only be thankful for everything. :D _**


	15. Happy New Year

_Coffee_. They asked me what I wanted and I said coffee. I regret it now, I fidget, shifting my left knee over the other then back again. I was told to stay in this room, to wait 'til my father comes back for me. He told me to sit tight and not to worry.

It's one of those rooms you see in movies where they try to get the suspect to fess up. The single drop light does seem intimidating now that I've been here for a good fifteen minutes. I take my phone out, it's two hours into the last day of the year, I skim through my phonebook, Jeremiah, Kurt, Wes. Jeremiah, would he mind a phone call at this hour?

"Blaine." I snap up to find my father, and a woman at the doorway, they step into the holding room.

"Son, this is Doctor Trish, she needs to ask you a few questions." She looks nothing like a doctor; in fact she looks like they pulled her out of bed to be here.

"Hi Blaine."

"Hi."

"Do you know why we're here?"

"Uh…I'm here to identify two men involved in the killing of Seth Fletcher and the assault of Justin Mason and myself. You're here to make sure I'm okay with it."

"Yes."

"I am." I look up at my father and for the first time in a long time, I see genuine worry in his eyes.

"Can we talk first?" I say to him.

"One more thing, Blaine, you know you don't have to do this if you're not ready. This can wait." She continues.

"I've been ready for a year. I want them where they won't hurt anybody anymore."

"Okay."

She writes on the clipboard she's been hiding behind her all this time and leaves.

My father takes the seat across me.

"Tell me everything."

"Okay. Days after Seth passed, Justin received death threats. It didn't take long before your phone started buzzing with threats too. What happened to you three was not just a school thing or a bullying issue. We decided, Justin's Mom and Me and your mom, to keep you boys safe, to send you as far from New York City as possible. Justin was cleared to go first. The boys involved in your attack, there were five, right? One of them was Sid's brother. They found him dead in his apartment; investigators suggest the gang those seniors were involved in found his actions brash and decided to kill him before the police got to him to name names. The four boys have been on the loose for most of the year, we got really close sometimes, but somehow they'd know and get away. They've been moving from state to state, I get scared, it's like they're looking for you boys, trying to get to you so no one can identify them and put them behind bars or maybe the gang is looking for them too. There have been other attacks, other incidents that they've found to have some connection to yours."

"It wasn't 'til a few weeks ago, when you came home, we got news that they were in the city again, all four of them. Why they decided to return terrified me the most. How could they have known you've come home, why risk getting caught? But when I got the call that two suspects were found, and someone was willing to identify, I had to see for myself. I had to miss out to see you perform because finally after a year, we were at a step closer to having you stay home…for good."

"Is that why nobody was allowed to contact me, not even Gramps, the twins or Aunt Allie?'

"Yes."

"They're here, now, the other two?"

"Yes. They were caught trying to jack a car from one of the neighborhoods. They've been on every watch list since the incident."

Dad held me by the shoulders and led me to another room. As the lights came on, I found myself standing behind a one way mirror but no one's on the other side. Two men step into the room; I recognize them from trips to my father's office.

"When you're ready, they'll stand in line. You don't need to say anything if you don't want to, you can just point if that's easier for you." Dad says.

"What will happen after.. if it is them?"

"We're looking at 20 years for your assault, 20 more for Justin and life imprisonment for Seth. Not counting other offenses." The man next to dad says, he's wearing a trench coat over a sweatpants and a jumper.

"Okay."

My father stands next to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. "Ready?"

"Yes."

The fluorescent lights behind the mirror illuminate a white wall with black painted lines to measure one's height. A door on one end of the room opens and five men walk in, they are asked to stand in line, facing us, facing me.

The first one, I do not recognize, a bald man covered in tattoos, he's wearing a coat that looks new, Kurt would know what brand it is and what cut, but all I see is this man could not have bought that coat and still wear rubber shoes that look as if they'd fall apart any moment.

The second man is badly bruised; his face is starting to swell. He seems drunk, unable to support himself any longer.

_The third. The third. That's him. Say something. Say it now. Now. NOW!_

"Him! The one in the leather jacket, he held my arms." I could feel beads of sweat trickle down my neck.

I walk closer to the glass. I skip the man next to him because the face of the last one in line hasn't left my nightmares since that night.

"…he kept yelling, FAG, FAG, FAG! He threw punch after punch, kick after kick; my stomach, my ribs, when he got tired, my face. He has two rings on his right hand, it hurt most when he hit me with his right hand. He has a tattoo on his inner left arm that says 'Sarah'."

I open my eyes; I'm leaning on the glass, how long have I been talking? The lights are off behind the mirror and my father spins me and holds my head into his shoulder.

"That's all we need Ben." I feel a shoulder on my back, "Thank you son." Another man says.

"It's over, Blaine. You did it. We did it. No more hiding." My father speaks, we must be alone.

I stay silent on the drive home. I feel tired, my eyes sting from crying, but I can't sleep. The sun has fully risen. I look out the window and I see all these people starting their normal day, living their normal lives, going through normal motions. I well up at the thought of finding some normalcy. I am now one of these people, and I can't be happier. But something's still amiss.

As we cross the bridge my father starts to talk. He says I move back after the semester, we can build cars again, we can move the piano to the drawing room. I can pick Eva up from school and we can go through college applications together. He continues to make plans excitedly and I try to listen.

He parks the car, I step out expecting we've reached home, but I look up to see we're far from it.

"I thought you'd want to grab a bite before home." He says.

The last time I walked around Central Park, I was with Seth and Justin, two maybe three days away from the dance. I never thought to go back and I definitely did not expect my father to want to spend time here.

He leaves me to sit on one of the benches facing the lake. Nobody is skating at this early hour and the ice is sparkling.

"_Do we still get corsages even though the girls asked? How does this work exactly?" Seth asks. We look at him incredulously. "Why am I asking you two? Clearly Justin will get one. And I don't even know who asked who between you two."_

"_I asked." I say, "We're both buying corsages." _

"_I think you should even though she asked, she'd appreciate the gesture." Justin suggests, taking hold of my hand._

"_Fine, but you have to help me, I suck at flower buying." He sighs, "You guys want a pretzel? I'll get us some pretzels."_

_Seth walks over to one of the stands, while Justin guides me to take a seat on the grass. "We can still ditch if you want." Justin suggests. _

"_And miss having to see you dressed up, no thanks. Stop fighting me over this, I told you I want to show them we can. I want to show them I'm not scared." _

"_Alright."_

"_Hello in there. What are you thinking? Do you want to back out, we can, let's just let the driver drop us off somewhere." Justin whispers, taking my hand. _

"_I'm good. Just thinking, normally our parents should be forcing us to take a photo together, and we'd be so embarrassed and we'd hate them for it." I sigh._

"_Your mom was cool though, and hey," he says as he lifts my chin, "we're together. They could have easily broken us apart the moment they knew, but here we are."_

_Here we are._

"I got you a bagel, and some hot cocoa," he takes a seat.

"I'm sorry."

"What? What for?"

"All this time, I've hated you; two years of that weight on my chest because things changed. I… I'm sorry. If I took the time to understand things, to look at things differently, I should have known you sent me to Dalton for safety and not as punishment." I say looking down at my bagel.

"You don't need to be sorry. I'm at fault here, son. But I couldn't, I didn't know how to put it all together, with you I refused to reason even though I knew the right thing to do was to tell you everything was okay. Forgive me, for walking away on you when you needed my acceptance. I want you to know I can't take all that wasted time back, but I'm here to make it up to you if you'd let me. You're my son, my only son. And I love you."

I look into his earnest eyes. I've never seen my dad almost in tears; he's trying hard to fight it back.

"Do you think the Buckeyes have a chance next season?"

"If they focus, we have a fighting chance."

We spend a few hours of the cold morning, letting the heat from our hot cocoa warm us up. He shares stories about work and I tell him about my classes and what it's like in Ohio. I talk about Wes and what it was like when I arrived. Every so often he would look sad again, whenever I told him how much I missed home.

"…he was sent to spy on us. And he was very obvious about it. He found Dalton fascinating, a safer place for him since he was bullied too. I guess we gravitated toward each other because of that. Kurt's one of the people that makes Dalton a great place to be in." Talking about the boys and Kurt made me realize how much I miss them, "Can I finish high school in Ohio? I don't want to get held back another year."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" he asks seriously.

"Yeah, those boys are amazing, they're family too. And the Warblers have a chance this year…"

"Then we'll have to find a home near the school, transfer Eva next year and I can always work from there and fly out here whenever they need me, do you think Mom will miss the noise?" He smiles.

Warmth fills my head and my chest all the way down to my toes, the kind of warmth you can't intake. The kind that I felt when I saw him play the piano for the first time, the moment Eva said my name, that time Kurt let me cry onto his shirt and when Justin kissed me.

Dad puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me in for a one arm hug.

"Thanks Dad."

* * *

><p>"A call? From you? I get a call from Blaine Anderson on this day?!"<p>

"Happy Birthday Wesley!" I shout to my phone on the bed.

"Am I on speakerphone? What are you doing? I want birthday greetings to be focused one me sir!"

"…just going through stuff to bring back after the break."

"You're staying?"

"Yeah, I have great news that deserves to be shared within the Dalton grounds dear friend."

"You sound good, been having a good vacation?"

"Better than I ever imagined. Alright, you have a good one; I need to make other calls before the year ends."

"See you in a few days! Happy New Year! "

"Happy New Year!"

My bedroom door swings open, Eva peeks in, "Blaine, can I stay with you?" she asks.

"Of course baby girl, what's up?" I lift her to the bed; she looks like she has something important to say, fidgeting the way I do.

"You're leaving again? You can't stay?"

"Only for a little while, then you, mom and dad will come and see me soon. By the end of school you'll be in Ohio too and we'll be together every day."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

She jumps to give me a hug and runs out of my room.

* * *

><p>I've filled a small box with some books, a few photos from my desk and some trinkets I wasn't able to pack up the first time I left for Dalton. I empty the contents of my bag onto the bed and Justin's journal falls to the floor, some pages come loose again.<p>

I grab the journal, my coat and head downstairs. My parents are in the kitchen laughing, such a sight to see them both smiling.

"Yes dear, have you slept? Are you hungry? Where are you going?" my mother struggles to come out of my dad's embrace.

"Can I visit Seth?" I ask. Suddenly they both turn serious.

"Do you want me to drive you there? Or?" my father asks.

"C-can I drive?"

Dad tosses his car keys to my direction, "Be careful, the streets are salted but don't go speeding. Come back before midnight, we'll watch the countdown together."

I walk out of out front door, it's a windy afternoon, I wrap my scarf around my neck and before I walk a few feet to Seth's front door.

_Dad, I'll just walk to the cemetery. –Blaine_

The cemetery is covered in thin white, glistening as the afternoon sun illuminates the gravestones. I've only been here once, and I was in a wheelchair.

I reach his resting place to find a wilting pot of wildflowers and dried up candle wax, his parents must have visited. I wipe the ice from the nameplate, I didn't get a good look at the inscription before, I well up again as I read: Seth Fletcher, beloved son, friend and superhero.

_Hey man, sorry it took me a while to get back. I never thanked you for trying. _

_I should have been there for your mom and Mark, I know they really miss you._

_I'm sorry… I..I miss you._

"He always knew you'd come back for him." She says.

"You think so?" I ask, tears falling onto my cheeks.

"Yeah, I know so." I turn around to give Tricia a long tight hug. She's holding a basket of wildflowers. I let go to get a better look at her. She seems thinner than last, her red hair is now a clean bob and she's still wearing that necklace he gave her.

"I knew you'd visit. How was King's Island?" she asks wiping my tears.

"It was…wait...the note, that was you?"

"Yeah, I tutor Mark some days. We stay in Seth's room and I saw you and your mom that night." She kneels and sets the basket down, I do too, she hands me a box of matches to light a new candle.

"You visit him often? How are you?" I ask. She wipes the snow off the base of his gravestone and takes a seat.

"As often as I can…" She stops abruptly, looking at my direction like I was see through, she stands up and runs almost tripping on me. I turn around once more to see a lean man wrapping her in his arms, burying his head into her shoulder awkwardly. The long, wavy blonde hair that falls onto Tricia's shoulder, my stomach knots and my breathing increases. I've lived a life knowing the chances of seeing him again were slim. I haven't had the time to even think of looking for him, fearing he's moved on and our encounter would just ruin the both of us.

_Justin_

Tricia takes his hand. I can't keep my eyes off him, everything moves in slow motion and all of a sudden, he's in front of me taking my face and kissing my forehead. I close my eyes. I feel the warmth of his hands through the fabric of his gloves. He pulls me in and I hear him sniffling. The cold tears start to fall again, he holds my head under his neck and says through his tears, "I thought I'd never see you again."

I let out loud sobs, I can hear Tricia crying too. My knees give out and we're on the wet, dead, icy grass. He continues to cradle me, not saying a word.

"Mom wanted to move back, Arizona wasn't really working out. One morning she got a call asking if I was willing to identify someone, we flew out a few hours after that." Justin says after we've exhausted all the tears and the cold was becoming unbearable. The three of us stand up, Justin takes my hand and Tricia's, "It's never going to be the same without you. It's never going to be the same for any of us, and although time has passed, I want you to know Seth that I will never forget you and what you did for us. You were more than a friend, sometimes you were a brother, a confidant and for me, my father when I needed someone to tell me what to do."

I try to look down, to close my eyes and just listen to him speak from his heart. Instead my eyes are wide open, focusing on his profile, still scared this isn't real.

"I hope you're in a peaceful place. I hope that you can see us now and find that we're here together again for no other reason but for you and I hope you're happy. I miss your smile and your laugh and your fearlessness. I wish somehow I know how to make your dreams come true because the only reason we're still here trying to live ours is because you gave up yours. I'll be around, for Tricia, for Mark and your mom. That's a promise."

He looks at me and smiles, a small one.

"I love you. I still do. I always will love you most, you were my first everything. Even though there's someone else, it will always be you. Graduation is coming up and I forgot to tell you, we're doing something special for you and your mom is going to be there. Everyone in that school changed because of what you did. Brown will be a whole new adventure, and I can only wish you'd be there with me."

She wipes her eyes with her other hand. Justin grips my hand before I speak, "I have nothing else to say but thank you. You were the first to accept me for who I am and the first to fight my battles for me. I can only promise to do the same for someone else, because that's what you taught me. I will always owe my life to you and it took you to get the three of us together to begin with, you will always be the glue that binds us no matter where we go starting today. I identified the men who did this to you, at the back of my head was a voice, you voice, telling me to not be afraid."

_Every time I'll be on a stage singing I'll still see that small boy cheering me on in the crowd, you will always be there and I'll take you wherever I go._

"Thank you Seth."

I give Tricia a tight hug, wish her luck on her college adventures and promise to keep in touch. Justin does the same and takes my hand, "Can I take you home?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>His lips, they don't compare to the memories in my head, mine feel swollen as he bites down and breathes on my neck. He moves his hand down my back, to my sides and I try to tune out my thoughts. I hitch a breath as I feel the roughness of his jeans on my leg as he grinds. He takes off his coat, and cups my face, "There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about you," he whispers gently.<p>

* * *

><p>"5…4…3…2…1… Happy New Year!" Eva jumps up and down. My father takes the sparkling champagne from my mother's hand and leans in for a long, loving kiss.<p>

"Blaine!" Eva hops onto the sofa and into my arms. "Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year, baby girl!" I kiss her hair and she leans on my chest. "You're sleepy…"

"No, I'm not!" She protests, blowing a party horn.

"Yes you are my angel, time to get to bed, come here." My mother takes Eva from me, and Eva doesn't complain.

"Happy New Year son!" my dad says, sitting on the couch next to me.

"No office party this year? No rooftop view of the city fireworks? " I ask.

"And miss this?" He motions to me "not a chance. I figured you'd want some peace and quiet to start your year right. What say you we move the piano back down here tomorrow and we sing a few before you have to get back?"

"I'd love that. Eva would love that."

**_Bzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz_**

I excuse myself as I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.

"Kurt?"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

"HEeyyyyy! Happy New Year Kurt! Where are you? What's that noise?"

"It's Nick! He's shouting around the house."

"The guys are at your house?"

"Yeah they sort of invaded the place actually, Burt's a bit concerned about Trent's wild dancing ."

"Awww, wish I could be there with you guys."

"Break's almost over…"

"Yeah..Hey, I have news, good news, no, great news, but I promised Wes I'd talk about it when we get back."

"Ohhhh, Curious, definitely…Oh MY GOD JEFF NOT INSIDE! OUT! OUT! PUT IT OUT! I have to go before they blow my house to smithereens. Happy New Year! See you soon!"

"Bye! See you."

I walk back into the living room to find my parents asleep in each other's arms, I turn the tv off and place a blanket over them to keep them warm.

A new start, that's how it feels tonight as I lie in the room I grew up in.

tbc

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hello hello!<em>**

**_All I can really say is I'm back and I didn't abandon this story. :D Forgive me, for taking too long to update, but...BACK NOW and forever grateful to you for reading and staying with me on this._**

**_-k_**


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